Dreamer Chapter 5

A pair of resigned brown eyes watched my every move. My eyes. I was studying myself in the mirror yet again; I looked over every inch of my all too familiar self, trying to find something I didn't like about myself that I could improve the looks of, or at least, something I hadn't noticed about myself before. Nothing of course, stood out particularly or was unusual, because I had been looking at my mirror like this for nearly a week now.

 

There wasn’t much else I could do when I was grounded, and because the grounding blanketed the public library, I couldn’t even read to kill time. All I had was what was in my room, which was pretty much my mirror, and a few well-thumbed paperbacks on the dresser, which I’d already read dozens of times. If my school library had any decent literature in it, I'd be checking out books like mad, but... They only catered to the typical teenage girl- rows and rows of shelves, filled to the brink with cheap dime-a-dozen novels and chick lit. Not that I had any objection to teenagers reading, but most modern literature just wasn't my thing. Oh, what I would do for some Ray Bradbury, or Jane Austen, or even J.D. Salinger; the mood was certainly ripe for “Catcher in the Rye.”

 

I’d tried to find some variation in this game by looking at the walls and the ceiling, but they had bored me after a few long hours; I could only look at bland, unmoving patterns for so long before I fell asleep, bored. And maybe, that wouldn’t be too bad, but I hadn't been able to naturally sleep for too long- I’d tried using force sleep every single night so far. Besides being physically draining on my body, force sleep exhausted my mind-even my dreams started to become lifeless and dull. Sneaking out wasn't really an option- even if I got out of the house, I wouldn’t have anywhere to go or anything to do. Caroline was not at fault for this cycle of angst at all, although she helped to make it worse. It made no significant difference whether or not I had been grounded; the only thing that was different was the presence or lack of entertainment.

 

So I was stuck in this prison cell I had called my sanctuary, allowed outside only to visit the bathroom, eat, and go to school. And that situation at school hadn’t improved much, although thankfully, it hadn’t gotten much worse. Abbie didn’t seem any more furious with me than she’d been before, so I was guessing that Lucy had somehow kept the truth from her, although I couldn’t see how that was possible… Lucy kept me company every single lunch period, keeping me from going completely insane. She was always a pleasant presence, even when she asked awkward and revealing questions and made embarrassingly accurate assumptions. She may not be a mind-reader like her sister, but her woman’s intuition was especially sharp- I had to wonder if she didn't have some sort of superhuman ability as well. Atway seemed to be a breeding ground for freaks as it was anyways.

 

Mentally reminding myself to thank her for what she had done, I thought about Julia, Rich, and Winnie. Having the same classes with my old friends was now unbearable; now that the façade I had kept so long had been broken, talking to the outside world became a chore- it wasn't something I even wanted to do. Every single time I talked to any of them, a huge guilt feeling loomed over me, because in everything I said, I was lying. That was were Abbie and I differentiated- she had told Lucy, and she'd probably told Ellie about her... Abilities. But I couldn't tell my very best friends. Not even Julia. Did this mean that Abbie was more of a loyal friend than I was? All circumstances considered, that was almost too ironic to think about. The only reason I even bothered to try to keep up communication with my old friends was to avoid being sent to the guidance councilor for anti-social behavior. Rich had reacted the worst- he couldn’t make heads or tails out of my recent behavior, so he just assumed that it was pure unfriendliness on my part, and took personal offense. Winnie had… Well, she’d been slightly concerned, but she trusted me enough to let me go off doing my own thing, without passing comment. Julia’s behavior was just as strange to me as mine probably seemed to her. Taking a leaf from Abbie’s book, she’d just started ignoring me after I started ignoring the three of them.

 

Besides Lucy, I was friendless, miserable, and utterly alone.

 

Still, even if I had nowhere to go, it’d be nice just to get out of the room. Since I had nothing else to think about or do, I mulled that one over. Sort of interesting, in an I’m-only-thinking-about-this-because-I’m-about-to-die-from-boredom way. Whenever I was free to do as I pleased, I thought of this place as a sanctuary, a getaway from the world and its issues. And now that I wasn’t allowed to get out of it, it suddenly felt like a prison cell. Was that just something that happened to me, or were all humans this fickle? Was it mankind's nature to want only the things we couldn't obtain? Or maybe, it was some neurological complex that only I had, along with my problem with passing time… Tired of pondering the topic already, my thoughts idly wandered back to Lucy.

