Forevermore (poem)

Just you and me, standing on the sea shore

Walking on the sea shore 

Running on the sea shore

Letting the wind take us anywhere

Perhaps California,

Mexico

Or maybe even Heaven

 

Just me and you, dreamily looking at the night sky

Finally I found you as the guy 

We spot a shooting star making the sky sparkle even more

We make a wish to have each other forevermore

I rest my hand on your stiff shoulder, making it softer

You rest your head on my lap, and drown into the sky

You digest your food with my hands, as I feed you

Then, I groan as you leave out of the blue

Sun glasses are bought to defend us from the bright sun

At night, you drag me to the ocean and step by step, drown me into it

Reviews

[Broken Hearts]

I always enjoy reading your pieces because of all the great imagery poured into them. Keep up the good work!

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you! :)
It's really appreciated :)

[CAPOLAVORO]

"Just you and me, standing on the sea shore
Walking on the sea shore
Running on the sea shore
Letting the wind take us anywhere"

- This one got me out of the rhythm. It is up to you but my suggestions is to be not rough with the words you use and be consistent as much as possible.

"Just me and you, dreamily looking at the night sky
Finally I found you as the guy "

-got me out of the rhythm again although I am starting to read more for it.

I do understand this is a free verse but if you intended to put good rhymes in there then consistency is a must. Anyways, your piece is so good when it comes to imagery. I am deeply hoping for more words. That's how good it could be. It is still up to you though. All in all, well done. Keep writing. :)

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you so much!! :) I really appreciate your feedback

[Aubrey Harrell]

INSANE! UNBALIABLE! (think I spelled that wrong XD) CAN'T BELIEVE THAT ANYONE COULD RIGHT SOMETHING...... SO AMAZING! This is amazing, fabulous, it is indescribable. I wish I could write something so heart felt you romantic writer. I wish I could write out something like this. You are truly talented. Can't wait to read more! ;)

[Mr.Writer]

Awee... thank you so much Aubrey!! I really appreciate your review! Thank you!!! :)

[Aubrey Harrell]

Your welcome! I only speak the truth.

[Surya]

haha, it's romantic friend, love rite,....:)

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you so much Surya! :D

[Retro_Wave]

Hey! Mr. Writer! This is so beautiful. I hope you don't mind, but I don't write poems, but I'm trying to get an idea, but I really enjoyed the descriptive language you used. Really powerful.

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you so much Retro! :) No problem, I don't mind at all :)

[wordman]

a beautiful love poem,romantic

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you so much! :)

[wordman]

my pleasure

[Stacy Purvis]

How romantic...I love this. What a nice, surprising piece from you.
Thank you for sharing.

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you so much! :)

[Stacy Purvis]

I have a poem with the same title, but different. I hope you read mine, also. Enjoy!

[Mr.Writer]

I actually just read yours :D Lol

[Stacy Purvis]

I know...lol 😂😂😂

[Mr.Writer]

LOLLLOL XOXO XD

[Tina H.W.]

My favourite poem of yours so far, Mr. Writer. It's so beautiful :)

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you Tina!! :) It's really appreciated

[Tina H.W.]

Mr. Writer reading delightful little poems just like yours is a pleasure! :)

[Mr.Writer]

Awee thanks Tina :)

[Tina H.W.]

Not a problem, sweetie :)

[B]

Oh how romantic and so beautiful
This endless date between two

[Mr.Writer]

Thank you! :) :D