a subtle goodbye

i can’t persist this

the usual mid afternoon bicker that keeps me dreary eyed through the night

is becoming a drag

the sun once shined so brightly for us, my darling

even now it may let a ray or two loose in between

but most of the time we are stuck at midnight,

grappling what used to be skylark,

sitting in the near shade,

losing our simplicity

through tangled bedlam ,and ill hearts.

there must have been a fault of sorts

for you and i to become a we

what was once transient

now a fragment of what makes me

look at us

we have strained each other

me, dull and arid

you, artificially witty and derisive

us, not facing the havoc we have become

and even as were crumbling we crave the chaos

          so if i can have my dignity, then you can keep your pride

after falling appart one too many times

   i would like back your piece of me

                  i’ll miss you

    though, i reckon it’s time i leave

Reviews

[Cate Mcgowan]

UPDATE: this poem was recently published in an online magazine called miracle e-zine, for anyone who is interested.

[Acer]

Nice work, well written, liked it.

few lines that i much liked are

the sun once shined so brightly for us, my darling
even now it may let a ray or two loose in between
but most of the time we are stuck at midnight,
grappling what used to be skylark,
sitting in the near shade,
losing our simplicity
through tangled bedlam ,and ill hearts. ......

nicely written indeed.

[Cate Mcgowan]

thank you so much

[Acer]

My pleasure :*), loved your words.

[Stammers]

And another thing - get yo' pretty 'under construction' butt to your about me, and edit out the bit about grammar and punctuation. You WILL get it. Because to make your road easier in writing, you HAVE to. Not optional. Because I said so. Even if I have to teach you the things you are uncertain of myself.

Now off you go! And capitalize those 'i's, too.

:P

[Cate Mcgowan]

thank you sooooo much, I appriciate the constructive critisism more than you know.

[Stammers]

I didn't understand 'I would like back your piece of me'? Could very much, possibly, most likely be me missing something, though. I understood it as you have fallen apart as 'he' has taken a piece of you away - perhaps it could be reworked a little? Even if the enjambment is reconsidered, so it makes more immediate sense.

I think the flow; which I find naturally or 'effortlessly' lyrical, shows you have a gift for writing; knowing how to be fluid with emotion and build the scenes to make a 'meaning', whilst also having an ear for what just sounds 'right'.

Your bio said you were into slam poetry - it certainly shows in your form. You don't over indulge and this seems to come from a narrative idea. So whilst it's still poetry, and abstract, it's not too greedy with unnecessary lines, and it delivers in its closing.

All promising for the future (and not many of us have a future in writing, let alone a promising one!) Keep going.

[zainul]

Very subtle goodbye
Enjoyed reading
Cheers!

[Cate Mcgowan]

thank you

[zainul]

You are welcome

[JME]

Wow, this is amazing, it's amazing how much I can relate to this...I actually appreciate the faulty punctuation and spelling, etc., because it's not about the format or being correct, it's just there to send a message.

[Cate Mcgowan]

i agree and appriciate your input dearly, thank you!

[Jordan's Back]

This is a very deep well written Write. Your Format is interesting and your flow is excellent. Your rhythm is awesome and The driving force you maintain makes it a fast pace read

we have strained each other

me, dull and arid

you, artificially witty and derisive

us, not facing the havoc we have become

and even as were crumbling we crave the chaos


Hardcore writing at its best.

[Cate Mcgowan]

i am so happy you liked it, my format is a bit obscure but i am glad you enjoyed this poem. thank you ~ Cate

[Jordan's Back]

I think its more elusive then obscure. It drives the reader to concentrate more on whats being said

[Cate Mcgowan]

i actually learned to do that from a slam poet, they say it makes it sound more like a conversation. thank you again

[Jordan's Back]

Well it was something cool to learn, i just write chaotic lol

[Cate Mcgowan]

lol

[Sami Khalil]

after falling appart one too many times
i would like back your piece of me
A nice write...

[Cate Mcgowan]

Thank You! ~ Cate

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome... :)

[Akira]

I like it :) Very nicely written.

[Cate Mcgowan]

thank you! ~ cate

[Cate Mcgowan]

Thanks so much! ~ Cate