7

7

Karkat woke up that morning groggy and pissed off, just like every morning. He could faintly hear his mother in the kitchen talking loudly into her cell phone.

Is that thing f*****g glued to her ear? he thought, getting out of bed and scraping up his favorite gray jeans and dark red sweatshirt from the floor. He pulled a white T-shirt from one of his drawers and went to his bathroom to take a quick shower. Once he was done and dressed, teeth brushed and flossed, he could still hear his mother on her cell phone, yelling at her assistant about some paperwork he didn't do. Karkat sighed angrily and went back in his room, grabbing his cell phone and his iPod. He walked to the kitchen, staring at his mother. She was dressed for work this morning, leaning against the refrigerator with a coffee cup in one hand and her cell phone in the other, holding it against her ear as she chewed out her assistant.

Notice me, he thought. Glance at me. Just know I’m here. Do SOMETHING. She turned around, dumped her coffee in the sink, and grabbed her car keys. She abruptly turned, walking past Karkat while completely ignoring him and leaving the apartment. Karkat began trembling. He shoved his earbuds in his ears, turned the volume on full blast, and walked out of his apartment to school, deaf to the world.

 

“Hello, Karkat,” Keevan said to him in Homeroom as usual. Karkat again couldn't say anything. He just walked to his seat and sat down, pulling his hood over his head. He turned off his iPod as Mr. Hussie walked to the front of the room, announcing it was an academic travel day, meaning you could go to any teacher’s room if you need help in that class. Karkat really needed to go to his Geometry room to turn in some homework, but he didn’t. He just stayed put and took out his Geometry text book, staring blankly at the homework he had yet to finish that had been due the previous week.

He looked up after a few minutes to see that more than half the classroom had emptied. Mr. Hussie was at his desk on his computer and there were small clumps of students milling around and chatting in various parts of the room. Keevan was sitting alone in her seat. Her friend Cari had gone to another classroom.

Keevan turned around and glanced at Karkat. She caught him staring at her. Again. Cheeks and ears burning, he looked back down at his assignment, chewing on his pencil.

Don’t come over here. Don’t come over here. Don’t f*****g come over here! Karkat screamed in his head, sinking lower in his seat. He started scribbling on his paper to make it look like he was really busy working. He started to relax after a while and began to erase his paper. He glanced up and almost threw his pencil in surprise, his heart pounding. Keevan was sitting in the seat in front of him, her arms crossed on the back of the seat. She was looking over his scribbles.

“How are you, Karkat?” she asked, smiling at him. He wanted to answer. He wanted to answer so f*****g badly. His face and ears were burning. He muttered “fine” and lowered his head, continuing to erase his scribbles.

“Are you going to be at the library after school today again?” Keevan asked him. “I can help you with your homework, if you’d like. My shift isn’t very long tonight. We can walk there together and home if you want.” Karkat bit hard on his lip and had a death grip on his pencil. Is she serious? Is she SERIOUS? His heart was pounding so fast he thought it was going to burst out of his chest.

“If you’re uncomfortable with the idea, we can just forget about it,” Keevan said quickly, noticing his expression. “I'm sorry.”

You idiot! Why didn’t you f*****g say anything?! Karkat thought. Keevan stood and was going to go back to her desk when Karkat looked at her and said, “I’m not uncomfortable with it. I’ll just...meet you at the library.”

Keevan smiled warmly at him. “Okay, great! I’ll see you there, Karkat.” She turned and walked to her desk and picked up her book bag as soon as the bell rang.

 

Karkat couldn’t focus through his first three classes"Geometry, chemistry, and English"because of what he had done. He had finally spoken to her. A full sentence. A full-a*s f*****g sentence. His heart pounded every time he thought about her.

After third hour, he sat alone as usual at lunch, sitting against the wall next to the restrooms. He stared at his sandwich and apple, too apprehensive about after school to eat. He looked to the right and saw some students in the music hallway. He remembered when he used to be in band class. He had liked it, and he liked the music they played. He was the only male French horn in the entire band, but he didn’t care. He had to quit, though, because his mother wouldn’t pay for his French horn. It was a school-owned instrument. He didn’t have enough money to pay for it himself, so he had to quit.

