The Cage (A short story)

A short story I wrote one melancholic afternoon due to someone losing a child. I have never written any creative pieces before except in GCSE English class!

The cage which imprisoned him was marble white. The shackles which restrained him were metal grey. As far as he remembered he had always been here. Here, alone, save for the cold steel around his wrists and the fire within him crackling through his limbs and spitting through his skin. His ears thrummed with silence punctured only by a metronomic beep. One, two, three, four. His count haltered as sound was smothered by heat yet again.

His eyes were useless to him, despite being open. His surroundings were as featureless as a desert, sterile, barren, achingly bright, all details lost to the light. The air around him was stagnant and silent, yet he felt it whistling down his throat, scratching his raw skin like sandpaper. One, two, three, breathe. One, two, three, four, breathe. Just out of time with the metronome. Clashing, fighting with it. A constant struggle, eventually they would align again for a moment then fall apart. Perhaps seeking harmony was a pointless endeavour for them, for the closer they got the more discordant they seemed. Like everything else his breath had fallen out of his control, and he no longer had the strength to fight for its rhythm, he was thankful simply for its presence.

Smell and taste had left him a long time ago or rather had been forgotten. What use were senses if they always detected the same thing? The information they conveyed was meaningless. At least the fire waxed and waned, at least the metronome ticked.

Now the throbbing whiteness of his vision was disturbed by flashes of blue. Almost like drones buzzing around him, or the summer sky flashing through an open curtain. The disturbances created in the air tickled his skin, washing over him, dousing the fire. The blues seemed stronger now, brighter, yet cooler than the whiteness that they had replaced. A temporary relief.

His skin prickled, a sharp pain and then fire flooded his body again. The breeze no longer tempered the flames, but rather fanned them as they leapt to consume his senses, to consume him.

As sight fled from him and the beep of the metronome became meaningless all that remained was the fire, soon to burn itself out.

The cage which protected the boy was marble white. The shackles which secured the boy were metal grey. The drones surrounding the boy could not save him. And outside of the cage his captors wept.

Reviews

[JCat]

As always, I deeply apologise if my blunt review offends you. The greatest dishonour I could insult you with would be to lie. However, I do always try to focus on the positive as well as what needs improved. Remember, take on what's useful from my review and throw in the trash what isn't.

Detailed Read Through (If I don't have a lot of time, or the piece is longer than 1000 words, then this part can be not-so-detailed):

Opening line doesn't provide us with a question. Should be slightly more interesting/thought provoking. However, as an overall paragraph, the opening paragraph works well, as we are immediately taken into the scene of someone being captured.

"white marble" instead of "marble white" makes it clear to the material used. However, if you're trying to describe a pure if not slightly grayed shade of white, then use another word apart from marble, because marble hints to the material used.

"metal gray" like what I've said before in the previous comment, but not as serious a blunder. "Here, alone" I don't think the use of "here" then another "here" is particularly impactful. If you can, change the second word.

This is a personal preference, but could some semi-colon's be used in the sentence starting "Here, alone" when it comes the the description of the fire. "fire within him; crackling through his limbs; spitting through his skin"

"a silence that was punctured" seems more specific as to what's exactly happening, compared to the original phrase.

Again, I think you should use some semi-colons with the list starting "desert..."

Beautiful use of rhyme "bring, all the details lost to the light". Don't know if it was intentional or not, but it works.

Very good description "raw skin like sandpaper"