 

I hadn’t actually expected that she would come back to join me for lunch after that first day; I’d just figured that she’d invite me to come back to the shack, so she could get me to explain everything to her in one sitting. But the first thing I saw opening the door on Monday was Lucy. She was already in there, eating from a paper sack, gingerly making sure that her food didn’t come in contact with the countertops. Her pained expression exploded into a flurry of joy, and she even let her bag of baked potato chips drop to the surface of the table as she jumped up to hug me.

 

Startled, I’d fallen over under the force of her hug, and she’d laughed, a sound that was starting to grow on me and make me feel at ease. I guessed she wasn’t kidding about being just as sick of everybody as I was. Trying to keep a secret from your mind-reading sister and having to put up with her obnoxious friend had to do that to a person. And somehow, we'd already wrought the iron threads of friendship, so that she felt like a life-long acquaintance, like Julia. Strange that somebody who used to get on my every last nerve was suddenly my new best friend. So that had bonded us together for a few days, and kept me from losing my mind over the last week.

 

The conversation on the second day was just as interesting as it had been in the shack because she always had some questions about my own powers, and I still had some about her and Abbie. Since she’d been so completely honest with me about Abbie, I figured answering as best I could would the very least I could do. Besides, I knew I could trust her with my secrets. If no men in white coats had dragged me off to the institution yet, I doubted they ever would as long as the status quo didn’t change. And I was determined to make sure that the status quo would not change.

 

After discarding the chips, she started munching on some carrots thoughtfully, and a few tranquil minutes passed in silence. And then, out of the blue, she asked, “Dyer, do you mind if I ask you something about your dark powers?” She put emphasis on dark powers, gently making fun of my negative conception of it.

 

Smiling at her terminology, I shook my head no.

 

Lucy smiled again. “I know you don’t like it when people try to make it look good. Personally, I don’t think they’re dark or evil or anything like that at all, but… Whatever makes you happy.”

 

Before I had time to retort to that, she began speaking again, and recognizing failure, I closed my mouth. As though she knew what I was thinking, she grinned triumphantly as she talked. So incredibly like her sister. “Well, Dreamer, where’d you get the gift? How does this whole dreaming power thing work? What can you do, exactly? And what’re the limitations?”

 

Creasing my brow, I realized that I didn’t know the answers too well myself, and that sort of bothered me. “Well, I’m not sure exactly where it came from… It’s next to impossible to know. For all I know, I could’ve lived in a radioactive zone for a few years. I might’ve been hit in the head with a magic meteor or something stupid like that. Caroline could’ve dropped me on my head wrong when I was little. You know just as well as I do that I didn’t know I had inhuman powers until the night of Christopher’s death. But I’ve always been able to lucid dream. Maybe it was just something I was born with. Maybe I never had a chance. The point is, in short, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, just like Abbie doesn't know what's wrong with her.”

 

Pausing to catch my breath, I noticed that Lucy didn’t seem to be too concerned about the lack of concrete answers I could give her. Good. The answers weren’t about to get any less vague. “Well… First, I guess I decide that I want to switch into ‘dreamer mode’, if you will. It just… Feels different from regular sleep. It’s hard to explain in words. It just has to be experienced, you know? Then, there are these black stains that sort of taint my sleep until everything’s just… Dark. And then, it feels like I’m tapping into a well of collective memories. That’s the best way to describe the feeling. And then I… It sounds pretty corny, but I just wish for the emotions to change, and they do.

 

“As for what exactly I can do… It seems like I can’t change thoughts, at least, not yet. So far, I’ve only changed Abbie’s emotions, but the two are basically one and the same. But I don’t think I have complete control over what people feel. The only thing I can do is taint their emotions, and I think they have the choice to act upon it. But again, I can’t be sure. What happened to Christopher and Abbie makes me think that I have a stronger power than I’d thought. I think it’s kind of like exercising your muscles. The power gets stronger with practice and repeated use. And… I haven’t dared to try anything else.”

 

Lucy’s calculating look slipped into chagrin. “I guess it was a horrible experience for you. It was your first time too…”

 

Nodding broodingly, I sipped at my Coke, prepared to answer more questions, but met only comforting silence until the bell rang. We embraced each other briefly, then went our separate ways.

