Dun dun dun... (Story)

Rain was crashing hard on my face. I couldn't see anything as my eyes were blurred. The eerie sound of owls hooting and

wolves howling made me shudder. It was night, which meant pitch black... I looked behind to find the only source of light, my house, which was being burnt into flames. The fire played in my eyes, rapidly swaying across my house. 

I ran straight to the forest trying to avoid the fire. The sound gradually faded as I got further into the forest. Slowly and creepily, something slithered onto my back. I fell down to the ground in horror and saw violent red eyes peer right at me.

It was a snake. Poisonous or non poisonous, I didn't know. But all I knew now was to get the hell out of this forest. 

But how? When I looked ahead, there were an army of wolves, and behind, an army of snakes.

Reviews

[matrixmark]

I can see what you are trying to do but here are a few pointers.

1. You say its pitch black and the person has blurry vision; also rain was crashing hard onto his face - so with you saying this - how would the person know that there were wolves in front of him or even more so....snakes. also how did a snake slither down his back when he was standing?
What would have been good to add in, is the sounds of slithering snakes and the growling of the wolves. Also show more fear coming from the person, which in turn will add to the tension and make it more realistic.
Also this part of a sentence - 'burnt into flames' - it doesnt make sense, it should read -' 'going up in flames' Again, if you had added descriptions of the flames, thrn it would have added to the realism.

How did the person know there were an army of snakes behind him?

Like i said at the beginning, i can see what you are trying to do and i respect that. The few things i have pointed out are just to try and help you and only for guidance. Writing a story isnt easy, this piece has a lot of legs if you decide to persue, but only you can make that decision.
Also you say in the heading of this piece and in brackets that its a story. How about chaging it to prologue or even ending the piece as a person waking up from a terrible dream.
I do like what you are trying to do though.

Mark.

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you so much Mark for the detailed review and feedback! :)
I kinda rushed through this piece tbh, lol,

[matrixmark]

No worries shaan. Only trying to help.

Mark.

[Mr.Writer]

I really appreciate that Mark :)
You're a really nice guy

[matrixmark]

Thank you for your kind words. I am happy that you can see that i am a nice guy and just trying to help a fellow writer, a lot of people take some of the things i say the wrong way and i am sure get pissed off at me. Its always my intention to try and help and i am glad you have seen it this way. Your words mean a lot and i thank you once again.

Mark.

[Mr.Writer]

I don't know how they take your helpful and kind words the wrong way... I feel like there should be many like you in this world and community, always willing to help and always sincere :)

[matrixmark]

We're all different and some even delete my reviews....oh well. I can but try.
Thank you shaan, your words mean a lot to me..

Mark.

[Mr.Writer]

No problem Mark :)

[Arvad Lazar]

Liked it. I liked the idea more than the words. Also snakes are poisonous if you eat them and you die. They are venomous if they bite you and you die. [doesn't matter by the way, you are dead in both the cases.]

[Mr.Writer]

Lol, thats' true :)
Thank you Arvad! :)

[apennylate]

Who cares if its poisonous...
Snakes are scary... Time to abscond from this place... Chillingly penned...

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you Silente!! :)

[apennylate]

My pleasure...

[pia]

i read this.. i like it!! in my opinion it has a a lot of symbolism in it and not to be taken literally (that's how i read things) the snakes and wolves and everything represent all the frustrations and hardships and obstacles around the person..so i kinda related to it in that way.. i really liked it!!

[Mr.Writer]

That's a nice way to relate actually!
Thank you so much Pia! :)

[B]

I hope to god this wasn't a dream
I loathe snakes , owls , bats and wolves
Creep the living hell out of me

I am sorry you feel this way
I got scared reading it

[Mr.Writer]

Lol thank you so much! :D
Same, I hate all those creatures as well...

[B]

the dreams of them is so creepy
because they come close
you could hear it in your ears
i wake up screaming

[CAPOLAVORO]

Cool. A lot of things are happening at the same time. I like these kinds of stories. I felt like every objects has it's own meaning or I don't know. I felt like the owls have meaning as well as the burning of the house and the snakes and wolves. They just work together perfectly. Well done.

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you so much Capolavoro! :)
I really appreciate it :)

[Aubrey Harrell]

FINISH THE STORY! You are one of the cruelest person I know. you create suspense like that and don't finish it!!!!
It is a great short story.I can image in, but I would love to know what the snakes and wolves might look like. That would be a great touch. Great job though!

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you so much again!! :)
I will try my best to give more imagery and description in my next piece :)

[Aubrey Harrell]

It had that but I just want to see the snakes and the wolves in my mind too because right now in my mind I see some animated green snakes that look childish. Crazy hon? 😂

[Saud Maroof]

"get the hell out" fails to give enough emphasis. When you have specific tempo, a momentum you cannot destroy it like that. i suggest rephrasing that line to a bit more dramatic and polished few words that would be better.

Another sentenced that lacked a little spice was, "I looked behind to find the only source of light, my house which was being burnt into flames." In my opinion this is the most important sentence of this very short story, this is the information that will pull the reader and will force the reader to show empathy. Why? because 20 snakes gathered behind someone's back with a pack of wolves staring at him at one moment probably will never happen to any human. but someone's home gets burnt is a common fear, so for the reader to absorb that line it needs power which would be very easy to do.

By the end of the story i had the sense that it is a dream, Now if you wrote it like that then i would advise you to scratch any part of your story that implicates dialogue, why cause dreams are visual experiences and (may be add the wolves jump at the end or the hissing of snakes to express that you woke up.) The bracket part i am not sure about it.
Thank you for sharing

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you so much Saud!! :)
I really appreciate the detailed review, I kinda rushed on this piece, just felt like writing so wrote what I had in my head, and yeah... :)

[Saud Maroof]

No problem

[Hope]

The narration is good and deep.
The story feels incomplete which must have been your intention:)
I appreciate your style of writing!

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you so much Naat! :)
I really appreciate it :)

[Stacy Purvis]

Oooh...skeery!
What will you do? Sprout wings and fly away???

[Mr.Writer]

Lol ;P
Thank you Anastasia! :P
Whatever comes into your mind... :)

[Stacy Purvis]

Too awesome! 😄😄😄

[Mr.Writer]

Lol yep, :P