Life Lessons From The Mouth Of Jesus

A bit of humor based sarcastic satire that pokes a bit of fun at that long since dead man which Christianity refers to as Jesus Christ ... No offense is intended towards any person of any faith ...

Life Lessons From The Mouth of Jesus, The Sun-God Man

Written By Marvin Thomas Cox-Flynn de Graham

Copyright © 1987 Marvin Thomas Cox

DBA: Marvin Thomas Cox-Flynn de Graham

All Rights Reserved

Jesus and his disciples were gathered around the campfire one sultry summer night as Jesus began instructing them how to attain to righteousness, perfection, and Eternal Life ...The conversation was good, the meal of magically baked fish was even better, and the crisp cool wine had every tongue wagging and slurring just a bit in relaxed reverie of that comradery only to be found among close and trusted friends.

There was no concern over running out of fish or wine, as the men were camped by the shore of the Jordan River, and there was, indeed, a certain confidence to be had in the knowledge that you were buddies with a sun-god man who could feed five thousand people from a small basket of fish, could provide bread to feed the same five thousand people in the breaking and dispensing of one meager loaf, and could handily turn the entire Jordan River into the finest wine in the Roman occupied Kingdom of Israel.

About that time, a moment of alcohol induced silence arose, just as Jesus raised his right thigh from sitting position to ease out a silent, but deadly, his eyes sparkling in the firelight and a warm smile painting his face.

Within moments, every face went suddenly pale, with several disciples fighting off nausea in an attempt to overcome their natural gag reflex, which was now demanding they begin puking their guts out in cruel reaction to the all permeating stench.

Jesus seemed unaffected and remained silent, but could not refrain from grinning from ear to ear, like a cat eating s**t, as he waited patiently to teach his apostles the next valuable lesson on life, righteousness, and perfection. Patiently, he awaited the proper moment that he knew one of his chosen would provide.

There was  a sudden, "Urrrrrrp," as vomit spewed forth from Luke's mouth even as he sought to cover his  lips and retain a damn fine meal. This event triggered several of the other disciples to do the same, and within minutes most all the disciples had up chucked their meal in shame and in disgust of thinking blasphemous thoughts about their beloved Teacher, "What the hell crawled up your a*s and died ...?" 

But, not a one spoke a word of protest, that is, until Peter could hold his breath no longer, as he boldly spoke that which all twelve men were thinking. 

" Lord! ... You're killing us over here! ..."

Jesus suddenly began cracking up and rolling around on the ground and right into the raging camp fire, with tears streaming down his face in uncontrollable laughter.

Quietly and confidently snuffing out the flames of his burning robe to suddenly be overwhelmed by the hilarity of it all and hit the ground rolling in another fit of uncontrollable laughter and more tears of joy running down his face. This laughing, rolling around in the dirt, and crying at the same time went on for some time, and for the life of them all, his disciples simply could not grasp what was so funny about his farts making them all deathly ill and lose the fine meal he had miraculously shared with them. They honestly wondered if their Teacher had just lost his mind and gone stark raving mad.

After a little while, the laughter ceased, and Jesus finally regained his composure. Filling his cup to overflowing and sloshing wine down his face as he gulped down several cups one right after the other, as if dying of thirst, Jesus became suddenly still, still like the quiet before or storm or the eye of a Hurricane.

And here it came once more as Jesus cracked a grin again, wider than the previous episodes, as the tears resumed streaming down his face one more time as he enjoyed the sheer hilarity of it all. Then, in an instant, the sun-god man regained his composure and became dead serious, looking each one of his apostles directly in the eyes as he spoke these words of wisdom to them all: "He who endures to the end, shall be saved ...!"

“Me? Why I got right up and walked away, because if sitting around and smelling another man's farts is what's gonna save me, I think I'd rather go to hell. Call me Judas, but that man is plum rotten inside. He's looking for a replacement right now, with me up and quitting and all. If you can stand the smell, go for it, brother! But as for me, you couldn't pay me enough to endure the stench of his rancid farts every single night for the rest of my life, not even thirty pieces of silver, because money ain't everything: A man's gotta breathe fresh air every now and then, sun-god man or not -- and I think not.”

(Written April 14^th, 1987)