 

***

 

“Dyer, do you like Abbie?” Lucy’s voice was teasing, but held an edge of real curiosity.

 

My words came out sounding more defensive than I’d intended them. “In which way?”

 

“Any way your heart desires.” She spoke simply and patronizingly, as if it was obvious.

 

“As a friend, well… I guess she wasn’t too bad when she was being friendly. A little obnoxious sometimes, but…” My voice trailed off.

 

“And do you have any interest in her besides the platonic-” she giggled slightly at the sheer irony- “friendship?”

 

“Hm. Good question.” I wasn’t about to just tell her. Besides… I didn’t honestly even know myself.

 

“I’ll just get Abbie to tell me,” she threatened.

 

“Thought she wasn’t talking to me?” I asked, sounding wickedly amused.

 

“She’s curious herself, you know.”

 

“Oh. You think she’d read my mind just to find that out, even when she hates my guts?”

 

“She already has. Remember? You thought she was a stalker who watched you sleep? That was an accident. She took a tiny glimpse of your eyes. How much do you think she'll gleam from a few seconds of looking at you?”

 

I didn't answer.

 

“So do you have an answer?”

 

Obviously, there wasn’t much point in lying. “Not really…”

 

Her voice became sympathetic. “Don’t really know yourself?”

 

I glared at her, half irritated, half amused. “I thought Abbie was supposed to be the mind reader?”

 

At this, she laughed, and sipped at her water, lost in her thoughts once again.

 

***

 

And then I was back in the present. Only three days, and I could get back out to the fresh outdoor air. Who knows? Maybe Lucy and I could get back together in the shack and talk some more once I was ungrounded. Or just sit in comfortable silence. Either worked. Just three more days…

 

This thought comforted me as I lay on my blue covers, not even bothering to tuck myself in, not even bothering to turn off the overly bright light, eyes closing, dreams already fluttering about in my mind…

 

Unexpectedly, black stains began to cover my eyes.

 

I had absolutely no need to do anything with my dreaming powers tonight- I hadn’t even thought of anything close to wishing my dreaming mode into existence before I fell asleep! I tried to keep the darkness at bay both physically and mentally- I couldn't even feel my body anymore, so physical was out. Despite my efforts, the drips of blackness covered the red overtone of my eyelids and the colors of my dreams. It worked slowly but steadily, enveloping me in the murky nothingness of my dark powers… What was happening? This had never happened before. Unlike my last few attempts at using my dream techniques, I had absolutely no idea what to expect. I had not consciously decided to do this…

 

A terrible thought occurred to me. What if I was out of control? What would I do? Who would I hurt this time? After all, I had not consciously decided to fall into dreamer mode to harm Christopher, and hadn’t that happened anyways? This couldn’t be happening! What if I killed Julia, or Rich, or Winnie? What would I do if Lucy’s blood were on my hands? And… How could I live with myself if… If... I couldn’t even will myself to think of the name. What if she would be the dead one this time?

 

Feeling my figurative stomach sink down to about where my nonexistent knees were, I also felt my imaginary heart jump up to my throat, although I was fairly certain that my actual physical heart was beating just as quickly. Would I prove myself a monster yet another time? I couldn’t just let this happen… The absolute black would not budge a bit, even though I focused all my energy on it… Trying to reason with it, trying to force it away, pleading, begging, anything to get it away! This shouldn’t be happening!

 

Why couldn’t I wake up?

 

Despair flooded every part of me, and I felt the hopelessness of my fate electrocute me, like I was smashed face-first into an electric fence- the same unstoppable shock, the same despairing anticipation for more of the pain. The same dread feeling, wondering if lives hung in the balance- but it was not my life I was concerned with, but of the people I cared about. But maybe… Maybe if I held on, the weight of all the damage I would cause would force me to wake up. Maybe if I reached my mind's pain tolerance breaking point... If my consciousness reached its very threshold of sanity... At this point, I had nothing to lose.

 

So I clasped the stinging and throbbing remorse with all the resolve I could muster, straining and tensing to hold onto the hurt, hoping that against all odds…

 

Shrieking and hissing in pain, Christopher’s voice screamed out at me, as clear as if he was standing right next to me. What was happening?! This was not the first time this had happened- before, when I was in Abbie’s mind for the first time… I had heard Christopher then as well! Why was this happening? I had tried my very hardest to forget about my father, and time acted as a sieve, helping me lose my past. Had his spirit then decided to haunt me every single time I used the power that had killed him?

