blessed are those who find the immortal love

Threatened by this infatuation engulfing me

 stronger than my heart beat

opening my soul to a realm of love unknown

A walk in the park

A kiss of the lips

Being with you gives the me in myself bliss

You gave me a smile

that made the pain seem worth while

crowded by darkness

alone in the nothing

your love gives me light

your love gives me something

all humans crave

all people want

a hearts unwilling taunt

kissed by gods at birth

hatrid and sadness to what're they worth?

To be with you my tourniquet

that is my only dream

and I want to live it

 

Reviews

[Clockwork]

I think that this is a little rough all around. I would suggest expressing the feel in this line: "Being with you gives the me in myself bliss" In a different way. I know what you are trying to say but it seems a little awkward and you may be able to find a real knockout line to plug in there.

The bottom half of this piece is where it goes south because the top half is sold.
Out of these lines here are a few suggestions: "all humans crave"
"all people want.: I think that you could take one of these out because it is repetitive. I also think that the transition could be better between the lines. Fallowing it I would replace a this line "a hearts unwilling taunt." I think that it strays away from the great foundation you created because it gives a different image.
I also suggest changing my tourniquet because it too strays from your foundation.

Just want to help you in the process of becoming a better writer. You have some flair already.

[Jacky Bones]

i really like this
like i can think this could be a song
i mean if it was longer i could see it