World Actress

Tragedy in her best role yet.

World Actress

by Monroe Tate

We’ve now birthed a generation of dreamers who have been told you can grow to be anything you want. To what do you say to someone who wants absolutely everything but falls just shy of absolutely nothing? 

The concept of identity has eternally plagued me. I was always unsure if the harmful limitations we’ve imposed stunt personal freedom or if they were exciting roles to be filled in the grand scheme of things. Do these social and personal classifications make us important characters in the production of life? And I can’t quite figure out the one that fulfills me, my dreams. What even are my dreams as of late? Would you think me too cliche to say I am torn between wanting to follow my heart and wanting stability? Should I dare care what you even think? Questions continuously ebb and flow through my mind like a relentless torrent of an existential and morbid sea and that I dare not quiet. 

Sometimes I beg life to throw me a wicked bend in my road. I taunt her mercilessly. My existence for the taken, a shock to remind me how valuable I may very well be. Let that perfect stranger scream obscenities at me, let someone of worth run a knife through my back. Better yet, and simply put, kill me. A beautiful corpse full of potential will surely make for a better tale than an expected departure preceded by years spent unfavorably.

Am I mad? My madness may very well be defined in screaming into an empty room. What good is a voice with no audience? I’m not under the impression though that no one can hear me, it’s that they choose not to. You’ll never lend your ears to another because you genuinely care, it is so you can wait your turn to then borrow theirs. Cruel isn’t it. It works the same way with love and intimacy. You love never the person themselves and for who they are, it’s the idea and the possession of another.

In my mind I am however still a star. A small and fading star in a galaxy of brighter clusters of heavenly, astronomical wonders and planets encompassing unexplored beauty; but still a star. Although unique in approach and of thought, I was not born alone. None of us are if you consider it, we enter this world with a shadow of ourselves, an identical copy paved by the light of the sun. Often as they accompany us, I wonder were they made of opposition or reflection? Are our shadows the sinister antitheses of ourselves or are they our inner workings which we refuse to acknowledge? I prefer to meet those demons head on.

No matter how disastrous a tragedy may be though, every occurrence will be met with an onlooker. To that I say let me continue writing my own script and stumble cynically through my lines, as the show simply must go on and I wouldn’t dream of disappointing.

Author's Note

Meant to be read more as a 'diary entry' or an internal and sporadic battle within from the mind of an exhausted dreamer.

Reviews

[Agyani]

Hey Monroe
I found a bit of a contradiction in this piece. While you talked about the concept of identity plaguing you, you talk about continuing writing your own script and keep the show going on and not disappoint.

What you said about people choosing not to listen and how they only lend an ear to wait for the chance to have yours for their words, I feel the same way. It's an awful feeling to say something honest and heartfelt and have the other person say something unrelated the moment you're done or make themselves the centre of the conversation because that's all they care about. It makes opening up to others even more difficult when you see that happen time and again.
But I'm not really sure about talking about love in the same context. I feel it's not as much about the possession of another than the desire of feeling appreciated and made to feel special, as well as loving someone for your own idea of how they should/can be. Maybe both our feelings on this matter are based on our experiences, but this is just what I feel.

And hey, I think an exhausted dreamer is one who just hasn't tried enough. Something tells me that's not who you are, so don't label yourself like that!