My Demon

A Story by Jake Murphy

This is a short story on a experience I had last year when I was going through a spell of depression.

I lay here all alone. I’m in bed, darkness all around. I toss and turn trying to get comfortable, trying to bring on sleep. I’m in pain. Pain on the outside as well as the inside. I can escape the pain during everyday life. Theres just enough distraction out there to keep my mind shut down. Work, music, occasional games, occasional friendly conversation with fellow humans are all examples to a name just a few. I’m without that escape when laying in bed waiting for sleep to happen. I’m the most vulnerable to the voice as I call it. It’s not a real voice. It’s that inner dialog you have inside your mind. The Voice. The voice as I describe it may or may not be, in the easiest way to say it, “Me”. The inner me, my subconscious. I don’t know. Anyways, during these periods of waiting, when everything is silent. The only noice around is the vibrations and sound of wind coming from my table fan and the occasional creek and bang from an old house settling. Perhaps a dog bark or two but generally speaking the only main focus my hears hear are the beating of my heart and the Voice. He blurts into my mind almost the instant I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Bombardment of questions so frequent and fast that if they made sound it would be as if you were in a grand hall and a thousand people were talking at the same time and the echoes were all hitting you at an instant. I try to drown out the wispers and fall asleep until he starts to get my attention with things that strike a nerve or cause me sadness. I’m unable to ignore them. Questions as “Why you here alone”, “Why doesn’t anyone like you”, “Who is going to be at your funeral when you die”,”If you went missing would anyone try to look for you”. The questions continue over and over getting more severe and harder to answer. I always begin to come down from the illusion of happiness the world gives me and come back down to my reality. I start to answer him back. A one way assault becomes a two way conversation. Deep down feelings rise to the surface. Depression takes over and I believe him. He becomes my ally. Safe to say my friend. I remember one night vividly. It haunts to this day. It’s my reason to write all this down. One night last year, amide one of these conversations with the Voice. I start to drift off to sleep and I feel trapped, down with despair and lonely but mostly lost. I remember almost falling asleep but never reaching sleep like I was out but awake and alert both occurring at the same time. The Voice won that evening. I whole-heartingly believed him and agreed with him. I felt something slam up against my chest. Almost similar to a pillow being slapped across you during a pillow fight. Didn’t hurt but enough to immediately wake you up and wonder what is going on. I opened my eyes and looked around with my heart beating out of my chest expecting who knows what. All I saw was blackness. No light coming off anything, complete blackout. I raise my hands to my eyes and rub them out and stare around the room again. Yet again I saw nothing. I feel around and I’m still in bed. I still hear my fan running so the power isnt out. I decide to get up and see whats going on because im confused a little. I go to slide my legs to the side of the bed and sit up. I can’t. I try again with more force, again frozen. I can’t move. He suddenly says something. He normally never appears when I’m fully awake. His words get my attention.

“I’ve finally got you all to myself. It took time,boy did it ever take time, but your all mine.”

My brain instantly signaled goosebumbs and heart race mode, I usually associate with the fight or flight mode your body is naturally equipped with. I couldn’t move and how do you fight something that is not there? I recognized him as the voice but he sounded more real. I answered him as I normally did.

“You have always been there. You are me. I’m confused as to what your referring to.”

A long pause took place. Moments passed. Time wasn’t discernible.

He responds after awhile.

“I am who I am. You are who you are. We are not the same. Yet math would have you believe that one plus one equals two, you plus I equals two sepearted people but we are one but also two. That is the conundrum of life.”

I’m Afraid. Confused. Lost. Trapped. Alone. Words I’ve felt forever it seems but now it feels more real. He speaks again.

“Get up! Let us go this way.”

My body moves on command my not my command. My feet move to the side of the bed. My torso moves up and my head follows till im in a seated postion. My body stands up and moves toward the door in a trance like speed and like movements. Almost sleep walking. All this is happening without my control I’m simply viewing this like a first person perspective movie or video game. He starts to say something else but in a more whispering tone.

“Thats it a little more, little more. Follow me and shall lead the way to freedom. Being free sounds good dont it? Yes of course it does. Right this way. Closer ah, here we are. Look at that reflection. Perfection.”

I was lead down the hall and into the bathroom again everything is black no light what so ever. The only reason I reconized its the bathroom because of the full length mirror I was standing in front of. My face and body were perfectly lighted and crystal clear but everything else continued to be darkness. I looked at the figure in the mirror, myself. I didnt see perfection as he stated. I saw and thought everything negative about myself. My looks, my weight issue both disgust me.

“Then change it” He yelled.

“How?” I questioned out loud.

“The end is only the begining. You must be reborn to flourish. It all starts with the end.” he expains

“End?”

“Death!”

“I don’t know if thats the best way”

“I have always been there for you. No one else but me. I wouldnt give you wrong advice. I can help you if you think its to hard. Just say “ok” and all your problems go away my friend. Easy as one, two, three.”

“...I..I’m scared...”

“Silence with that talk. I’m here with you just say “ok”

“...ok..”

I close my eyes. What did I agree to? I feel my hands move. The left hand grabs what feels like a bottle. The right grabs what feels like a cup. The two move in tandom like a couple pistons. Left one up to my mouth then right, left, right. Again. Again. The left hand shakes and drops its object. The right keeps pumping away for a few more tries and then falters and drops its object. I open my eyes. Tears roll down my face.

“Lets go back and lay you down and you will be all better, ah.” He says softly.

My feet move and I’m headed away from the mirror and my only sense of light and head back to the darkness. My heart is pounding. Im so afraid. I grasp with all my might at the last remants of light illuminating from the mirror but it was no use. I had no physical control over my body. I clamber back to my room. My prison cell. I panic and scream for the only thing I could think that represents light. Religious or not when faced with mortal death you yell for god.

“Oh god, help me for I have sined. I let evil in my heart and have been led to temptation. I beg for thy forgiveness and ask for your protective hand in my time of need. I do not wish for evil. I bow at your holyness and plead for a chance to change my ways. Please god dont let my perish for one mistake I am weak my lord make me strong I beg of you.”

My body walks into my room. The bedroom light comes on. I fall down to the floor. I’m back in control. I look behind me. Threw the doorway is a dark silhouette. A silhouette of a man’s figure. He shakes his head in disgust and when I blink next the figure was gone. I broke down in tears ran out into the bathroom and forced my self to get sick. I know what I had done in my darkest hour. It was time to change history. I cleaned up and got a drink of water to try and calm my nerves as I was confused and shaken up. Tears still rolling down my cheeks. I still dont know what happened. I dont know if God is real. I didn’t write this to debate the facts. All I know is he still talks to me every night but I now tell him to shut up I’m trying to sleep. I like to think that means I’m winning for a change. This experience also made me stop and think. Maybe it will help others to stop and think. Who knows.