Present

The main character introduces her story and makes herself known before she begins to describe the events of her life.

I haven’t exactly figured out just quite how to begin. It’s a little odd if you stop to consider it, because the beginning always seems like the easiest part. Right? I could say the end is the hardest part, but I suppose we’ll cross that path if we get to it.

 

     My apologies, I had to put my pen down for a second to light my cigarette. Nothing like lying in bed blackening your lungs while trying to figure out how to put pen to paper, how to transfer the things screaming through your brain and ripping through your soul through your arm into the pen and smoothly across the eleven by nine inch college ruled paper in the empty notebook you dug out of your closet.

The smoke creates a haze over my room, even though the window is open.

At this point I’m really wondering what kind of person is going to read something so dark and deranged. Not even a page in and I’m thinking, will it be someone as desperate and hopeless as I? Someone who just picked it up in a store as they perused countless shelves, because it in some sick way caught their attention? Or someone who’s just bored out of their f*****g mind?

So I’m assuming no matter what the case may be, if you’ve made this progress into this first page, you must be wondering what the f**k this is. Bad news. I don’t even know what the f**k this is. Is it a desperate (there’s that word again) attempt at gaining attention? Is it the ramblings of some lost fool who doesn’t know what to do with their life anymore? Is it going to offer insight? Clarity?

Let me tell you something. I hope it offers those things even in the smallest way to anyone who even reads the first few pages and puts it down. Why? Not because I’m going to make myself out to be this self-righteous savior that cares about giving anything to anyone. But because God those things are so f*****g precious. Anyone who can give me some clarity is to be automatically revered. Considering my head is so fucked up and constantly a swirling vortex of thoughts emotions and worries that would make any normal person’s head implode from the pressure. But that’s just me.

So what am I doing? I don’t know. Maybe writing this is a way for me to lay it all down and see if I can figure some things out, even if it’s just a fraction of what’s wrong with me or some small revelation that provides me with the ability to actually get a decent night’s sleep for once. Either way, I’m sure you’re tired of hearing me go on about how I don’t know what the f**k I’m doing. So let’s delve into this… Insightful adventure.

And that’s exactly how I’m going to begin.

And I can promise you it’s going to be unlike anything you’ve ever beheld. For better or worse... well that’s for you to decide.

My name- oh, what’s in a name? Well it’s Mariah. If you’re looking for a visual, I’d say about 5’7”, slim, tattoos, green eyes, shoulder length brown hair, thirty dollar underwear, ten dollar jeans and most likely a black pea coat or some kind of collared jacket of some sort.

Anyway, past all the introductory s**t. I’ll begin… oh a little bit of time after I turned the wonderful age of fifteen.

What you’re about to read is my thoughts and feelings and explanations of my life as it happens. Let me personally warn you that it is probably not for the faint of heart. Unless you’re about as fucked up in the head as I am. If that’s the case, feel free to dismiss the warning. If not, I feel obligated to tell you ahead of time that I was one ridiculous teenager. With the story to go with it.

Author's Note

The chapters will be a bit shorter or longer sometimes because the parts where she pauses the story are more of her personal thoughts and meant to give you a view of how messed up in the head her life has made her. Therefore there may be some chapters that are only a few paragraphs, but this is purposeful for effect.

Reviews

[EylonBear]

Very captivating. I would continue to read this story just reading that. It's raw. which makes it all the better. I love the way how it's just like the main characters brain vomit all over the page.