Apology.

If I had a dime for every time

I wish I hadn’t broken you,

I could fill this mattress

And a hundred thousand chests

And I miss you,

‘Cause I haven’t been breathing

Without you around,

And I remember your voice

And your face but

A kiss of disdain has

Since faded away.

I’m not supposed to want this

And I don’t know

What I want anymore,

‘Cause my world is upside down

With panic attacks and tic tac toe

Resulting in less highs than lows;

I’m tired of living

‘Cause life ain’t the same.

Do you remember me,

Can you think of my name?

You hate me, hell I know,

I hate me too,

For my faults and my fragments,

But mostly ‘cause what I did to you.

And I’ve never been capable

Of being a great girl,

But I still try and I fail,

And I feel cold, I feel numb:

Mascara cries in the a.m. at five

And that day that I die

Might be coming.

Only four hours under your touch

And you were the one who

Needed me so much,

But I just didn’t see,

Or maybe I couldn’t believe.

God only knows what you’re thinking,

And as much as I can’t stand it,

I love it: your wit,

Wishing I could bury my face

In a bag made of plastic,

You want to live now

And I want to die,

I’m never surprising but

My chest keeps falling and rising,

Again and again,

I’m chasing the tail end

And what’s around the next bend

Can’t possibly be as bad as what

The last one turned out to be,

Turn to me, call me,

Something to let me know

You’re still the same,

Tell me my sin hasn’t

Tainted your smile

While you walk away,

I won’t mind if you

Leave me behind,

And have you let go?

I hope so,

‘Cause I’m not worth holding onto,

No cause or culture to belong to,

I drift along like bark in the river,

Trying to cross over,

Getting nowhere,

I’m not sleeping well

‘Cause you slept here,

I’m not feeling well

‘Cause you felt here,

And I’m sorry,

I’ll do anything,

But that’s not much

Of a promise and

I’m not much of a liar

Except when I’m telling the truth,

And I’m no soothsayer but

I’m still aware of the marsh hare

And your hair and I’m ashamed

Of myself and what I’ve become

So all I can do is apologize

And hope you find Love.