 

I realized it now, clearer than I ever had before. No doubt about it, I was nothing but a menace. A monster! The only thing I could ever do in life was release these murderous powers on the people I loved! A monster. That was the only descriptor that could describe just how horrible I was. How could I have ever let Abbie talk me into trying out these demon powers on her? I had awakened the evil within me, potent, but biding its time, waiting for the right moment to strike.

 

Christopher did not stop screaming, and with each renewed scream, fresh waves of pain pulled me under, so that I did not even remember who I was anymore.
 

And just as abruptly as it appeared, the blackness disappeared. Waking up, I could feel the ceiling fan blow a gust of cool air on my face, which already had frigid drops of sweat all over it. Without thinking, I opened my eyes and found out a second later that the harsh light was still on. I closed my eyes, only to see a stunned pattern of green and purple glowing on my eyelids as my irises protested against the sudden burst of light. Gasping, I rolled over, trying to get rid of the disorientating mist of disjointed thoughts. So much of me was on fire. My lungs were inflamed from the cold oxygen that was suddenly being forced though my airways. My eyes were burning, reeling from the impact of the bright lights. My brain felt numb, so cold that it smoldered and ate away at the core of everything I professed to be.

 

Was it all just a nightmare? It was far too vivid to be a mere nightmare, but I couldn’t be sure… But one thing was certain. I mustn’t fall asleep again. Ever again. It was just too risky to fall asleep. It was also impossible not to.

 

And as I faced the concept of this insurmountable reality, I only felt relief.

 

***

 

Three days is an extravagantly long time when you have nothing to do but watch your own scared self in a piece of reflective glass, unable to even sleep out of fear.

 

***

 

Sleep is numbing and refreshing, and purifies my mind of the filth that accumulates as part of everyday life. It’s thought by many experts that some elements of sleep are actually a sort of filter that separates and removes useless information from our brains, to keep them clean and running on tip-top shape. The actual act of sleeping is also known to energize our bodies and keep our energy levels up.

 

Dreaming is terrifying, and I refuse to sleep because of it. But I’m not a machine. There are only so many days I can go through without sleep. Not only does this go against human instinct, but it especially defies my own nature, as a dreamer. But while I had the potential to hurt anybody, even the slightest possibility, I couldn’t sleep. I knew that.

 

So when I recognized the fatigue finally overrunning my mind, and felt myself drifting off to sleep, why didn’t I fight the manic images that heralded sleep? For once, I found myself too drained to lucid dream. I had no will left in me. Reduced to primal desire. Nature had won this battle, but if I didn’t sleep for a few nights, then slept once in maybe a week… Well, I’d have a lesser chance, at least, of hurting anyone…

 

For the first time in my life, I had a normal dream, but what my subconscious mind was bringing up was…

 

Abbie’s face looked disturbingly familiar, and it was frozen, as if in a photograph, in the expression she had given me last: a dead, deliberately emotionless look. This morphed timelessly to my memory of her smiling face, and I watched the corner of her lips twitching upward, bit by bit, until she was smiling her usual closed mouth impish grin. Her eyebrows, scrunched together before, smoothly changed into a relaxed position, and her eyes lightened up, twinkling and sparkling with the gorgeous waterfall-blue color, and with the same intensity and power… And I noticed the blush returning to her cheeks, the blood turning her lips rosy red, instead of the pale pink-white tone they had when she was pressing her lips together tightly in her effort not to say a single word to me.

 

That I could remember any of these details in such a precise way bothered and upset me. Considering our strained relationship, considering that this girl was not going to ever talk to me again, considering that she was doing her best to forget me. With this, rejection pierced through my heart, and without pausing, continued to cut through my chest and stomach until I felt utterly and miserably empty- I was not even able to feel enough emotion to sense the lingering pain.

 

And I recollected a faint memory… The first time I had ever seen Abbie, in my dreams, the night before I had met her in person. That dream took over my head, driving out the pain and inviting in the illusion of our bodies, intertwined- but not sensual. Yes, we were kissing, holding each other dangerously close, but somehow, it was just there. Like we were meant to fit together like this, like it was the only fate we had together.

