Meadow Vista Local

The stumbling sick old dog

Sprawls in the shadow from his own cancerous lumps

Protecting like a pitbull the tattered headland home

Trees over grown

Limping with their own thickness

Painted chipped

Missing windows

Maps of spider webs surround their frames

Broken down cars

Yards and yards of garden hose

A bright orange construction cone

So many

Piles of things

But really it’s empty

Rooms cluttered

With filled crossword puzzles& Pictures of Africa

Where you went thirty years ago

But reference as yesterday morning

Like it will be tomorrow

Only we all know you’re not going back

To that open safari

That truck ride

Bumpy and dusty to the hole the lions drink from

You will stay caged in your lonesome memory boxes

Condemned to your aging arthritic hands

You’re cracking old veined knees

You will walk in circles wearing holes into your patched carpet

Smoking the weed from your wooden pipe

Falling apart with the house

Dying with the dog

Overgrown like the trees that begin

To swallow them all. 

 

 

Reviews

[Kris]

You've got a lot of strong images in this piece, but your problem is that you have too many.

The stumbling sick old dog
Sprawls in the shadow from his own cancerous lumps
Protecting like a pitbull the tattered headland home
Trees over grown
Limping with their own thickness
Painted chipped
Missing windows
Maps of spider webs surround their frames
Broken down cars
Yards and yards of garden hose
A bright orange construction cone
So many

So many indeed. While all of these images carry the theme of old, broken down and rotten things, the only one ever really explored is the image of the stumbling, sick old dog. Slow it down, trim out the fat and truly explore some of the images you throw at the reader. As a general rule, try to avoid using the word 'You' in any poem. Addressing the reader directly isn't always the best approach, and I think the word you is ugly. It's distracting and takes you out of the setting momentarily.

Also, a few times you get extremely wordy in your poem. An example is:
You will walk in circles wearing holes into your patched carpet.
You could say that in a lot fewer words, and the more concise you are the closer you come to the jugular. It might be fun to rewrite this piece while being as Spartan as you could possibly be, only using what words you needed to convey your point, never more than 5 per line. Give it a try if you're interested, and be sure to share the results.

Cheers.

[Marie Starr]

Oh, this is an amazing poem! The sadness of one living so much in the past & so missing out on the present is only heightened by your amazing word choice and imagery!

I loved these lines:

Trees over grown
Limping with their own thickness

and

So many
Piles of things
But really it's empty

The second set of lines is the real heart of the poem, I think. You build up to it so beautifully with the images of all the things that can be seen and then segue so succinctly into what is unseen - the now, the present, the moment ... absolutely amazing! I am adding this to my library, fo sho!

[beancountersar]

This is one of the most descriptive poems I've read in some time. Pictures began to form in my mind as soon as I began reading. Very well done....you took me there, to the sad scene.
Bravo!

[Don Coorough]

Your use of imagery is powerful because you do not simply use it to window dress your poem. The elements work together to provide a glimpse into a particular world, and how it feels to be in that world as well as to view it from afar. The poem full of mood, atmosphere. You refrain from telling me what to think or how to feel about the situation you describe, and wisely allow the events, situation and the emotion in your observations to lead the reader to come to their own understanding. Excellent writing! - EllisD

[Luther]

this poem is again beautifully written. my goodness. it really did hit me. reading it. im sorry but the only way i can describe it, WAMMMMMMMMMMM!!! honestly, sometimes i strugle to produce the words i am searching for, but here i was really lost. its absolutely lovely. i cant describe how much i liked it, which im sure isnt very helpful and so i am sorry. very very stunning. super xxx

[Pax Analog]

What intrigues me is the juxtaposition between the Roethke-like language muscle, inherently celebratory of whatever it engages, with the desuetude of the principal codger, with the borderline disapproval, tho' after all, we're all going nowhere in the sense of inevitably mulching the soul or becoming ashes oblivious of furnace plumes, at least in mortal form.

I guess the key is the codger's pegged as "caged in your lonesome memory boxes," as to judgment.

This edge of interpretation fascinates me, as to your take on my take. Is the codger truly boxed, or does he find a secret epiphany? Inquiring minds want to know. . .;-)

[Gordon]

I really liked the setup of this. The imagery you inspired is professional. Sometimes it's easy to say too much when describing a scene and sometimes we writers don't say enough. I thought you balanced it all out very well.

Favorite lines:
Maps of spider webs surround their frames

So many
Piles of things
But really it's empty

Suggestion:
Yards and yards of garden hose (maybe: Yard full of yards of garden hose) Just a play on the word yard.

Edit stuff things:
With filled crossword puzzles& Pictures of Africa (maybe use "and" instead of "&"
You're cracking old veined knees (I think you meant "Your" not You're")

Great job though... I really enjoyed it.

[Laura E. Aranda]

Thank you for asking me to review this one! Sad Sad
Africa is an intriguing country to me. WOW......Cheers, lea

[Kimberly S]

i had to read this again... i love this poem.. sad... but heart wrenching and almost familiar in a way.. thank god im not old enough to have been in africa 30 years ago.. its almost like a warning not to let your life slip away.. not to pass up the opportunities your afraid of.. not to let those moments slip away from you and regret it later. Meadow Vista.. i love the scenery too.. it almost reminds me of the scary witch houses you always see in the neighborhood when your a child.. you always think the run down dark and woodsy houses are the witch ones.. aajajja