My Hardrive

The loss that has happened and continues to happen throughout my lifetime is overwhelming to deal with when thought about in a whole. So I have always stayed professional about compartmentalizing things, people and memories. Only scrolling through those files from time to time. Pulling them out one by one, dusting off each one to say hi, smile, tell a story or ask advice from one of my loved ones. It always seemed easier to deal with just a little bit from time to time rather than allowing everything to hit at once and to permanently knock me off my feet. I think the extent of a blow like that would take my breath away forever and I would never regain my footing. Time to time in your life, this method of operating does not work. The timing is off, a blow is already being suffered...something or someone has already got you reeling and then in comes the next hurricane before the last one has dissipated. You are now dealing with an accumulation of grief, regret, sadness and anger. Too many things hitting at one time spells disaster if allowed. These are the days where you feel like throwing your hands up and fighting no more. These days you feel like saying to life...” Go ahead take everything now...you are going to sooner or later just as you have always through my life...so take it all now. You want nothing more than to scream at the top of your lungs, punch, yell, be selfish for a change or strike back so someone, or something feels just a brief bit like you do. So they may find understanding, empathy, sympathy...something.

Then the stark realization hits you that this will never come. No one is capable of understanding your reality but you. No one has walked your path, no one has chosen your same roads, your same life lessons and certainly no one has experienced the drain on your heart and soul from your losses both from death and in life. And at this moment you have never felt as alone. Anger kicks in because you have no control, no choice, no option but to deal with the cards you have been dealt. People take what they want, life takes what it wants, and on and on. The level of selfishness with these things in life and people is immeasurable. The darkness, grief, loneliness and despair seems unending. Too much for someone to deal with! So this “mess of life” is stored in its own lil file and it gets saved and backed up to the hard drive of your life for safety, protection and future access. All those emotions and concerns to be dealt with slowly on stronger, and better days.

So the search begins yet again in my life for my smile, my hope, my wonderful memories, my compassion, my trust, my love and most of all myself as soon as my hard drive finishes backing up...