Keine Luft

A Story by MonarchAida

You can't remember

Bum bum, bum bum, bum bum, bum bum.

Your heart is still beating, it's pounding, it's screaming. In your chest, your ears, your head, your brain, and it won't shut up. Your mind is racing, and everything is horrid.

You can't remember laughing with friends. You remember their judgemental remarks. Their teasings and no apologies. Their 'just take a joke' excuses.

You can't remember a family dinner. You remember the shouting and the frustration. The empty threats that feel so real that you're waiting for the hit. His 'I was just trying to get you guys to go faster' excuse.

bum bum, bum bum, BUM BUM, BUM BUM.

You can't remember your happy place. You remember standing there, paralyzed with despair as black vines take over. Their corrupting every last happy thought you had. Their dark and empty sneers are wrapping around your neck. Their 'just breathe, it's okay' taunts.

You can't remember how air feels in your lungs. You remember tears that drown you. Air that escapes you. The 'you know where they are' thoughts.

BUM BUM, BUM BUM, BUM BUM, BUM BUM.

Your heart is still beating. You wonder why. Why is it still pounding, still screaming. In your chest, your ears, your head, your brain, and you will make it shut up. Your mind is racing, and everything is horrid until you swallow it away.

You can't remember swallowing.

BUM BUM, BUM BUM, BUM BUM.

You remember falling bum bum--