Not a word not a sound

not sure what to say or to think it may need cleaned up but tell me what youthink thanks

yelling and screaming

everyone can hear

they listen while he shouts

the see her tear

 

she lays so helpless

people don't see why she would stay

when the fighting doesn't stop

yet they never stand in the way

 

the fights never ending

the pain still aroused

both without understand

the light now doused

 

both walking away

leaving without a sound

to broken hearts remain

no relief has been found

 

time passes still no words of apology

tears to be heard at each end

cries one after the other

not a hand did anyone  lend

 

the pain still remains

the time ticks on

no words are being said

just wishes to be gone

 

the fights never ending

the pain still aroused

both without understanding

the light now doused

 

both walking away

leaving without a sound

to broken hearts remain

no relief has been found

 

two shots are heard

two pronounced dead

a wake up call to others

which nothing they said

 

two lives now over

two stories untold

a fight that could have been ended

if someone had been bold

 

The fights were never ending

The pain was always around

for he was hitting her

and no one made a sound

 

both walked away

for she could not fight

she did the only thing she thought she could

she did what she thought was right

 

She shot him and shot herself

it didn't need to be that way

though people pretended it to be fighting

and nothing did they say

 

Reviews

[The Lone Wolf Prose]

This is still in the early stages. There are some typos you need to check out ( "to" probably should be "two" and "understand" not consistent with "understanding" that you repeated later on). I like where this was going with the story. Very unclear at the beginning though. I think that is just from needing to work it out a bit more. I would caution not to try so hard to rhyme all the time... In some lines it seems forced like you are trying to make it follow the AB form you have put. I would suggest if you want to stick to that form maybe vary it or also break it up with another form. So instead of every stanza being ABAB you have say one "pivotal" stanza that is like the climax : AB CD AB or you know something that makes the story really reach its peak. I look forward to what you do after some more work and suggestions. Keep it up

~LW

[FireFly15]

Another wonderful write. Your emotions are truely the fruit of your inspiration.

100/100

[KatiePie]

This subject is so touchy and it hits home hard for a lot of people, and you handled it with such beauty and grace. If something like this even crossed my mind I'd be screaming and shouting and breaking everything in sight, including peopled faces.
This really showed me that everyone has their own way of expressing and showing their emotions. Great write and thank you for sharing.
-Cathrine

[Emily Quinn]

this poem really hit home for me... thus I found it wonderfully tragic. This kind of thing happens a rediculous amount and it can all be helped by one person who decides to step in. When you are in that predicament it feels as though you have no options, you have no way to escape and the world you live is completely seperate and closed off from the rest who could possibly help. You feel as though you are the only one that can do something yet you're too afraid. Many times this is exactly the result, murder or suicide or both. I did notice a few typos just as the reviewer before me had but a quick touch up should do it.

[Senseless whatever]

Powerful write. Important message here. Yes needs a little cleaning, a few typos here and there but nothing that detracts from the overall piece.

[Livana Lowell]

First of all, I agree with The Lone Wolf Prose because it seems as though you tried too hard to make it rhyme lessening the effectiveness of the diction and the emotion of the story. Though, I'm pretty sure you know no poem needs to rhyme, understand that if you do want it to rhyme, pick your words carefully. Sometimes you sit at a computer, don't feel like opening a dictionary, and let it roll from the top of your head. However, for a piece like this, the word choice is important and leaned upon to make the piece strong and entertaining.

In the first stanza, the ending line was confusing and I didn't understand what you were trying to say. I mean, I know now because I've read it all, but the way the line is going, it doesn't...fit or it's kind of awkward. The other thing is you have things or connotation with what the outsiders who listen "hearing" while at the end it shifted suddenly to somoene "seeing" the situation.

In the second stanza, why say "lay", was she beaten down, or did someone see her lay down, something like that? Otherwise, I don't understand the line too well.

The third stanza's diction is low. The word "aroused" is often connotated with romance. However, that would make the part stronger because everything's such a mess and yet the woman chooses to endure. I don't know. I do know that the word "douse" means extinguish in a soft manner and when you say "light" I know what you mean, but I don't think "light" is the right word.

The fourth stanza is the strongest I believe because it flowed so well and painted a sorrowed picture or image frustration.

The fourth stanza also demonstartes that the piece has been forced to rhyme.

The rest is very strong, portraying the disasters of domestic violence and how people just stay silent for the fear of getting involved. Sad. Very sad, but cowardly actions have consequences too.

My advice is to focus on the diction and this could be an even more beautiful piece.

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

This is a terrifying story. The ending was a bit disturbing, but that is what made is such a powerful piece. I got a chill. You wrote it with a lot of emotion. Nice!