Sid's Law

Have you ever wondered who is responsible for the mysterious little "accidents" in life?

Have you ever wondered who makes up the latest jokes? Or have you ever asked yourself where the latest slogans come from, or who invents the next weird fashions? These strange phenomenon, which we all loyally follow and use without question, seem to come at us at regular intervals yet, the sources are always anonymous.

Consider other areas of life where mysterious things happen to us everyday. Take driving - most people who drive have had an accident at some time. But the strange thing is, whenever you talk to someone who has been in a car accident, they assure you that it wasn't their fault but, that it was the other driver. I have never met a driver who said that they were to blame. But how can that be? If none of us were responsible for those many accidents, who was? The other person? But that would be one of us, wouldn't it?

Consider fashion. Over the years hair has been long, short, shaved, bleached, dangling in our faces so that we couldn't see, or cut in half, making us look like we were run over by a lawnmower. Who decides how we wear our hair? In this world of inhibition and compliance who has the guts and cheek to start these crazes? And what of the absurd clothes we are compelled to wear, for fear of standing out as different? (even though we all claim to want to be different!) Who made them do these strange things, things that they will definitely look back on one day and cringe over?

One of the strangest things is in religion. We are often told, by leaders of nearly all faiths, that all paths lead to God and that there is no wrong path for a religious person. Yet, Jesus warned that there was a path to “everlasting life” and a path leading off into “destruction.” So who the hell is on this other path? Furthermore, no-one ever goes to Hell, except Hitler. I recall talking to my mum after the funeral of my uncle. She was commenting on the lovely speech the vicar gave at the service. She then went on to talk about how my uncle would be with God now, enjoying heavenly rewards. I was a bit confused by this. Don't get me wrong, I loved my dear uncle and he had some good qualities and always treated me well, (apart from the time he pulled my trousers down in front of a room full of party goers). But he also had his bad side. He was a heavy drinker, smoker, gambler and womanizer, and his language was filthy and crude. He did not believe in God and he never went to church. So I wondered how he had managed to sneak past God's attendants and set up a nice gaff for himself in Heaven.

All these things are a mystery to me, as I am sure they are to many of you.

I think I may have solved the mystery. It came to me that someone is responsible for all these strange happenings. There is someone who knows the answer to these puzzling questions. He is a shady character who spends all his time arranging events as I have described. This man, who I shall call “Sid” is a genius who manages to avoid detection.

It is Sid who causes all of the car accidents which are no-one else's fault. It is Sid who sits in his underground office doodling for hours to come up with the most bizarre outfits and hairstyles he can, and when he creates a new embarrassing look to inflict upon us, he chuckles to himself, knowing that he has another ridiculous look to compel the crowd to embrace, like sheep to the slaughter.

On the good side, Sid has a price to pay for his mischief, he is the only one who has to take the “other” path to destruction. But he isn't completely alone because Jesus said that “many are the ones on this road.” So who joins Sid then? Well, the answer must be that Sid has a wife, and thousands of children. This would explain how he manages to get so much done in so many places at once. Sid's minions receive his instructions, probably by text or e-mail. For his crimes poor Sid will have to spend eternity in Hell with just his kids and Hitler for company because no-one else is going there.

And what of little things, like the wires of gadgets that mysteriously tie themselves into bundles overnight, or the coat hangers that multiply in our wardrobes despite the fact that we never actually buy any. And it must be Sid who leaves a thumbs down review on all the websites where everyone else is so delighted with the food or the performance or the product.

Ans so many other things are explained by the presence of Sid, the silent farter in restaurants and pubs where everyone looks at each other in innocence and indignation. The undone lids when we shake the sauce or milk, or the clothing size that is never there in the shop because Sid's minions ran ahead of us and bought up all the size 14s.

It is Sid that breaks all the eggs and leaves them on the shelves in supermarkets, who telephones us in the middle of the night while keeping silent and withholding his number. And recall the times when we are always just short of enough cash to pay for something, guess who pick-pocketed us? Yep, it was Sid!

Sid has access to traffic light controls and he always makes them turn red just as we pull up to them, when we are in a hurry to get somewhere.

So, next time you are forced to wear something embarrassing, or you are involved in a car accident, or you smell that pungent odour in the pub or supermarket, have a quick look around because you may just catch a glance of the master of shadows, Sid.

Reviews

[Donna]

This is brilliant! I just loved reading this. Great job!

[Moomin]

Thanks for the encouragement. It was fun writing it.