honestly

how can you get rid of something you never truly lost?

how can you stop something if it's what you were told you really want?

i feel it coming on.

i've seen it for a long time,

approaching slowly from the horizon.

always effervescing quickly inside me.

i didn't choose it but it became real.

i can even cry.

but i'd lie if i said i don't like the way it feels,

sometimes.

they never suspect and they never know,

and i could quite literally take it to the grave.

it's the one thing from which i'm sure i can't be saved.

i'm an actor and a liar, and i can pretend to myself i don't need it,

but only for so long.  

i question myself where i went wrong.

but i don't need you to blame me for what is not my choice.

nobody has ever cared or understood.

'cause you only know if you've been there.

and i would not wish it upon anybody in the world.

i am sick

and i can't understand

why i'm supposed to consume calories

or be afraid to die.

but also

is that a lie?

because sometimes i really do.

but there's no way to get through.

hey, which do you think is worse?

the stomach's pain or the mind's pain?

tell me, honestly.

i am

inquisitive.

and i believe

in you.