Simplicity

You ever put your trust and belief in the wrong person? Well for years that’s how I felt about God. That perhaps all the stories were wrong and he really was dead, that I was wasting my prayers on a nonexistent life form. Like maybe the stories were just made up, like other religions, and I had just picked the wrong one to believe, or maybe I shouldn’t have even of picked one in the first place. I used to constantly feel like my life was being wasted, going with the flow to the max (times 10) and that if I could just find enough things to pass the time that maybe I wouldn’t notice. That the people around me would just associate me with a blur or blip that passes by and think nothing of it. Maybe if I can make myself invisible than it wouldn’t matter whether or not I felt like I was worth it, whether or not I had a sense of purpose, or anything else that goes along those lines. I remember asking my Sunday school teacher when I was younger, around 7 maybe, how she knew that the bible was real. How she was sure that it wasn’t just a collection of made up stories that was forced upon us. How was I supposed to accept, believe, and give my whole life and body toward something that I believed had shaky foundations itself. All she told me was because its true, little solace to a child and no help in my search for finding anything that would take me anywhere worth being in life. Always being closed off I never talked to my parents about any of this, or really anyone for that matter, even up till today. On the contrary my parents used to come into my room every night and say a prayer with me, I got really good at memorization this way. Saying enough of the same thing to pass the test and get to bed as soon as I could. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I tried, wishing that tonight I would feel something different, and longing for change but none such thing ever came. I felt as though I was just disappearing further and further into the background, a place where I’ve grown comfortable and was sure that no one was ever looking. My journey with God took a complete halt somewhere from around 8 or 9 to around age 13 or 14. The only time I would pray would be for my turn on the dinner rotation. I didn’t have any type of relationship with God and am pretty sure I never touched or even knew where my bible was for all of those years. I began to cut, watch pornography, I bullied other kids, and just generally wish to be anywhere else but home. My mom and I would go at it every day, Bryce and I the same thing. Frustrated the cuts would get deeper and the feeling much better. This was in the sixth grade on both accounts. After getting caught I got much better at internalizing my pain. There was a point in time when my hair would cover half my face, I couldn’t care less what I wore, and I would hardly ever break the barrier between my room and its door. I had no close friends and didn’t want any. Now I’ve changed. Not much, but for the better. I still love to internalize my pain and wish for the knife on days when I just feel like I can’t handle it but I remember that now I have God to turn to. Granted most of the time I don’t but I now know that I can. I have become more vulnerable in this past year than I ever thought possible, more open in this past summer than all the years of my life combined, and am currently working on surrendering and patience. I think I got a little of the surrendering down this past Sunday. I couldn’t stop crying all the way through the message. I had been telling God for a few days to take whatever part of me he could use, for real this time. That I was giving it all up to him and that I just couldn’t take it anymore, not an easy thing for me to admit. I think he took me  up on my deal. Now I know that all of this may seem like rambling and no there has been no use of the bible or one of its verses, instead I believe God wanted this to be a practice of both surrender and faith, two things I would consider to be my weakness (no matter what the test said Jenn). Split second last night I decided it would be a good idea to trust him, no matter how much I would hate it, that I needed to step out and just embrace whatever the fall out. God is so much bigger than I am and there is nothing I can do to stop him. Like the old saying goes, “if you can’t beat ‘em, join em.”

 

The How

We have a section in our English class when we are writing a Precise called the how. It is full of mind bending questions we are expected to answer on a piece of literature that we just read like, how does the text mean what it means or how does the text realize its purpose? Dumb I know. But to me in my head the how, how do I get closer to God, how do I build a relationship with God, how can he use me, all felt that way to me; like I just couldn’t wrap my head around the question and much less the answer.  It took many years with people that are way smarter than I could ever imagine and a whole lot of observation to decipher an answer: I don’t know. No really, I have absolutely no idea how one is supposed to develop a more personal relationship with the Lord, how to surrender, how to improve your walk with God, how to enhance your experience or whatever. All I can tell you is that it’s not a walk, not a relationship, not a marathon or a sprint, at least not in the conventional way. Our life with God IS God’s and it cannot be defined by only one set of words or a good enough use of imagery that we think can accurately sum up Yahweh. Like are we insane. We have a whole book that tries and still leaves us with WAY to many questions (at least in my case). But I can give you this piece of advice, and I hope you take it and move it around a little: just try but don’t try. I know, the statement is a contradiction that makes no sense when you first hear it but please allow me to explain.

