For E and V.

“The water is so cold.”

Her shrilly yet numbing tone can be heard from where the kitchen was. It wasn’t far away from where the bathroom but he was quite certain she just attracted a few grizzly bears from here and there. The boy who loves the girl inside the shower very deeply stood between the corner of two granite structures, using his elbows to support his straight position. The water was still boiling, and perhaps the good thing about cheap internet finds is that even though there wasn’t a heater, the place was too compact, and that makes the cycle of evaporation an advantage as it hits his pores with stings.

Besides saying it in a soprano voice you should be scared witless of, he can’t help but ponder on the incontestable thought that she also said the line in a helpless, innocent voice. Never does she use that tone on him; only in out of the blue situations. Like this. She was always the person thinking before acting, and he had encountered a ward of girls to say that it’s indeed a rare trait. Except when it comes to taking a trip down memory lane. She’s fond of talking about her childhood; telling him silly stories about Moscow and Germany. It was axiomatic that her answer was limited, it was granted from her body language and the resonance of words slowly fading like tiger’s eyes recoiling in the bushes at dark as she remembers it. She complains again. 

He flicks the gasoline pick to it’s highest flame, therefore making the room more humid as so as the silver metal shrieking with grave snores. Maybe there was a reason why the earth had brought them together. Maybe it has to do with chlorophyll tint, the sun, the half-moon and the balls of gases the naked eye will not for love or money, confront. But they were not just humans, but they live for people to theorise(again, if ever) that love is indeed not just a four letter world. They knew each other like the back of their palms. She thought of him as a beautiful man, depraving her thoughts faster than how cancer cells spread through an individual’s ichor. He thought of her as his weeping swan. Beautiful but sad. Broken yet divine.

Both were sage, wondrous people. They not ever let a certain law slip; that being intelligent comes with a price.

“Baby, here’s the boiled water.” He was supposed to knock although he took the advice of his inner prompting. He didn’t dare knock. He knew she never locked the doors in bathrooms, an issue she had since she was barely four. So he opens the door, and it makes a creaking sound that she had felt her lumbar vertebrae shiver like how the pines are easily trembled. He’s careful on not stepping on the high dividend which separated the water from the dry tiled area. The bathroom was the size of a closet. Just enough space for the toilet seat and a section for the shower, only enough for one person.

This is the crappiest cottage ever, his mind goes on about complaining. She wanted it gravely though, mainly because it’s the only cabin that has a balcony overviewing an unknown fresh lake, with mountains making it feel with such ease that it never was violent, still serene throughout winter glacials. The website clearly stated it wasn’t in good hands, but the moment she saw the words balcony, lake, mountains, it was crystal clear for him that he had no say in it. He would do everything for her, even if she didn’t ask. Even if it would involve staying at cheap cabins and earning himself with a first-degree burn on his index finger. And seeing her face, witnessing a complete change of soma and anima just because of the woods. She loved her in every bit. Every hum she makes, every every unaware movement, every betwixt action between touching and staring.

Despite the fact that it doesn’t seem like it, he loved her so goddamn much. Scratch that. Only she couldn’t see how he was completely and utterly in love with her. She thought of him as love, that’s doubtless. The curious thing was that she can’t just see that he loves her. He’s told her many times, not in a way of a parent correcting his child with a raised voice, but like a random fact in a conversation about poinsettias. Poinsettias only bloom on December, when the night is longer than the day. People get amazed, but the beauty of poinsettias is that they’ve waited all year to blossom, but when they do.. God. He hopes he would be there whenever she feels beautiful. 

He expected she would have gotten the message when she and her best friend went to visit her childhood home. That was the first time they were together that she traveled overseas, and not him. He Googled the timezone difference of Idaho Falls from Kindelbrück and double-checked it twice, his mind not even concerned she would think of him as the protective type, because god f**k, he is. He’s truly affected when it comes to her health, and by knowing what time to call her he wouldn’t ruin her sleep. He called her everyday. Each morning to know her itinerary, her voice was even better than therapy. It soothes his muscles, his bones, his neurone that turn inclement every so often. She still didn’t get it.

Reviews

[Arly Parent]

"Her shrilly yet numbing tone" -> "Her shrill yet numbing tone" --small grammatical change

"It wasn't far away from where the bathroom..." --extra where

"The boy who loves the girl inside the shower very deeply stood between..."-There's a slight flow issue here for me. The way it reads doesn't seem quite right.

The first paragraph, for me, is a little too disjointed. It hasn't set its style down concretely if that makes sense. I think it needs to be longer and the descriptions have to be more connected. First, you have to be a bit more careful with your tense in different parts ie "can be heard" and "wasn't far away". It can slightly pull you out without you noticing it. It doesn't all have to be one tense but that change has to be used carefully. Using "could" instead of "can" in certain instances could help smooth it all out, maybe.

The transition from the descriptions of the people to other things such as the home or environment also needs some looking at. For example, the jump from "The boy who loves the girl inside...his straight position" to "The water...cheap internet find..." is much too abrupt, even with the "granite structure" reference in the previous sentence. You have to ease into it more. You have to flesh everything and everyone out more before the reader can understand anything about what a "cycle of evaporation" means or why they relate to this guy and/or his pain.

