40 Days Inside Myself

I've spent 40 days and 40 nights within my Cancerian shell running experiments in my mind. As cliché as the 40 days and nights sound, it's the f*****g truth. That's just the way it added up when I pulled up a calendar to count off the days since I quit my career of five years. This time has been so good for me but also irresponsible and a bit crazy. I've gotten behind on bills and I had to think of ways to keep my apartment or even going as far as considering moving back to Los Angeles. Or Long Beach; wherever there was work I thought I'd enjoy. I decided to stay in Gladstone because - well it's in the name. Despite the bruises, Ekai Stone has been glad in Gladstone. The Pacific Northwest is gorgeous, I have a view of a golf course, a 3 min walk to the Willamette River. I've grown, I'm glad.

Every human gets to a low point that clams them up. We shut people out and stop doing our extra curricular activities for a spell and just think. I'd like to suggest that we use this time to have thought experiments. Asking ourselves, "What's going to be my next move? What will be the repercussions or rewards? Who can I help along the way and who will help me?" It's that butterfly effect, right? Can a butterfly in the Amazon actually cause a hurricane in Texas by the flap of its wings? It's the best way to envision all the possible outcomes of your big decisions. I also think about it as reality simulations. Having that time is so healthy for people. Some people ignore that process. They don't let loose and give in to what their feelings are saying so their feelings can run their course and pass.

I wrote a poem recently and in the second to last stanza I say:
Heaven is accessible
Mysticism shouldn't be detestable
Demons will always be at your command
Even while angels lead you through the promised land

What I meant here is that the many feelings we feel every moment of the day, are these angels and demons. For example, in my life when something gets me down, I call upon the ethereal to help me through the ebb and flow of my emotions. It's usually negative emotions right? That's how it's perceived at least, even though emotions and concepts of good and bad are all relative. When I get out of my funk I realize that I never needed to get down on myself to begin with because the whole time I've been led by angels to get to this point of happiness. They never left. But the demons if not tamed will consume you. Process the "negative" emotion as it comes through.

Now, I'm not an atheist or satanist or renounce foreign belief systems. I believe they all have a core purpose and I believe it's about achieving higher consciousness before passing on. Increased intelligence. Better tolerance. Positive relationships with people and the environment. Advancement of our race and technology. What the occult does is it removes the film from our eyes so we can have internal epiphanies and get to the next level successfully. Sigils, the Masonic tracing boards and the like, lead your through amazing internal life changing processes. I heard something funny on a TV show a while back, "I can't take these epiphany sweats!". I could sit from sunup to sundown on this big white sheet I lay out on my living room floor. I put pillows everywhere and extra blankets and I just sit there, thinking, writing, reading. I have a small library so I reference those and I also use the World Wide Web to dig deeper on things. I sit there drenched in epiphany sweats.

After 40 days inside myself, I know I'm done hustling at any job that's only benefiting my employers dream. For too long I've sacrificed my own ambitions. For too long I've slaved away and allowed my Soul to wilt as they make a dollar and I make a penny. Think about it, look at your manager or boss right now if you could. Are you OK with delaying your own dreams? When you look at your boss does it make you mad because you're sacrificing pursuing your own ambitions for theirs? When I asked myself those questions and I knew I wanted to give myself honest answers, the answer was no. A loud f*****g NO. I've decided to sell my SUV, keep two months worth of rent in the savings account, live well below my means and write! And damn that feels good to admit. I've told a couple people and it sure as hell feels good saying it out loud.

For 40 days I consulted with my angels and demons and simply put, I have a lot of work to do. There's a couple friends I have to reconcile with and adult finance s**t to deal with but the real work is my life's work. That's what we all need to focus on, our life's work. My "thing" is sharing with the world about my bizzarre life; how I really feel about situations (not the typical super positive Ekai responses but the raw s**t). I'm excited to open up about my beliefs, the abuse by a babysitter, the one gay moment I had with a producer in LA, talking to hundreds of homeless people under the 2nd St tunnel downtown LA. The month I spent living in a storage unit, how I got bamboozled into moving to Maryland, dear friends that turned against me, kids and marriages that broke off friendships. My Mormon background, what it feels like almost dying in the ocean while surfing in a storm, the man with the stroke that didn't have use of his left arm and leg so he asked me to help and pay for it. I want to share the random thank you cards from people. There's so much. I want to share with the world some really amazing people I've met. The artists in my life, the entrepreneurs, the world travelers, the late bloomers and the few souls that took major steps back and lost their spark or even died.

In these stories we find healing, we question truth we grow closer to our loved ones and we're literally set free. That freedom comes from within and we all know it! We see the quotes and hear the motivational s**t but we're really going to get dark and low so our internal light begins to really glow. I'm not talking about red fire because that only burns around 1500°F. I'm not talking about the white fire either, that burns at 2400°. What I want for the world are Souls with a blue flame. Blue flames burn with the most oxygen and they reach around 3000°F. That's what we need. We don't just need to be illuminated like a candle gives us a dancing oval light, we yearn to shine brighter than that and make better connections. And it's also not a competition - ever - to see who emits the most lumens! If your flame is blue, focalized and enriched with oxygen, you're alive and well and a wonderful life is the byproduct of your internal freedom.

It's a process, let's get there together.