Nina on the Borderline

Not again, not again, how do I stop thinking about you?  You're f*****g ruining me!  I did not ask to love you!  Do you know how long it's been?  A year, a f*****g year.  And every day I have to deal with the fact that you're incapable of loving me as more than just your friend, I'm not even your favourite friend, while I put you first, you're the best friend I've ever had.  I've tried to give you everything!  I hated it every time you ignored me, you left me alone when I had no one else.  You won't tell me what's wrong and you won't let me help you, and that breaks my heart.  Friends are supposed to tell each other things!  I know you're in love with a boy...you're so young, do you even know what love is?  When I was your age, I didn't.  I'd never been in love with somebody before you.  I kid myself that I'm content being friends.  But really, I can't handle any of this.  And I hate when you call me cute.  Because you said it meant, "a charming and beautiful person".  You won't even let me call you nice things.  You think I'm pretty, but I guess that counts for nothing.  You think you're ugly, but you're the most beautiful f*****g thing I've ever seen in my life.  I say "see" instead of "know", because I found out I don't know you at all, you're good at pretending to be happy.  When you called me perfect, you were just trying to cheer me up.  When I called you perfect, I meant it.  I can't live with you, see your picture, talk to you, because it makes me sad, and I hate pretending.  I can't live without you, because I'm nothing without you, I'm meaningless without you.  I think I found my purpose in life:  to be your friend and take care of you.  You always said we would meet, but maybe that was to comfort me.  Still, I dream of us being together, if only as friends.  It's one of the only things I have to hold on to.  What if I don't stop loving you.  I don't want to love anyone else.  But what if I still love you years later?  What if you got married or something, and I got suicidal again?  You don't know about that time, it was before we met....Sometimes I think we shouldn't be friends anymore.  But I NEED you.  I made you promise you'd never leave me, and you promised.  I feel like Catherine, when she says, "I am Heathcliff!"  I am Lily!  Marina said, "Just tell her!", but I'll never tell you.  It would change everything.  Maybe you would leave me.  Someone tell me how to fall out of love.  Cupid, you aimed at the wrong b***h.