Just try

This relationship, or walk, or path, or whirlwind, or tornado, or hurricane, (I could go on), or whatever you want to call it between us and God is in fact TWO sided. I know, you are awesome and you inspire yourself much more than anyone else could but come on now, no need to be so simple minded. The world is so much bigger and more complex than 2-D and we need to start realizing it. There is so much more that goes on beyond the classroom, even though it may not feel like there is enough time in the day for such things to happen. God can’t just sit there, like Jenn often does with me, and just give all the advice and the answers because you simply showed up and thought that was enough.  No! If you simply showed up to your math class do you think the teacher would then sit you down and give you a detailed explanation of each of the problems for homework that night along with their answers? Don’t get me wrong it would be nice but it’s also just a fantasy.  That sort of thing is just not going to happen. You have to take the instruction your teacher has given you and figure out the problems for yourself. They are always there if you need questions answered, but are not there to provide you with all the answers. If they were there would be no need for you, everything would already be all figured out, right? God gave you his whole bible as instruction. And, just because he knows how individualistic he made his people to be, he made sure that accounts were given from as many perspectives as possible so that everyone could have someone to relate to. And then to top it off he sent the ultimate teacher, the one and only, Holy Spirit, in case we did have any questions we would like an answer for. We don’t have to figure everything out for ourselves, we don’t even have to figure out that much, but we do need to experience and do all the things God has planned for us. In that respect you have to try and listen to what God has in store for you. Something I have not learned how to do yet, but luckily that’s what the teachers are here for.

Don’t try

Don’t try hard. Do not think that just because you did something more or different from another that somehow you will earn brownie points with the Lord. Clearly if this is your line of thought you have not met him. That “All men are created equal” thing rings true through to religion and reaches us women too. I know you have heard it a million times but some people are so stubborn that it will take a million more until it finally sinks in: there is nothing you can do to make God love you more OR LESS. Nothing, nada, zilch; just please remember that.

There isn’t really an answer for the question, “Well Skye, how did you suddenly become so close with God?” because I haven’t yet. To me the Lord is still a complete stranger who just last week I finally felt ok enough to let through my front doorway. Trust is not my strong suit. But change did come, yes, and all I can attribute that to is God saying it was about high time I had some constant people I could rely on in my life to take me to the places he knows that I’m ready for. All he’s waiting is for me to trust him enough to realize that maybe he isn’t that crazy after all. Who knows, maybe I’m the insane buzz kill for not living as though God is real and holding back from all the crazy amazing things I claim to want from him in this life. But I think that is what the word push is for; to make sure that fear never comes into contact with one of His beloved. 

Bottom Line: It’s not about us

Guys, can I let you in on a little secret? ITS NOT ABOUT US!!!!! You can try and improve you as much as you think is the right amount but that’s not the point. God sent us out to love others, ALL others, and to make disciples of all nations. Don’t you think it’s about time we start applying those truths? I mean if we could just take one verse from the bible and start there I think that one would do it. It is THE commandment from God in my opinion. Yes the others are all equally important, but the last time we ever saw God these are the words he decided to leave with us. Let us at least live out his departing wish. But in order to do this we need to first get to know him and let him live in and through us. This does not mean that you wait for some amazing miraculous change to occur in you before you even think about saying the name of Jesus to anyone else around you. Come on now, that would be ridiculous because from one person to another, “ We are all broken!!!” So why would we think that we can assume the position of fixed to help the broken? We are not God nor shall we ever take his place, the position of fixed will never be ours but we should take comfort in the fact that it is his. That the burden and stress is not ours to carry, that he died for all of us and our sins, and that he loves us, and we should start living lives like we believe these statements. They don’t have to be loud and obnoxious so that everybody knows, you don’t want God to call you a snake like the Pharisees, but if you are in this, really in this, and have jumped into the cool water of the half frozen lake with both feet in the middle of winter in the snow laden Netherlands, than by now you ought to know that this ride will be one filled with anything but comfort and stability, but you must also know that there is no more capable driver at the wheel than our Lord God Jesus Christ with his trusty side kick the Holy Spirit, who we have known and grown up with all these years. Now dry off your feet and jump into the back seat of this windowless jeep and hang on for the ride. It’ll be a bumpy one. But know this, you can always ask the driver any question you have, and there will be stops along the way, he will never give you more than you can handle but I believe that each time your immunity to the ride will be longer and your faith strengthened so that when you do stop or get a flat tire you have enough sense to call on God this time. He’s been waiting with the keys for a while now.

Now this is not at all what I wanted to tell you. I thought I would write to you something about surrender and not about my life story. I had no intentions for my testimony this week but its funny how God works. Slowly piecing together the puzzles of you story until he finally allows you to go to sleep. But all I hope is that the information I have given you here tonight is at least helpful in the slightest way possible. That you walk away from the words I have spoken to you with at least a nagging feeling to relook at your relationship with the Lord because I feel like for some of us it has been much too long and we have become much to familiar with a 2-D view of our Lord. I want you to know that he is so much more than that, and so are you. Don’t get stuck in a rut trying to figure everything out and becoming miserable in the process, but instead put your everything in the Lord (and not all at once, but gradually, little by little) and just remember to step back once in a while and thank God for all he has done and pray that his work with you will never cease because ultimately the lifespan of you ministry is entirely up to you. From knowing each of you, my prayer is that you decide to make it a journey lifelong of epic proportions.  And that you never forget to call on others when that journey feels as though it’s coming to a close or feeling like too much for one person to handle. We are all your support system, each and every one of us here to help the other, and I pray we utilize as much of what God has blessed us with as we can, and that we share each of our own experiences with the world as often as possible. (Our gifts and tools included).