Lilly Fire

A girl dealing with her Depression and Anxiety.

 

                The girl sat on her bed trying to keep her crying as low as possible. She didn’t want her father, the only other person home at the time, to hear her. The girl, let’s just name her Lilly Fire, was crying for many reasons. One of those reasons being she had no idea what she wanted to do with her life. I mean does anybody at age 16. No probably not, but it stressed Lilly out more than most people because she felt like she wasn’t good at anything. She had average grades in school. She wasn’t interested in any specific courses, which made choosing courses for her last year in high school quite difficult. Lilly was not in any way athletic. She hated sports, and had terrible aim and never kicked the ball in the right direction. Lilly was a very creative person, she just had no way of expressing her ideas. She cannot draw or do any kind of art. She cannot sing or dance or act. In fact she can barely stand in front of a small group to talk about a current event happening in the world.

            To add on to all that, there are other factors which end with Lilly in tears. Lilly is a bit chubbier that most girls her age and very unfit. Just going up the stairs at school leave her winded. She is this little shy, quiet girl, who everyone says looks like she is 12. At least that’s what everybody thinks. That she is 12. Nobody would think she has any reasons to be sad. Why the confident little girl who is always smiling and laughing, have problems and would be crying at 3 in the morning, right? Well what if I were to tell you is all just a show. If anybody actually took the time to look at her and try to get to know her deep down, under the show, maybe people would know. But they don’t, and that is reality.

            If anyone really got to know Lilly Fire, they would see that she has problems just like everybody else. That she struggles just like everyone else. They would see the girl who doesn’t tell anyone about her depression and severe social anxiety because she doesn’t want to burden anyone with her problems. Even though she is dying to talk to somebody, for anybody to listen. Lilly doesn’t want to bring it up, ever, she is afraid everyone will think she is just trying to get attention.  She feels like she would be overshadowing all her friends’ problems. Lilly thinks that her friend’s problems are more important than her own. As long as she is trying to make them happy, she will not burden them with her own.

 What nobody seems to realize is that when Lilly feels this way, she is isolating herself from the rest of the world? Then she feels all alone, with nobody to talk to. She then falls deeper and deeper in her depression. Thinking that nobody likes her. Lilly will still go to school, and put on a smile. She covers up her sadness with over obsessing with t.v shows and books. She just wants to talk about something that she can relate to with her friends. She just wants her friends to stop talking about the great time they all had when they all hung out together over the weekend, while she was sitting at home trying to distract herself from her thoughts.

            It doesn’t help when her family and teachers are just telling her to get over her shyness and to speak louder. They don’t know that is more than a quiet voice and shyness that she needs to get over. In fact there isn’t anything to ‘get over’ because you don’t just get over anxiety and depression, you learn to live with it, and to not let it run your life. On the topic of family, Lilly’s family doesn’t really talk about serious things. They mostly talk about school and how Lily’s grade are doing. They talk about what to have for dinner. Most of all they talk about all the things they need to do and what they need to buy. That then leads to her mother complaining about having no money, which stresses everybody else out. But Lilly’s family doesn’t talk about problems, especially if it means money might be involved with prescriptions and doctor visits. Even if Lilly did get the guts to tell her parents, they would probably shake it off as a phase or something that will go away on its own.

            If you ever asked anybody in school if they knew who Lilly was, they probably wouldn’t know. Actually the other day Lilly was in Chemistry class and the teacher called out who would be partners with who for the lab we were doing. Lilly’s partner had no idea who she was, but she didn’t blame him he was an exchange student. Anyways her partner went around the class asking if they knew who she was, this is the part that she pretended didn’t bother or hurt her, people who she has been in many classes with her for many years didn’t know who she was. In fact one person who was actually in 3 out 4 of my classes said, “I don’t think there is anybody named Lilly in this class.” Eventually my old neighbor pointed me out to him. Lilly will probably never say anything about how when nobody asked her to be partners when the class could choose, that nobody asked her, nobody even looked at her. She will probably never explain to anybody how hurt and invisible she felt. She thinks no one will understand.

            If you ever saw Lilly around school, you would notice she always has a book with her, even though she has no time to read. One reason being that she never knew when she would get time, but the main reason being she found comfort in them. Just holding them. Looking at them. There were reasons she always has a book with her, but there is also reasons to why she grew so attached to reading in the first place. At first they offered her magical escapes into fantasy lands and stories which compensated for her boring life. Now she reads to get transported to a time and place where she can forget about her problems and stress for a bit. Where nothing matters but the storyline, plot and the characters. Even if it’s just for a bit, she can escape.

             

            It is all those events that eventually led Lilly to tears that one night. Still nothing has changed. If anything, things will only get worse. She had no knight in shining armor. Nobody is going to show up declaring how much they love her, just the way she was now. Her friends and family are not going to walk through those doors, bringing cake, to comfort and support her. In the end she feels just as alone as she has always felt. She doesn’t get to move away and get a fresh start, or end up with new friends who she is really close to. All she can do is hope that the people she loves will understand, support her, and give her time. All that’s left to do is heal, and wait for things to get better.