Karkat scowled and stared back at his tray. He didn’t have an appetite. He looked up and saw a familiar girl, Cari, sitting alone at a lunch table near him. She only had a string cheese stick in front of her and a book next to it. She was looking over a piece of paper and holding a pencil. He was guessing Keevan was her only friend because he never saw her around anyone but Keevan.

Cari suddenly looked up from her paper as Jack walked up to her table. Karkat was close enough to hear the conversation.

“Caritatis,” Jack said, adjusting the sunglasses on his head. “Any idea where my babe is?”

“She-she’s in her chemistry class,” Cari said timidly, not making eye contact with Jack. Karkat could tell that Cari didn’t like him.

“Hey, where are all of your friends?” Jack asked with sarcastic sympathy.

“Leave me alone, a*****e,” Cari said, getting angry.

“Make me, you little s**t,” Jack taunted, grinning. He snatched the paper from Cari’s hands and tore it down the middle. Cari looked like she was going to cry.

“That was what I drew for Keevan,” Cari said quietly, looking like she was about to cry. “It was her birthday present...”

“What a shame that you didn’t give it to her in time,” Jack sneered. “What a friend you are.” He crumpled up the paper and threw it at her. It bounced off of her forehead and landed back on the table.

Cari stood up and glared at him, tears welling in her eyes. “You’re a horrible person,” she spat. “Keevan deserves so much better than scum like you. You’re just a f*****g jerk.”

“You must be the only one who thinks that if she still says she loves me,” Jack said, grinning. “She even accepted the promise ring I gave her.”

“She thinks she can change you,” Cari said, getting angrier.

“She ain’t changin’ nothing,” Jack snickered. “She’ll realize eventually that she likes who I am and how she’s treated. Hell, it’s all she knows.”

“What do you mean?!” Cari snapped. “She has a wonderful family and fantastic friends!”

“But I’m her first boyfriend,” he replied. “I’m sure she’ll find out eventually that no matter how dedicated she is, the b***h isn’t goin’ to change anyone.”

“I wish Keevan would realize the real you, you b*****d!” Cari cried, picking up her book. She turned and ran away, toward Karkat, and into the ladies room. Karkat kept his head down and picked at the bread of his sandwich. He looked up at Jack and saw him grin and walk away. Karkat cussed under his breath, clenching his jaw and his fists. He f*****g hated that guy.

 

Karkat sat in his usual spot in the library, staring at his Geometry textbook. He decided not to listen to his iPod as he waited for Keevan. It was almost dead, anyway.

The library was busier than usual. There were college and middle school students milling around looking for various books on school projects. Keevan was helping a boy in small stature reach a book he needed on the civil war. He was staring at her as she reached for it and blushed when she handed it to him with a smile on her face.

“Here you go, hun,” she said as she handed him the book. “Let me know if you need any help, okay?” He nodded quickly and awkwardly ran away to go check it out. Karkat felt his cheeks get warm again when she caught him looking at her once again. She waved at him and was going to walk over when a girl around their age walked up to her and asked her something. Keevan smiled at her and nodded, motioning for her to follow her so she could find what she was looking for.

Karkat looked back at his assignment and stared at it. He was still on the first problem: finding the area of composite solids. He hated Geometry. He could do the work, but he just didn't do his assignments. He was already failing the class a second time.

With his iPod blasting in his ears, he continued to work until the library was almost empty. It had only been twenty minutes since Keevan had gone to help that girl. Karkat had closed his eyes a minute just to open them and see Keevan sitting next to him, examining his homework. He took out his earbuds and turned off his iPod.

“You were a decimal off on your answer,” she said, “but other than that, you did everything right on this last one. Good job.” She smiled and handed him back his assignment. The library seemed almost deserted except for a few high school students still studying. The sunset was filtering in through the windows.

Karkat didn’t know what to say to her. He couldn’t think of anything to say.