 

Remembering Abbie’s first words to me, I realized she had been right- I had been embarrassingly off about her body features in the first dream. Now that a moving, breathing replica of my imagination was wrapped around me, it became obvious. Perfect in transcribing each minuscule detail precisely. Imperfect in the same ways Abbie was, in the same ways that made Abbie beautiful... And imperfect in that this would never happen in reality.

 

I would have to pay for this. In the morning, when I would awaken, the pain I had felt earlier would be inescapable, and when Abbie looked in my eyes, as I knew she would inevitably do, I would have a new hell to bear, another weight upon my shoulders. There was absolutely no reason for me to me to be dreaming about this again, and Abbie wouldn't let me forget it.

 

The words “wake up” and “pain” directed my dreams elsewhere, and I could feel my body being grated on a bed of knives, slowly being sliced into pieces, but simultaneously being sedated by the vast, unending numbness the emptiness brought. By now, Abbie had not only left a wound in my heart- she had demolished it completely, and saw it fit to continue destroying the rest of my vital major organs. The constant flow of pain did not change until I suddenly didn’t feel the need to breathe, until blinking became pointless, until my heart no longer felt that pumping blood was necessary. When would I wake? When would this nightmare end?

 

As a tear slipped down my face, I let out a howl of hurt. This was all too real. Why couldn't I have the same, normal dreams as everybody else? I let out another strangled scream. And then I realized a very vital fact. I discovered that I was wide-awake. With this discovery, my eyes flew around the room, hoping that, by some nonexistent chance, Abbie had not been a dream. I would take the rest of the pain if Abbie had been real.

 

It didn’t take long to find out that only my pale-white reflection was in the room with me. Oh s**t. Caroline. What would she think? I lay back down, pretending to be asleep for Caroline’s benefit. I tried to even out my ragged breaths. Maybe, if I was lucky, she would think she had dreamed my screaming after she came to check on my calm, sleeping figure.

 

***

 

“So, I think you’re not grounded anymore today?” Lucy was sitting across from me as usual in the chemistry lab.

 

“Yeah. How’d you know?” I was sure the puzzlement overflowed onto my facial features.

 

“Abbie,” she said simply.

 

“So, she’s still eavesdropping on my mind?” Instead of sounding angry, I found that I sounded merely amused. Maybe I’d been hanging out with Lucy too long.

 

“Yup, yup.”

 

That reminded me. “By the way, how did you keep all the stuff that went on in the shack from Abbie? And all these conversations we have in here?”

 

She grinned. “Even girls who have mind-reading sisters need their privacy. It’s just something that happens when you have to live with her too long. I think dad does it too, without realizing he's doing it.”

 

I was intrigued. “So, there’s an actual technique?”

 

“Yeah. You don’t look at her eyes, and when you do, you think about something else very hard.” She kept a straight face for all of two seconds, and then burst out into laughter. “Sorry. Tasteless joke, considering the circumstances.”

 

Snorting disgustedly, I opted to take a drink from my water bottle rather than to verbally reply. Lucy was still convinced that the chemicals in the lab could seep through plastic, but at this point, I no longer cared.
 

Ignoring her last statement, I asked her a new question. “So why doesn’t she see what happened in the shack whenever she looks into my eyes?”

 

“Good question. Sheer dumb luck?” I could tell from the way her face was composed that she was actually being serious. Well, wasn't that a first.

 

“Well, it’s about time I finally had luck on my side.”

 

“Good luck avoids you?”

 

“Like I’m a plague.”

 

“Maybe you are a plague.”

 

“That’d explain why Abbie’s avoiding me.”

 

“But wouldn’t it?”

 

“Humor me.”

 

We took a break from our semi-playful banter to take a bite out of our lunches, chewing silently, wrapped in our individual thoughts. Once my substandard school lunch sandwich was thoroughly gone, I asked her another question.

 

“So, do you think Abbie will ever talk to me again?”

 

At this, she just laughed. “She doesn’t even know that you know all about her secrets. Think about just how furious she’d be if she found out.”

 

“Hm. Point taken. But…” I trailed off.

 

Against her nature, Lucy pursued the point. “But what?”

 

“But just how angry would she be with me? She’s just mostly angry with herself, because she doesn’t want to tell me, because she thinks I wouldn’t ever understand her condition and reject her, right?”