My critiques go along these same lines throughout. The way the sentences connect to one another is the first thing. You use very direct statements a great deal and begin with "He..." consecutively a little too often or too close together. Start with some gerunds more often. It feels less like someone telling you something and more like a general truth about this world becoming evident. "It was warm." --> "Being a warm place, it..." Don't have two "but"s in the same sentence separated by only a comma. Punctuation is also important. You're going to need more semi-colons and some specific & deliberate comma placements in order for the way I'm starting to see you want the book to go to work.

But the word usage is the main issue. It's too much most times and the meaning gets lost completely in the vocabulary.

"They knew each other like the back of their palms. She thought of him as a beautiful man, depraving her thoughts faster than how cancer cells spread through an individual’s ichor." --"Though She thought of him" could be reduced to "For her, he...", it's in saying things such as "depraving her thoughts faster than how cancer cells spread through an individual’s ichor" that I find fault. What does this line mean? The connotation of ichor isn't a good one, generally, and it doesn't really fit here very well. There are many many lines that have that issue. The connotations aren't taken into account.

Using "not ever" instead of "never,
"She wanted it gravely though" --gravely?
Using "lumbar vertebrae" and "neurone" in a story whose tone isn't so clinical.
It goes on in that same way.
By the end of it, I don't know these characters. I've gotten piecemeal bits of information bogged down by cumbersome vocab.

The smaller issues that every new story has--dialogue, pacing, etc.--are there but the biggest barrier is what I said before. There's too much vocab and not enough full understanding of where they need to be placed and why. I know these people are supposed to be intelligent but putting more specialized, technical, etc words in the story doesn't show that. To show their intelligence, such words have to be used sparingly and used because they are the exact right ones for the situation--connotation and all. That's the key. Otherwise it reads more like what one would IMAGINE smart people would say (if smart people were this other, unrelatable group of people). It doesn't feel natural and the reader can sorta tell. The natures of these characters and this world do not come off as self-evident but rather colored through someone who's trying to explain it. You want the narrator to not be noticeable.

There's potential here but I think you'll really have to strip this down and get to the core of what you want to say and how you want to say it. Too much advanced vocabulary can do the opposite of what you want. You just have to strike that balance. A little can really go a long way.

Sorry for the monstrously long wall of text.

[Dai Hanshou]

There were a loooot of mistakes as pointed out by others, but not only that, you switched tenses as well. 'She wasn't', 'He is'. So yeh.

[Lauren Peters]

When the story begins, I'm not sure where these too people are. I have a feeling that they are in the wilderness because of the grizzly bear statement. Try to give us some idea of where they are right off the bat, or it just feels like the characters are floating in space.

Another thing I noticed is wordiness. I found myself tripping up on some of the descriptors. Here is just idea of how to cut words and make the story clearer.
"Her shrill tone can be heard from the kitchen; it wasn't far from the bathroom, but he was certain she had attracted a few grizzly bears."
"Although her voice was shrill, he couldn't help but notice the helpless innocence in her voice."

There is a lot of telling in this story, and it should be shown instead. Example: "He would do everything for her." Instead of stating that, show instances where he does things for her. Let the readers come to the conclusion that he would do anything for him. A story is about adventure for the reader--try not to take it away from them by telling them discoveries.

We also don't seem to really get to know these characters. Right now, nothing is really moving the story forward. This seems more like a snapshot, a scene rather than a full story. Now, I'm not saying the story needs closure, but it does need more. I find that the rules of nonfiction apply to fiction as well. What should the reader be taking away from this piece? Why should the reader care about this story?

Just a few things to think about. Good luck and let me know if you have any questions.

[Addie Santos]

1. I think grizzly bears fit the mountains, don't you think?
2. Lol. I didn't plan for "helpless innocence" as you saw. I wanted something grave for him, that levels a shot of heroine when she said the words "the water is cold." I wanted something out of the blue. The story obviously states that the girl, 'V' is not like any other girls. Sadly, we're alike.
3. Okay, here's the thing. As you can see, the title is "For E and V." I didn't intend to post this story here. This was meant to be read for private criticism by 'V', my best friend. 'E' is her renowned lover. The little things placed there like the grizzly bears statement; they were her favourite animals and the places like Kindelbrück were her childhood homes. The first reader of this story appreciated this and brought(I hope to God it did) a little faith on her 'E'.

[Lauren Peters]

Sorry, was just trying to help you build your story. A lot of things were unclear. Now that I know it wasn't supposed to be for the public...that makes sense.

[Addie Santos]

Yeap. I appreciate the criticism though. I'm trying to write a novel but somehow I just have lots of ideas and I seem to get stuck and abandon them all.

[Lauren Peters]

I'm the same way. I often find I skip from project to project. My best advice? Write any and all ideas down then see if they can be worked into one project. If so, then it pushes you to work on just one because that is where the ideas are being used. Not sure if that is helpful or not.

[Addie Santos]

Thanks. I'll keep that in mind.

[Coyote Poetry]

I enjoyed the story. It had a sad tone to the story but I like the desire to show his love and concern. I like the way you ended the story.
"He called her everyday. Each morning to know her itinerary, her voice was even better than therapy."
Thank you for sharing the excellent story.
Coyote

[Addie Santos]

Everything I write is sad. Thank you.