Wallpaper Stupefaction

i'm reading the wallpaper like
there's a chance it might tell me something

like
the straight-stripe pattern will somehow rearrange itself
into knots
square knots because they're simple
but still make me squirm

like
that fish whose fins i accidentally ripped
trying to save him
from my brother's hook
i don't go fishing anymore

i just
curl up against the dusty baseboards
the choppy breath out my nose rising fluffy motes
that
obscure my vision
until i see stars
instead of cracks in the ceiling

i see waves
like when i threw that fish back in
ripples
the soft plunk as he hit the bottom unable to swim
his eyes wide and unblinking
you seem so sure that fish
feel no
pain

but i do
i felt that fish up under my ribcage
picking at my bones
leaving fingerprints of grape jelly
three years old in front of the refrigerator
sandwich abandoned on the floor
i ate it for six years in strict
routine
never break--

ing

this is routine
this is just a test
i curl up tighter to hyperventilate
pressing my lips together
not calm
i'm damn calm
as calm as that fish as he realized he couldn't swim

now
he's swimming in the cracks on my ceiling
i think the attic might crash down
from the weight of the ocean
and his glossy sunny-fins
will brush the tears out from under
my suctioned together eyelids
taking the pain
into a painless
body

i
i
believe you now
your words
have ripped a new gash in my soul
here
have my pincushion heart
plastered against the wallpaper

Reviews

[Carey Lenehan]

What a glorious and randomly organised almalgamation of two moments in time. Loved the layout and the way you broke breaking for emphasis. Quality write by a poet of admirable talent. Will look for more. XXC