 

Usually, it was me who winced at Lucy’s contorted sentences- today, it was her grimacing at mine. “Something like that, more or less. It doesn’t make sense, because either way, you’re not a presence in her life, and you can’t understand just how-”

 

I cut her off. “So, if we told her…”

 

Her calm eyes blazed into hard steel. “She'd have my head, and most likely yours too.”

 

“But once she sees that I wouldn’t care one way or another about her mind-reading, and sees that I would keep her secrets…”

 

“Assuming, of course, that she wouldn't axe-murder us both upon receiving the news.”

 

Irritation rushed through my veins. Surely at this point, she was just being fatuous. “She’s your own sister! Give her the benefit of the doubt!”

 

She snorted. “I am giving her the benefit of the doubt.”

 

An unpleasantly familiar voice cut through our conversation, with a sort of nonchalance that managed to terrify me and relieve me at the same time. “She is.”

 

Shock flashed across Lucy’s features, and I’m sure that it was just as prevalent on mine. Unwilling to accept that the voice was actually there, we turned simultaneously to face the source. Abbie was propped against the doorway, looking bored more than anything else, picking some dirt from underneath her nails. Not even a trace of the wrath that Lucy and I had been expecting was present anywhere in her image, and she just stood there, looking… Almost disappointed. The ultimate image of indifference, but that just belied the rage we all knew was boiling inside; the real question now was how badly she would explode. From the corner of my eye, I could see Lucy trying to pack her things back into her backpack inconspicuously, preparing to bolt from the room at a second’s notice. But I didn’t move- I couldn’t. Not from fear, but from the feelings of joy that came through my bloodstream. Maybe it wasn’t right that I should feel so relieved to hear her voice, after only a week or two… But…

 

Already, she was starting to muddle my mind again, as if she had never stopped talking to me. It was a horrid feeling, not being able to think, but also pleasant. Numbing. Soothing. And if she hadn’t exploded already, maybe she wouldn’t.

 

“I was wondering why I kept seeing bunny rabbits hopping around in a meadow in your mind,” Abbie said, cautiously now, as if she was trying not to scare us away. “Did you think I’d get exceptionally angry?”

 

Lucy matched Abbie’s tone. “It’d be the only thing that made sense. I know you didn’t want to tell Dyer… Didn’t you think he would think that you were a freak? Or tell your secrets to everybody? Take advantage of the situation?”

 

A few creases appeared in Abbie's forehead as she winced. “Yeah.”

 

“So, what’s with the calm coolness?” Lucy asked eagerly. Caution turned to curiosity. The Randall sisters seemed to find everything fascinating, even in the face of dangerous situations.

 

“Well, the first day you came here-”

 

My eyes began to bulge. “You’ve been eavesdropping on us since the first day Lucy came here? You've heard everything we've talked about in here?”

 

With a guilty look in her eye, she nodded. “I got curious to where Lucy went, and lo and behold, it’s you again. At first, I was thinking about running in and murdering the both of you, but I got a little too curious…”

 

“Curiosity killed the cat, you know.” Lucy’s voice was teasing now, and she was loosening up from her tense position, propping her legs up on the table.

 

“No, that was me. Curiosity was just an excuse.” Abbie laughed nervously, waiting for an outward representation of my inside feelings. This time, it was her who seemed to be avoiding my eyes, although I stared her right where her eyes would be if she wasn’t staring at my right ear, trying to distract herself from the longing to look into my eyes. She could’ve just seen for herself, but she wanted to hear what I had to say.

 

My voice was hollow and dead sounding. “So you’ve heard everything that we’ve said here.”

 

“More or less. I also followed you two to the shack and listened in to the conversation there. You have no idea how close I was to coming in there and strangling Lucy.” Her voice was at least repentant.

 

“You’re lucky I don’t strangle you.” My words and my tone didn’t match up. I sounded far too detached.

 

Her frown became more pronounced. “Look, I’m not angry, alright? I didn’t interrupt your conversations, even when my secrets came out into the open air. And I’m sorry I’ve been acting this way to you for the past week. It was wrong of me, but I'm apologizing now. Honestly, what’re you so upset about? Over the last week, I’ve had time to think, and I’ve decided that we can get past the evasiveness and deception. We can be friends.”

