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 I want to so bad; I can feel the unbearable sensation burning from within. 

Just ten digits, a ring and an answer followed by the echoes of my voice bouncing off her ear drum. 

 I’m ready prepared myself all weekend long.  I band aid my response to my heart hoping that they would stick by monday. 

I’m as ready as ever, guts bubbling had me glued to the toilet seat. 

I got it, I can do it, words ready to rocket out my voice box. Heart pounding, brawls sweating fingers twitching uneasy cant swallow, mind’s a jungle but I got this. 9..5..4.. hung up hung up June. Oh God I think I got it now, I m done, 

I'm through, hot and cold chills flowing through me like a greyhound.  

“Hello, are you…” dial tone I couldn’t. I couldn’t!”  Oh the embarrassment , the torture, please do not call back..Silence became me and that’s when I saw her lifeless,  flashbacks,  the terrified look stitched on to my mother’s face as she faded into nothing, she dissipated into nothing  and alone. 

Surrounded by the children she birthed and cradled into this world she left it unwed and I was not going to follow her that way. I’m ready now; I've armored myself filled with ammunition of words sharpened up into spires. Legs shaking throat dried like prunes left in Miami’s sun.

 I flicked through text messages filtered with hate, then I ran into some that were sweet “I miss you” I can’t lose You “Copied and pasted words he most likely shared with many women.. f**k that! I am calling; someone has to see these blisters, wounds that in a span of almost a year he created. 

 I was battling myself I was in the trenched strategizing with myself for him.

” I need fi have yuh” his accent melted every inch of me every time unto my soaked panties… how could I give that up. 

The way he would knead me with his fingers, teased me with his tongue but played me with his words.. forget this I’m calling 954.. and some other numbers..  

“Hey, hello… you don’t know me but I am in love with a man whom you know” I am not sure you know this but to him I am his everything his stress relief his cure when all else fails do you know him?.. bull s**t I hung up by the second ring coward out .. what women could take me serious if I was calling her to justify that it was over between them.

I am losing myself I have fallen so deep in that I don’t think that I could ever find myself down this rabbit hole. He treated me with tricks and feed me pills of illusion I'm lost and uncertain if I would like to be found.

 I am as confused as Confucius, riddled as the hatter and far away from true love as possible. 

He has twisted my true reality. He is a gamer with a new toy. On to the next one, while I am saturated in pain immersed in a basin of alcohol which filled my war wounds.

 He relished  in my agony and cared less of the outcome.  I tipped toed around the words that I’ve been eager to say in fear they would be thrown back at me.

I need him but most of all I need him to need me like he once say before.  

I was in love with my abuser I was beautiful in his eyes but my beauty made me a w***e talented however uneducated when we would bicker I was someone he could not live without and in the same sentence useless. 

I was used worn out but also new to him he couldn’t get enough I left him in thirst for me.  

Sexually I could have him on his toes but I wasn’t good enough for him. I was a child when it came to him impressible which made me ignorant mold-able but stubborn he stayed because he loved the challenge but he didn’t love me he could not see me although I stood right in front of him