Descending the Piano Savannah

inspired by art.

 

a singing descending staircase?
an abyss above transcendence?

of tranquilizing/agonizing embraces
the emulations in the body of a christ

Who will be my gratuitous ride into slumber?
who will be there to swallow me whole

to pleasure me into ripeness
watching from exotic foxholes

the stares and immaculate glares
the throats of luscious lover's

jarring feats
feral love abounds

savage like the jungle's roaches
abysmulated by syncopated leeches

screeching on different sectors of skin

a piano player hits the keys
he dresses himself up in awkward notes

What will he compose from his stupendous beats?
an answer that croons absurdities?

to bring a nudist descending the staircase
she speaks a colloquial tongue

the laces of strangeness wrap around
her calves and breasts, swooning
her ankles and wrists

as the passion from her hips drips to her lips
she kisses the piano players hands, licking the notes off each finger
a surreptitious rise from the mess of staccato bliss

grandiose and superb
the piano player pound on white
changing pace

as the rhythm of vexating glances turns the shell of emulating divinity
into the sublime and ardently burns into the nudist chest

Author's Note

I think it's a little awkward at some points what do you think?

P.s I made up the word "abysmulated" I've decided it's related to abyss-mutilated
Also, the first two reviews have been taken into account.

Reviews

[A.r. Bazian]

very touching... maybe as the previous reviewers of this poem have mentioned... but i Personally find it very beautiful after all!
and the word choices.... amazing!
such breathtaking visualizations!

i like the poem...
i dont know about you ppl...
but i think this is a good poem!

keep it up...
it erally has good stuff in it!

[Ahmad Alhour]

Nice Job...
Enchanting somehow...
It made me to construct images and visualizations in my head...

Keep up the good stuff...

[OilsandSyntax]

I agree. I love it that you recognize that. But let me tell you, Mr. Marathon, that you make up for it with abscure references and specific images that absolutely capture the emotions present as well as command the attention of your readers. I love your style....your word choice. It's very refreshing to read something that doesn't have the same words as everyone else's writing. When I read that it was inspired by art I knew I would be hooked. Your title is fabulous. What more can I say?....I'm over here singing your praises!!! lol

....."she speaks in colliquial language

the laces of strange language wrap around".....

One of the parts I found awkward was when you used the word "language" several times fairly close together. Try a synonym...diction maybe....or her phrasing wrapped...you're the wordsmith...you'll figure it out.

"to pleasure me into ripeness
watching from exotic foxholes"

I love those two lines. I love the poem. Well done. Keep pruning and refining it. It's sure to be a winner!

[Tim McGovern]

overall it has a psychedelic beat feel to it, and after a while I was picking up some nice images flowing into each other.
The main problem. as I see it, is that there are too many "thesaurus" words thrown in, it's almost over descriptive in places.
Try re-editing and getting rid of some of the unnecessary descriptiveness and see if it reads smoother:

Ex:
exotic foxholes
abysmulated by syncopated leeches ( did you mean assimilated?)
croons the absurdities
surreptitiously
grandiose and superb

The part with the piano player and the woman has a lot of great interplay and creates some very Dali-esque imagery, it's just, As Leopold said to Mozart " Too many notes". for my eye/ ear at least.

These of course are only my thoughts and opinions and as always you must stay true to what your heart and art tell you is right.
There is good stuff here
good luck

Namaste'
Tim