The great difference

He is poor with an ambition

He is rich through segregation

And they fuse to befriend diversity

The attraction is still Animosity

And within each other’s camps they despise

As they comfort their fate with lies

So as to resist their like poles

So as to believe in a hate they never stole

Reminding them of past statistical inference

Reminding them of the great difference

 

He believes in illusions and magic

She believes in philosophies and Tragic

Their attraction was fatal

Their love was strictly mental

And they have long regretted that wedding day

For there is no intersection of what they can say

Whether it be by his religious magic

Whether it be by her philosophical tragic

To each other they pose no resemblance

All magnifying the great difference

The sad great difference

 

He was about to kill himself

He had already taken the gun from the shelf

And he believed he had seen everything

And he had concluded that he was impressed by nothing

He then remembered of a man in a bottle store

Who was enjoying the company of a w***e

He looked very much happy with the situation

All added upon by Ale’s illusion

So he dropped the gun and cried

And wondered why death had not tried

And wondered why life had taken such a stance

Unaware he had just sculpted the great difference.

Reviews

[Storyworker]

First of all, I would like to say that you are an incredibly gifted writer. In fact, you’re currently far superior to various professional poets that I know. The reason that I say this is that you have the ability to convey meaning through your poetry. Many people write poetry in such a cryptic way that a reader has no way of figuring out what the writer is trying to say. Others write poetry without including any meaning at all. You do not do this, which is great. You write meaningful poetry that is understandable, while still maintaining a distinct and high quality style. This is an extremely impressive poem. I love it. Now here are a few things that I would like to offer some critique on.

First of all, your line’ meanings flow into each other perfectly.

He is poor with an ambition
He is rich through segregation
And they fuse to befriend diversity

These three lines show so much in a very short period of time, which is really cool. But some lines, while flowing into each other with meaning, do not flow into each other with sentence fluency. In other words, they don’t sound good. For instance:

So as to believe in a hate they never stole
Reminding them of past statistical inference
Reminding them of the great difference



The word “statistical” just doesn’t seem to fit. Too many syllables. I would try smoothing out lines like this to make them flow a bit better. This really helps with how the poem reads. Work hard on this, because this is honestly the biggest issue I have with the poem right now.

Something else I’d like to comment on is the use of capital letters.

The attraction is still Animosity

She believes in philosophies and Tragic

Since this happens more than once I am wondering if this was intentional or not. Words starting with capital letters can be used for emphasis or relation to God, but I can’t tell what you did this for. If this is a mistake, I would correct it, but if it isn’t and the letters are capitalized for a reason, then this is fine.

There were also a few lines that had words that seemed to be in the wrong form.

She believes in philosophies and Tragic

Unaware he had just sculptured the great difference.

Through regular grammar rules, “tragic” would instead be “tradgedy” and “sculptured” would be “sculpted”. Poetry is often a tricky form of writing though, and you may have meant to do this, but a reader is going to wonder why, and I currently can’t see a reason myself. These could just be simple grammar errors, but if they aren’t, make sure they’re there for a reason.

One final thing that I’d like to point out is that in poetry, ever word and punctuation mark counts. Your poem does not have a single punctuation mark until the last line. Ask yourself why it doesn’t, and make sure there’s a reason. Also make sure that every word and sentence is necessary to have in the poem. Honestly, ever line to me seems necessary and extremely effective right now. Just read through the poem and really examine it to make sure the poem is polished to perfection. This is general advice that I give to everyone who writes poetry. You’ve pretty much already mastered this.

Once again your poetry is extremely impressive and I do believe you have great talent. I think that if you keep writing like this, and keep developing your skills, you could definitely be a really great writer. In fact, I’ll be sharing this poem with a few of my friends because I find it to be so great. I honestly don’t have anything else to say regarding your poem, because I can’t come up with anything else I find bad about the poem. Keep writing. You really are a great writer.

-Storyworker

[Mufaro Kudakwashe Joseph Mangono]

Thank you very much! This review was quite an eye-opener!