the fear to move

I just got back from watching some Lovecraftian-like horror film, which got me thinking about fears. I do have a genuine fear of this, sometimes. By the way, this conversation format is new to me.

- What are you afraid of?

-- I'm afraid... I'm... maybe I'm afraid that in making some choices... that comes to define me as a person. That I lose a part of myself - some part that is true to me, you know.

- Right. Like what? What is true for you? ... I mean, I understand what you mean, but what is true for you?

-- I think, what I mean to say is that I'm kinda afraid of irreversible choices. I have a fear - it grips me so hard that even when I want something so badly, I'm afraid... because I'll never know what it was that I didn't do, what lies on the other side of the choice. Do you feel that sometimes too?

- Yeah. Well I can't deny that I have had that luxuriated that thought before. But that's what it is. Life forces a certain necessity in choices doesn't it. You don't act, you act - it's still a choice anyhow. Sometimes, I have that a momentary struggle in conversation. It's almost like time suddenly slows to an almost stop, and you have something that you could say. The words are literally on my tongue, ready to bounce off - but, but I just hold them. It's funny, I know. I don't speak because I'm shy or it's like it's something that could possibly hurt that person if I said it. It's just a sudden... hyper-consciousness of the moment, but in conversation. It's like... ...

-- S**t yeah I totally have that sometimes when I'm kinda tired or when I'm really caffeinated. Like just the other day, I was walking down the steps, and I suddenly felt... automated! Sorta. Like yeah... just really conscious of my movements. So conscious that I was thinking every step, which made it super weird! Coz suddenly, the act of movement feels really... precarious? I mean, I didn't fall, but yeah it felt like I could have.

- Mm. It's weird.

-- You know?

- Yeah?

-- I don't know if... that really scares me. It scares me so much that I can't move.

- Hey... if that happens, just... breathe and walk? That helps me sometimes. You know, I once heard that in a horror movie, if you're feeling really scared, the best thing to do is to get up and stretch. Like to get a sense of your body. Basically to break the illusion....

-- Mm... that's true. But... that's a movie. I... I can't stop feeling, you know, I just... I just...

- Hey, hey....

-- .... .... Ok...

- Ok? ...

-- I'm ok. I just... I need to know... I need to know that...

- It gets better, really.

-- Really? How do you know? ... You know what, I'm sorry. I just wished... I could have been.... that... it could have... Sorry, I'm just so god-damned...

- Hey it's alright man.

-- ...

- I can stay with you.

--... thanks...