break the silence

Usually I don't write anything this happy .. but I just could not help myself this time :)

dimly lit

is this world around us.

two people.

in the midst of nothing.

a city i have lived in

for all of my life.

but beauty i have not seen

until now,

until you showed me.

 

laughter rings out

into this world of silence.

uncontrollable.

smiles from ear to ear.

those who pass by

think we are intoxicated.

but happiness is what envelopes us.

tripping over our own feet.

walking into things.

tears in our eyes.

 

here we are

in the midst of a world

of imperfection.

finding perfection in that.

we continue to wander,

not wanting to stop.

because happiness is here.

 

back home in an empty, lonesome bed,

i shall lay with wandering eyes

back to that place

with you.

i drift away

with a smile

remembering,

wondering when i can,

again

feel our fingers intertwined.

see that smile deep in your eyes.

 

let us,

again,

walk.

break the silence of this world.

and worry not..

 

.. of anything.

Reviews

[JR]

Man oh man, heh, I wish I could capture a happy moment. Why is it that it's only the darkness that inspires us to write? You have captured the moment very well, and I can put myself in your place, tripping my way, laughing my a*s off in a neon world. Well said.

I would suggest stripping this sucker down to it's bare bones. Dig? Take all those extra words out, make it just bone and sinew. Look at the poem this way:

"dimly lit
this world around us.
two people.
in the midst of nothing.
a city i have lived in
all my life,
beauty i have not seen
until now,
until you showed me."

You don't lose anything, but the flow is improved... your eyes don't have to clump over extra words that confuse the issue, you see? The flow becomes smooooooooth as the imagery and emotion you've poured into it. I don't want to go through the whole poem, just re-read. Anything that can be cut probably should. It's like trimming the fat off of a steak... you'll only be left with the juicy parts.

Watch it when you use words like "shall." It's not modern vernacular, and you run the risk of falling into "false poetic" language, like "thee" and "thine" and the like. It's hard to leave it out... we've all ready plenty of Romantics, and the urge to punch up the "poetry" of the piece makes us all want to go Shakespeare. Avoid it. Fight the urge. Use "will" in this line instead, and I think the sudden switch to archaic language can be avoided.

Overall, this is a very well-wrought poem, and I like the way it makes me feel. I'm drawn into your moment, your night, quite easily, and it's a damn fine place to be.

[Michael]

Hi N-

The way you paint your poem is like like a jig-saw puzzle. Each piece is whole on its own but together paint a wonderful picture. Nice trick. I do have one small suggestion for you to think on, in the lines:

here we are
in the midst of a world
of imperfection.
finding perfection in that.

think about it this way:

here we are
in the midst of a world
of imperfection -
perfect imperfection!

I really love the thought of the lines, and they work well as is. I know how I have it changes the feel some but the suggestion of your intention, rather than a full statement of it will allow the reader to crawl inside and make the poem their own.


All my best,

Michael

[Crazy Cat Man]

its nice to be in love and nice to write about it too....great piece :D

[Lucky Me]

Sounds like you're in love here darling. I like it. I feel caught in your moment. Dead stopped in the middle of chaos. Beautiful. I've been here, happy, infatuated and aware of the uncommon reality that is falling. Good work capturing your reader. You did it.

[Dead Angel]

great write! i love your metaphors and the imagery and flow were even greater. wonder full job on this one, i really enjoyed it! :)

[Sean M. Addams]

very unique piece... great on flow and imagery ... great job on this one .. sometimes change is good :)

[Kaleidoscope Apocalypse]

I like the way that you have portrayed this piece. You've described the feelings going on between the two people quite wonderfully. Nice job!

[Steven Silvey]

Wow-ness. I won't try to force out an acceptable review like in the old days. I'll just say my thoughts.

Of course I loved it. Especially the second part where people think you're intoxicated, but it's just the way that the love makes you feel. Like you're not even in the real world, just living in the moment.

Cool Cool.