Discovery

         I suppose it began many years before i can recall, but that sweltering summer day I got my first taste of freedom. My first glimpse of real independence, or so I was naive enough to believe. Standing there next to my sister I literally thought I must combust with envy. I wanted to reach out and stroke the radiance exuding from her. I was almost jealous. She was so confident, so beautiful, and so damn self assured. 

 

                                "Everything will be okay, I swear" 

 

        She promised and I wanted nothing more than to believe her, but deep down inside I knew I couldn't. I was thirteen years old. Barely an excuse for a woman, much less a young girl. So many emotions pulsing through my veins. Outrage, envy, confusion, and loneliness, all laced with the slightest tinge of happiness. It was totally absurd. It was as if knowing that my whole existence might collapse and melt away was some sort of relief from the dullness that had overwhelmed me over the past couple of months. I suppose looking back much of my life has been spent on the edge. The edge of good and bad, the edge of right and wrong, the edge of sanity and losing my mind completely. Some people call it mania, some call it it BPD (bipolar disorder). Last time I checked it was called genetics. As me and Alex, my slightly older, slightly wiser, older sister headed for the train station I dissolved into the back of my brain. I think I was short circuting. We walked down the dusty road and couldn't help but reminisce on what my life had been, and fantasize about what my world may become. I was most definitely a day dreamer and had been all my life. That's when my brain snapped me back into reality. I looked down at my black chucks, collecting dust and asked the question that I so desperately needed to know the answer to, but fear had held it in until now.

 

                                "Where are we gonna go?"

 

The noises that rolled out of my mouth were barely the english language, but somehow, as Alex always did, she made sense of my mumbling.

 

                                "Not too sure yet. We can swing by Lance's place and see what he's up to."

 

        Of course, I should have known. In fact I was slightly disappointed by the fact that I wasn't able to read Alex the way she could easily read me. I guess it wasn't much of a talent because everybody could read my emotions. It was one of my many flaws. I was an open book.  As I pondered the million scenarios that could play out and Lance's I started to wonder what Alex saw in him. The guy was a total freak show. I mean he was f*****g insane. She was beautiful, smart and everything I was not. They were such an on and off couple. I think he kept her life from being a complete bore. Everything else about her was, well... normal. Not that it's a bad thing but I could see how it could get boring. I must say I fancied the idea of going to Lance's simple because he was a total pothead. He was definitely good for a joint, even he was a complete psycho. 

 

        We got there via the blue-line, on the house of course! When we arrived his mom was mid-rant about what a lazy a*s f**k he was... hmmm... no surprises there is suppose. 

                        

                                "You're a f*****g loser, just like your father, When the f**k are you going to grow up and get the f**k out of my house?"

 

        And with that little episode ending she stomped out of the door. I must admit the whole charade sounded vaguely familiar. It was kind of spooky actually. For a moment there I had to do a double take and make sure my mom hadn't made her way down here. None the less we were able to crash. I can't to this day pinpoint the exact moment when it struck me. It was so absurd, but some little dying part of my rotting away in the back of my skull wanted to go home. I was lost in though for several moments before I shook the feeling away. I glanced around the house, as usual it was in total disarray.  His mom definitely had the lazy part right. As I was tucking that last thought of home into the deepest crevice in my mind, Lance's voice broke through.

 

                                "What's up chick? Long time no see!"

 

        I glanced over at Lance and he had the goofiest damn smile on his face, I couldn't help but bust into a roar of laughter.

 

                                "Nothing much, you?"

 

        We spent the rest of the night smoking and drinking, drinking and smoking, all the while making meaningless conversation. I stared at the clocking as it wound down. The faint ticking was driving me absolutely insane. I downed another tall can and embraced my drunken thoughts. For some reason life made so much more sense than it ever did when I was sober. 

Reviews

[Shaunta R. Edwards]

haha... wow needs some editing!

[_////---Elektrik Phanto..]

"The edge of good and bad, the edge of right and wrong, the edge of sanity and losing my mind completely. Some people call it mania, some call it it BPD (bipolar disorder). Last time I checked it was called genetics" friggin hilarious. btw this alex chick sounds familiar :D