Chemistry

A reflection on grief and science

Chemistry is a slow subject
But it’s methodical

Three worksheets deep in a concept
plugging in any number that could
debatably
be called a constant
You’ll look up and realize you’ve figured it out
The tide of confusion subsides
along with the urge to scrunch up
every piece of paper
you’ve ever written on

So there I was
elbow deep in electrons
about a week before finals
When a conversation just so happened
to wander through my concentration

It was so gentle and unexpected
that I just watched it drift down
and block out my comprehension
with its sharp lines and stark contrast

“Did you hear about the girl who died?
I think she was in our grade?”

I kept staring as it unfurled
like a particularly complicated equation
but it wasn’t getting any clearer
No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t factor it
and I started to regret expanding it in the first place

It blocked out all of my understanding
With a growing, piercing shriek
That I could only hope wasn’t actually coming out of my mouth

It meandered into my ears
and camped out
Turning my slow and steady pace
into the last desperate steps
of a man who can feel himself falling

Grief is not a slow subject
Blink and you will miss its intrusion
Turn your head and it will inhabit your bones
Before you can breathe
It becomes its own constant
And plugs itself in wherever it pleases

The past year has been a worksheet
I have no way to check

Maybe I have a grasp on this

Maybe that foothold is four hours away

Four weeks

Four years

But there is no method to this
There is no guarantee I will ever understand

Author's Note

This was my first poem really thinking about line breaks and attempting to make the lines vaguely short. Did it work?

Reviews

[sette]

for me it is a different piece because the relationship between chemistry and sadness is described in the poem.