Knuckle Bones

This is about my Gramps he's dead now it's pretty sad

You got them

knuckle bones

little chunks of hurt

sleeping under skin

them drifts of white

chicken spotted skin

furls and pits

in interesting marks

where creases would not be

on a newer model

You got them frosty hairs

in thorny rows

arranged across your brow

them eyes is water

flowing together

to express a certain

thought 

you got hazy lines

scribbled through your head

a photograph

being crossed out

You got that

albatross

around your neck

but you don’t know

who’s lost

You had them days

which have all gone bye

in a grey procession

to the sea

You got them jumpers

boiled grey wool

and a jacket with a zip

that laughs

You got shoes with laces

got to pull them together

but your hands 

don’t recall why

You got them sweets

hidden around the room

the last refuge

of a child

You got that chair

your final chair

and a bottle

that’s missing a boat

You got them bones

big knuckle bones

but the hands is 

deserting 

your cause 

Reviews

[OT]

you seem to give critical reviews, I always return with the same tone I receive so here we go:

this poem is a rather simple attempt in my opinion - your descriptions seem lacklustre and cheap at times - the attempt at echoing earlier statements - "you got them knuckle bones" etc - becomes strained and it seems to be a quick way to draw out the poem. Some descriptions I did like - the albatross was well used - but many others were rather unoriginal and quite plain - "you got them sweets hidden around the room" - a let down after earlier better stanzas. there are as said, some unique descriptions, but for the most part no, the theme and tone of the poem is monotonous, there is little for us to consider or think about - more abstract metaphors may add a little depth to the piece to let us think about what you might be saying as opposed to handing it to us. you've also got a few grammatical errors - mistaking "is" for "are" - them eyes is (are) water - and once more at the end "the hands is (are)". Also, "you got them" is a little colloquial - "you've got them" would perhaps be more appropriate. I like the idea of the poem, and some of the descriptions but in my honest opinion it can be reworked, it reads a little impersonal and detached - so we're not sure what to take from it. again my opinion - others will no doubt disagree.

[Patrick Ramsey]

Interesting use of words. I caught on to some stanzas better than others. I liked the unorthodox use of words. I would have had difficulty interpreting this without the line about your grandpa. Enjoyable. Keep writing!

[Ravyne Hawke]

You've used some good metaphors and some really blah ones.. I like how "knuckle bones" draws one into the poem, but what about "gnarled bones" since we all have knuckle bones... I love "frosty hairs in thorny rows arranged across your brow" now that is a great metaphor... This part is well-written:

"you got hazy lines
scribbled through your head
a photograph
being crossed out"

And the entire stanza about the albatross. The last three stanzas lack the pizzaz of the earlier stanzas. Maybe some fresh metaphors will help with the ending.

[Morrigan Nicole]

wow

[mudnub]

Well I was just looking around and it seemed like every review is just people going 'yeah it was good lol' I wanted to try and actually offer some criticism on people's work. I'm sure I will get enormous backlash from it but I don't think people get better if they're only told that what they do it great.

[Emily B]

Better than average. Not perfect. I've noticed you are pretty critical in your reviews. There's nothing wrong with that. Your words are skillfully crafted. There's room to grow, I guess.