“You’re doing really well on your homework,” Keevan said, “so I’m guessing that you’re taking this class again because you didn’t do your homework?” Karkat felt embarrassed that she had figured it out like that. He nodded and closed his textbook, his assignment in between the pages.

“I…didn’t do my homework because I felt like I knew the material,” Karkat admitted. “I did well on the tests, but not turning in all that homework failed me. That’s what's happening this year, too.”

“That’s not good,” Keevan said after a moment. “You need to get out of that habit. Here"” She took his hand and took a Sharpie marker out of her pocket. She wrote her home address and her cell phone number.

“If you ever need help or anything,” she said, “I’m always free. Come by or call me anytime. Okay?”

“Why are you being nice to me?” Karkat asked without meaning to.

“Well, I don’t have a reason to be mean to you or dislike you,” she replied, capping the Sharpie, “and I personally think everyone needs at least one person they can talk to about things.”

“But why me?” Karkat asked, examining his hand.

“Because I can tell you want to be my friend,” Keevan said, blushing a bit. Karkat blushed redder and looked away, feeling more embarrassed.

“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” Keevan insisted. “I know I can be a little pushy sometimes, and I apologize. I just…I don’t like to see others sad with no one to talk to.” Karkat glanced at her from the corner of his eye and suddenly felt angry.

“Thanks,” he began, “but I don’t need your f*****g pity or sympathy.”

“K-Karkat"” Keevan said, caught off guard by his foul language. “P-Please don’t say vulgar words like that around me. I...I hate it.”

“I don’t give a damn,” Karkat said, putting his text book back in his backpack without looking at her. “I don’t need a f*****g babysitter, and I certainly don’t need a damn friend.” He stood up and paused, realizing what he had done. He was ashamed of himself.

“I...I’m sorry,” Karkat whispered.

“Karkat...”

Before anything else could be said, Karkat walked quickly to the front doors of the library and ran home as fast as he could, not looking behind him. He couldn’t bear to see the harm he had inflicted upon her with his words.

He hated himself for saying those things to her.

 

Karkat trudged up the stairs to his apartment, his chest heaving violently from running. He was so angry at himself for saying those things to Keevan. She just wanted to be his friend, and he had wanted to at least have a conversation with her for so long. He blew it up with just three sentences. He wrecked his chances with Keevan Khan.

Karkat punched his apartment door once he reached it and hit his forehead against it, clenching and unclenching his jaw. He really needed to talk to someone. What he told her was a lie. He needed a friend.

Karkat sighed and opened the door, prepared to walk into an empty home, but his mother was there, still chatting on her cell phone, wearing different clothes than what she wore earlier that day.

Notice me, he thought, standing in the open doorway. Notice that I’m upset. Notice that your son wants his mother. Karkat dropped his backpack by the door and slowly walked over to his mother. She was yelling at her assistant again.

“Mom,” Karkat said, stopping a few feet away from her. She turned from him and continued her conversation.

“Mom,” Karkat said louder, starting to get even angrier. “Mom, I need to talk to you. Mom!” Still, she ignored him.

Karkat had finally had enough.

“F*****g listen to me, goddammit!” he screamed. He wrenched the phone from her hand and threw it at the wall. It dented and cracked the place where it hit and fell to the floor, the battery on the ground and the screen cracked.

Karkat took deep breaths and glared at his mother. She glared back at him.

“What the F**K, kid?!” she screamed at him.

“I wanted to talk to you!” Karkat screamed back. “You never listen to me! You don’t talk to me! You don’t f*****g care about me!”

“Don’t talk to me like that!” she snapped. “I need that phone for my job! That was an important call, you little s**t!”

“All you care about is work! What about me, huh?! What about your son?!”

She hit him, her long nails dragging across his cheek. His cheek stung and began to turn bright red.

“F**k you!” Karkat shouted, turning from her. He ran out of the apartment, head down. He didn’t look back.

 

Karkat stood beneath a street light, catching his breath. He wiped his eyes, angry with himself that he had started crying.

He knew who he had to talk to. He looked at the back of his right hand and started running, determined to find her address.

He needed to talk to Keevan.