Unearthly Pain

The walls are closing in on me;

the walls of my bloody heart.

My chest aches;

crashing down on my ribs.

The pain is unstoppable,

nor do I wish it to stop.

Let me feel.

 

So captivate me, pain.

Hang on my every word.

Envelop my life,

my body,

my being.

Kiss me with your deathly lips.

Sear through my veins,

arteries,

capillaries.

Tear apart my organs.

Let me feel.

 

Carry my limp body with you to hell;

through the flames.

burn me until I am unrecognizable;

for I am already unrecognizable to me.

Take me away - 

Fill me with your unearthly pain.

And let me feel.

 

 

 

06-24-08

Reviews

[Michael]

I once heard it said "to really live, one must feel pain." You illustrate the point very well indeed. So often I reed free verse that meanders and is more prose than poetry. Think you for sharing one that is poetry in the truest form. It has everything a good poem should, honesty, emotion and really give us something to sink our teeth into.

Great Job!

[Coyote Poetry]

The road trip to hell won't be a lot of fun. You create a powerful tale of a passion that will take you to a poor ending. I like the description of arteries, capillaries being torn a part. You create a wild vision with your poem. A excellent poem.
Coyote

[JR]

Well, that's about as straightforward a poem as you can have, isn't it? You're sure not pulling any punches. I think the whole "pain" thing is a modern concept� The idea that's it's better to hurt than to feel nothing at all. You step back ten years or so and it's the opposite� back then, it was better to be numb than to feel nothing at all. Generational change, I guess. Maybe an evolution in mind. Talk to the philosophers and see what they have to say�

I dig the language, and the fact that you just lay it out there without flowering it up.

"So captivate me pain.
Hang on my every word."

I think that a lot of people have felt that way, a lot of us want to get caught up and revel in the fact that, though we hurt, we're able to absorb the pain and use it. I use it for writing� when I'm feeling content, I have nothing to write about. Maybe that's why I got caught up with this piece� I like to take the pain and channel it so I have something to write about. It's cathartic.

What about taking the "me" out of this piece? If you can make the poem more universal, less specific to you and your situation, I think you'll attract more readers. It will also have the effect of allowing people to put themselves into the poem, which ups the potency and power of the piece. Look at it like this:

"The walls are closing in;
walls of a bloody heart.
chest aches;
crashing down on ribs.
The pain, unstoppable,
I don't wish it to stop.
Let me feel."
I didn't take the "me" out of it entirely because it would ruin the overall effect of the piece, just dialed it down a little to give room for the reader to inject themselves into it. Also, watch using "nor," since there's nothing to connect with it ("nor" connects with "neither," which wasn't present, so the word seems very out of place).

If you take this template and apply it to the entire piece, I think you'll be happy with the result. Don't change the language� the way you attack the theme is awesome and refreshing. Just change the structure a little, and get rid of all the extra words that are taking up space and tripping up the eyeball.
"So captivate me pain."
I think you're personifying pain, giving the feeling personality. In that case, this is a direct request, and the pace isn't quite right. Maybe it should be "So captivate me, pain." You could also capitalize pain� if you want to give "him" a name, allow him to become someone who actually could carry you through the flames of hell. Yeah, I wouldn't either� makes it seem lame and 1800's-ish. A-hem. But I felt I should mention it so you could laugh at the idea.

I feel along with you. That's effective poetry. Keep knocking this one about until you're happy with the way it shines.

[Lucky Me]

S**t man, this was AWESOME. You are a rare breed, so many people run away from situations in which they could possibly feel pain, regardless of the weight that experience may carry, but you.... You would rather feel pain, of the worst kind, then to feel nothing. Very very good write.

[Joseph - Michael]

Yeah, the emotional pains are far the worst feeling of them all. We need some of the mental pains and some of the physcial pains in order to ease the emotion pain, just like the way you've mentioned on asking for some help with that...

Anyway, it's really good and it's very true on how we can be like that, so it's still good tho...