The First Encounter

A Chapter by Todd Softee

We meet our hero, discover his philosophy on life, and marvel at his fascinating and Adventure-filled life.

I'll be real with you. I absolutely do not give a s**t about any Pokemon created past Silver and Gold.

Have you seen those things? I'm sorry, but a Pokemon should have some dignity, some class. I should be able to look at a Pokemon and justify his existence, purely by looks alone. Red and Blue, every Pokemon was on point. You could encounter every single one of them and say to yourself, "Oh s**t, that's a badass-looking Pokemon, I need that for my collection", and not, "Who is this dumb looking m**********r? A honeycomb with wings? Evolves into a bigger honeycomb with wings? I'll be doing you a favor by wasting you." Even Farfetch'd had that "it" quality (less so than the other Pokemon on Red and Blue, but "it" quality nonetheless). Don't believe me? Listen to this, and tell me you do not agree:

Take Rattata. The lowliest of the Pokemon on Red and Blue. You use it as fodder to level up your Bulbasaur or whatever you picked at the beginning. When you finally get some Pokeballs, you go out and you capture Rattata, not because the game instructs you to do so, but because you respect him. Sure, he's a tiny mousey guy, but if you see a tiny mouse in your house, you freak out, right? I respect that. He's got tiny fangs, but big enough to do some damage. He looks like he has some fight in him. Then he evolves into Raticate, and he's huge and tough-looking and awesome. He's a big f*****g rat. You see a big f*****g rat in your house, you freak out. Again, respectable.

Now, look at Bidoof, the lowliest Pokemon of Diamond and Pearl. Looks dumb as hell from the get-go. Beady eyes, stupid-looking grin, buck teeth you know are useless, squat like a cat who's been fed too much. Just by looks alone, you know the only thing he's good at is getting his a*s kicked. When you get those first Pokeballs, do you go out and capture your own Bidoof? Hell, no. You go out and continue to kick Bidoof's a*s, partly because you don't want to waste Pokeballs on something worthless, partly because you f*****g hate Bidoof. If, in fact, you were silly enough to catch a Bidoof, you would find that he gets his a*s kicked all the time before evolving into the absolutely ridiculous-looking Bibarel, who is somehow even more dumb-looking, and even better at getting his a*s kicked. Here's a spoiler: that's every Pokemon in Diamond and Pearl. When you finally encounter Geodude, you catch the s**t out of a Geodude, because you know that goddamn Geodude is going to kick a*s, not be the a*s what's getting kicked.

Don't get me wrong, I play Black and White 2 on the regular. I've still got a reputation as the Pokemon master to maintain. However, I'm using my Action Replay, for the sole reason that it makes catching Pokemon from Red and Blue much easier. I refuse to waste my time training little genetic mistakes, the s***s that whatever god created Pokemon took when he cranked out the awesome originals. Some people say that's cheating. How? I'm not leveling up my Pokemon, or altering their stats. Sure, my character has max money, but that's a cheat directed at HIM, not at my Pokemon. If you think that's cheating, then men cheat on their wives all the time by simply speaking to another woman. Same things, idiots.

I work at the Yonder Burger Haus, like, three blocks down from my street. It's a s****y job, but it's a great place to battle Pokemon. People come from all points to duel with me. My boss, Hunter, is pretty cool, and he lets me battle when we're not busy. I have some pretty s****y coworkers, though. Two hillbillies, Chris and Jeff. They both work the fryer, as if you need two people working the f*****g fryer, and they absolutely do not give a s**t about me. They actively try to get me seriously injured on the job. They'll set traps in the kitchen, rig electrical equipment to malfunction while I'm using it, Jeff's even come at me with the lettuce-carving knife with the intention of carving my flash. The worst thing they do, though, is rear that dog. They have this huge f*****g dog that they raise in the alley behind Yonder Burger Haus. I have no idea what breed it it, but it's dangerous. They feed it entire boxes of uncooked beef patties, and it just wolfs it all down. They're apparently training it to attack and maim humans. We had a new hire, Gregor, who they lured out into the alley. When the police arrived, Gregor was covered in cartoonish-looking bite marks, lost over a pint of blood, and politely asking Hunter is he could quit his job. The police chief forbade the entire police force, including the SWAT guys, from entering the alley. Chris and Jeff call the creature "Baddog".

My friend Lord Tenryu and I hang out at the mall a lot, looking for Pokemon battles and digging the chicks that work there. Lord Tenryu's an old friend of mine. His real name is Francis, but he got his new handle from an all-county Pokemon tournament he cleaned house on, and now he refuses to answer to anything but that name. We mostly go to eat Cinnabon and kick a*s. We've kicked the s**t out of so many shitter's Pokemon that it should be illegal. Sometimes, we'll just sit there outside the Gamestop, watching, waiting for some dumbshit kid to come out with a DS, looking for a battle, then just pounce on the f****r, and kick the absolute dog s**t out of the guy. I'm also trying to hook up with a girl who works there. She... well...

Her name is Feather Heather, and she's the prettiest girl I know. Beautiful alabaster skin, jet black hair with electric blue highlights, tattoos on the side of her head and a full sleeve on both arms, never without some kind of "Nightmare Before Christmas" adornment, either a t-shirt, necklace, hoodie, earrings, nosering, baseball cap, beanie, you name it. She's the one for me. We talk all the time. We have so much in common. We both love Pokemon and the Nightmare Before Christmas. Her dad drove a rig before leaving her family, my dad drives a forklift as part of his job at the Safeway. Most of all, we both share a deep-rooted but secret pain that we cannot share... except with each other. We'll often talk about our favorite bands, System of a Down, Paramore, Limp Bizkit, deep stuff like that. I wrote her a song, which I sing to her every time I see her...

"Her name is Feather Heather, she's the prettiest girl I know... Her name is Feather Heather, she's the prettiest girl I know"

I'm trying to learn to play guitar, so I can put a tune to the song, but she loves it right now. I'm also taking classes at the community college to get a degree in video game creation. I figure when I get a job at Nintendo, create the next Pokemon game that brings back the dignity of the series, and everyone buys it, I'll have enough money to marry her and make her happy. That's the dream.

Oh, my name? Just call me... The Pokemon Master.