 

I almost forgave her right then, but there was something else that was bugging me. “What I’m so angry about,” I spit out, “is that you had absolutely no right to listen in on a private conversation.”

 

She looked so confused and wounded here that I almost just gave up without making my point. “There wasn’t anything you guys talked about that I didn’t already know.”

 

“Oh, yes there was.”

 

Lucy cleared her throat. “Not really. She can see just about all the details of your experiences, as if it’s her own memory. So any dreamer things we talked about don’t matter to her, because she pretty much has experienced it firsthand.”

 

“That’s not what I’m talking about,” I growled.

 

Comprehension dawned on Lucy’s face, as her intuition kicked in. Abbie remained looking confused. Turning to face Abbie, Lucy raised her head to look her right in the eye, and Abbie reluctantly tore her gaze from me to Lucy. After about three or four seconds, the exact same expression Lucy had worn flashed onto Abbie’s face.

 

Abbie’s voice was soft as she spoke to me again. “You don’t have to be ashamed about telling me, you know.”

 

“I’m not ashamed.” But I flushed heavily as I said it.

 

“Look, I already knew that.”

 

“But you've never heard me say it out loud.”

 

In a single stride, she came closer to me. For a split second of hesitation, she deliberated. Then, gracefully and quickly, she wrapped her arms around me, and rested her head on my shoulder. Still staggered by this unusual show of vulnerability, I was about to say something half-witted, and probably incoherent, but Abbie beat me to the punch.

 

“Look Dyer, lots of guys confess their desires for me. And lots more don’t, but I can still see it in their eyes. But I’ve never seen something like this… You honestly care about me, maybe more than you care about yourself. You find yourself puzzling over everything I say and do, even when I’m being downright nasty to you. I’ve lead you on, and I’ve let you down, but still, you feel…”

 

I struggled to breathe. “Yeah?”

 

“The same,” she whispered.

 

“Well, of course I do.”

 

She blinked, dazed. “Really?”

 

Nodding, I let my cheeks rub tenderly against her shoulder.

 

“I wonder…” She pulled back slightly, enough so that she could make eye contact. And this time, I didn’t feel any resentment about the whole process.

 

She breathed in quickly.

 

Dread coursed through my veins. “What is it?”

 

“You actually feel that strongly towards me?”

 

I smiled. “With a little bit of antagonism.”

 

Abbie did not answer or smile back.

 

Lucy stepped into our line of view. “So, Abbie, think you’re in love? Dyer says he’s not sure, but I think he’s in love with you. I can’t exactly see inside his mind though, so I can’t give you any guarantee.”

 

Still, Abbie did not say anything, but her grip on me grew tighter.

 

I did not want to think about what I had to say next. I knew that it was vital that I say it, but I didn't know if my spirit was strong enough. We all knew that this was the decisive point in this relationship. I would be immensely guilty if I didn’t offer this option.

 

“Look, Abbie, just because I care about you- too much- well, that doesn’t mean that you have to feel an obligation to love me back. I’d much rather you just love me as a friend, for who I am, than to be loved as something more, but only because you feel guilty about my unrequited feelings.”

 

To my astonishment, her features rearranged themselves into anger. “Do you think- could you honestly think-” She couldn’t even finish her sentences, and she started to shake violently. In some corner of my mind, I wondered if I ought to be concerned for her. “Do you think that’s it’s because you’re a fellow freak, or because you know my secrets, or because you have strong feelings for me that I’m considering this?”

 

“Um…” She had taken the general direction of my thoughts and added in some new, foreign elements that I hadn't even considered. To be honest, I was a little lost.

 

And her mood changed again, abruptly. “Dyer... I've never heard you say it out loud. If... There's going to be... Something- er- something more... If that's what you want...” She took a deep breath. “Then now's the time to say it.”

 

I stared right into her eyes. What my mouth was about to do would be redundant, but it needed to be said. The words needed to escape into the open air, where they could bear witness against me.

 

“Abbie... I love you. You can read my thoughts and feel my emotions, but you'll never fully understand how much I love you.”

 

Her body trembled against mine. “I love you too.”

 

I held her close. “So we're... Together now?”

Her smile was shaky. “If that's what you want.”

 

“Yeah. That's what I want, more than anything else.”

 

“Then yes. We're together.”

 

Lucy later told me that I had fainted, but the only thing I remember is falling into Abbie, and her arms wrapping around me.