Dorm Ruminatiing

Wrote this on the fly, right now, sitting in my dorm. No editing. Real feels.

I'm sitting alone in the dorm room.

Again.

And I know I've got some pretty great close friends but it always seems like

Nobody's home.

Alyssa is away and

Katie is away

and Erin and Lindsey have got lots of work to do

Alice is at her sister's 

and there I can

count my friends with just one hand

Oh goodness

I forgot Callie

well, looks like it's 

two hands.

One finger.

One soul.

I am hurting and I do not know why.

That's a lie.

I do know why.

I guess with him I felt closer than I ever did before to being real.

The problem is for me, that's not much.  That's like a bunt when for others it's a home run.

But I was damn excited about that bunt.

And then when it kind of crumbles

You kind of crumble with it.

Feeling like you'll never truly be accepted

Or appreciated

By anyone besides yourself

And God knows

You don't accept yourself.

This is a hurdle but instead of leaping over it,

I'm standing here perplexed.

I am cognizant that this pain is temporary

But that doesn't mean it smarts any less.

And you ignoring me

Is a much more painful slap

Than the ones you gave me to the face

Am I lacking in self-respect?

I was carefree and easy

And even moderately sleazy

And now I'm just

Desperate

And lowly

And wondering why you didn't want to know me

That's my greatest fear

You got to know me and subsequently

Decided to pass

When will I meet someone who doesn't decide to pass?

Rejection hurts so much more when

You can take my body but

You won't touch my heart

And our brains are on, as a I like to say,

Totally different wavelengths

I'm confused cause

I wouldn't date you and I 

Kind of hate you 

But the fact that you just don't care

Drives me up a f*****g wall

Seth can blow up my phone a million times

And I kind of took pleasure in denying him

And you will never text me again

And I just stare at my phone,

Hoping

I never learn my lesson

I'm way too closed-off

Or

Naively open

Now just kind of broken.

Kind of lost.

I don't know who I am.

I barely know who I want to be

Or what I base that on.

Is depression a part of my identity

Or just a phase?

Is this sadness I hang around my neck

Just an arbitrary weight?

It's something I guess I like to pretend

Makes me deeper than other people

That 'you haven't lived this s**t'

That far-away-look in my eyes

And a stone-cold stare

You'll never know I cared

From here, I don't know where to go

I'm upset

But I don't want to be

I don't even know if this is about you

It might be something else entirely

You were a factor but there's a larger dilemma at work

It's the fact that I've always had self-confidence issues

And when you dropped me

They were being re-confirmed

In high school, you can bet

I never had a boy

I didn't have many friends

I wanted so desperately to feel accepted

I loved laughter and life

But I sat at my desk

Mirthless and shy

So when I came here

And I could make a room laugh

Or turn a boy's a head

Those things were slowly saving me

From my ever-present sense of dread

And when I got you in my sights

The epitome of what

I could never have; but always wanted

Loud, popular, obnoxious and kind of cool

Confident to the moon and back

Falling for you

Was more like a smack

On the ground

I knew you were crazy, and wild

But imagine my surprise

When you called me these things too

Swear to God,

Man,

Heart swelled three sizes

It may be trivial or pointless

But to me it was filling a void

It was confirming the fact that

I could be whoever I wanted

Even if she was loud and proud

In a way she never was in high school

One of the cool kids

Something she had always desperately wanted

But from there I got scared

And instead of wild

You called me shy

And the old self always creeps back in

And you slipped away

Cause in the end

It was just an illusion

I'll never be that girl

That girl I wanted to be

Instead of going out and dancing

I retreated in solace to an art gallery

Nerdy

Not very

Flirtatious

Always convinced she was ugly

That's why you'll catch me looking at my feet

One day maybe I'll crawl out of this shell

But I just pulled it back over my head.

Not good enough.

Not good enough.

Not good enough.

I liked you; sure

Were we right for each other?

Nah

But you stood for something bigger

In this little brain that searches for

Meaning

And thus,

Your disinterest

Stood for something disheartening

We can't change who we are

And I'm afraid I'll never love me. 

Author's Note

Again, wrote this on the fly. What do you think?