Out of control (poem)

Okay... this is an attempt at spoken word poetry, hope it's good!

No one's perfect

But this young man, didn't understand that

He was desperate for love and friendship

and wanted to be wanted by others

up to the point where he changed his personality

clothes and made himself into something

he wasn't even comfortable being, just for the sake of others

Everywhere he went, he looked around consciously at himself

to make sure he didn't look like a fool in front of others

and used a mirror every five minutes to check his hair

After talking to others, he replayed every word he said in his head

to make sure he didn't mess up or accidentally hurt someones feelings 

and this is what tore him apart

all these thoughts and feelings... he just couldn't handle them anymore

it got out of his control and out of his reach, and made him weaker and weaker

being perfect was harder than he had ever thought

because, no one is perfect

tears shed down his ballistic eyes, but no one cared to notice

his heavy heart shattered into thousands of pieces

at this point, he didn't even care what people thought about him

he just wanted to disappear, and that was his last and final wish

Reviews

[Priyanshi]

An actual situation portrayed. And it's relatable.
I really loved it.

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you Priyanshi!!

[Priyanshi]

my pleasure

[Zoya]

So very relatable. You're a real acute observer. Very well laid out. Thank you for sharing!

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you so much zoe and no problem :))

[Zoya]

My pleasure!

[Sinbulvinter]

"up to the point where he changed his personality
clothes and made himself into something
he wasn't even comfortable being, just for the sake of others"

- This part right here hit me the hardest, 'cause it's something I've done, and still do, up to this date. Trying to please others is nearly impossible, yet we still try. The line here speaks volumes to that.

This poem is very strong and powerful in showing raw emotion, it really hits me and speaks to me in my current situation in life. It's a sad place to be, wanting to be perfect while knowing it's impossible because no one is perfect.
Great work. Very moving.

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you so much Sinbul! Yeah! I've tried my best to relate to many others who've also experienced something like this, and I'm glad you could relate :)

[Sinbulvinter]

You're welcome. And yeah, it's not a fun thing to relate to or experience, but you portray those emotions very well.

[Sky]

I've no right to make correction but that has never stopped me. I think you presentation and treatment of this is gentle but honest and very clearly put. However, there is a challenge here: to make a story we've heard a thousand times into one worth hearing again; one that is more than a statistic. I would certainly listen to you tell it.

After reading it out loud several times in a number of ways (take my unqualified advice with a grain of salt), I think it is improved by removing all phrases with the word others: "by others", " just for the sake of others", "in front of others", as well as the last line.

The phrase "ballistic eyes" is super sweet.

[Mr.Writer]

I really appreciate the advice given Sky!
Thank you so much :))