State of the Amber Address

looking into the mirror

 

     I am not defined by my mental illness. I am not defined by my desire to have an old school pre frontal lobotomy when the feelings get too real. When my emotions get the better of me, and all I can do is cry, all I want at that moment is absolute silence.

     I am not defined by my clothes. My style of dress is Amber-chic. I feel most at ease in jeans and a tee shirt. I can be myself, no false airs, no snobiness to be found in my jeans. These jeans are as well worn as I am.

 

    "I think therefore I am"

No. "I write, therefore I breathe"

 

 

    I define myself through the number of times I laugh a day, through the amusement of my friends have when I get the 4 AM giddies. "I want my necklace back!" I am defined by my unending quest to know myself. To learn, to be proud of where I am, even if I am lying in a trash filled gutter at night, staring up at what could be, would be, should be.

    I have learned to take it as I go. Roll with the punches, kicks, and with each set back, another mortar shell gets added to the barricade around my metaphorical heart.

    I've played the game for 32 years, I can make up the rules as I go, it's my turn to make people play my version of Calvinball. Make me laugh, youre innocent. Make me cry, you're guilty.

 

    It's taken me this long to wander aimlessly in my head. I'm still not well aquainted with the bats that live in my belfry. I'm not ready to pack it in.

 

F**k that lobotomy. I am my own cure.

 

   

Reviews

[Erotic Goddess]

LOL! I love this, and I agree, we all have it inside of us. I love this: I define myself through the number of times I laugh a day, through the amusement of my friends have when I get the 4 AM giddies. Sometimes there is so much pressure that a girl doesn't know where she begins and expectations end...

xxoxx,
Goddess

[Doctor JKC]

I have moments a day, sometimes a half-hour of inert despair.
Panic attacks changing form and initiation (my sub-conscious
trying to trick me.)
I see a psychiatric doctor (a dinosaur) who writes me drugs.
I fill them and throw all away except for the benzos, which I need
on occasion just to get out of the house.
I enjoy the weekly laugh-fests with my therapist, David.
We also keep a check on my decisions and plan appropriately
for my emergence into everyday life.
I'm not advocating the ceasing of meds for anyone but myself.

As Frank Zappa said, You have to get into it before you get
out of it and you have to get out of it before you get into it."

Art is the way out and that mindset/view.

lovely,
Dr. Callaghan/Jack

[Narnie]

Your heart is not a metaphor - it is the pulse of everything you create and are... which is brilliantly Amber. You've got my vote.

[cest la vie]

June Bug..
this is awesome.. strong, honest , chock full of acceptance..
very well written, and I think this is just damn fine writing
:-)

[Coyote Poetry]

You are perfect to me. A outstanding story. Better to walk alone then be like cattle being led to the slaughter. I like this poem. Thank you.
Coyote

[W.k.kortas]

I like the way it is structured almost like a speech (e.g. The State of the Union Address), and anything that references Calvinball already has a leg up. It's honest, straightforward without descending into rant, and well-built.

[Tommy]

This is a great piece. "I am not defined by my mental illness," but in many ways it sometimes feels so. People are responsible for these kinds of defining, which is destructive to the lives of those who are being defined. Because, sometimes this definition of how one's self should be defined seems to carry over into our psyche; I think it is wonderful that you have been able to find some sense of self or peace with yourself in life. This is something very hard to do sometimes when dealing with a "Mental Illness.' To be able to, "Come to grips with one's self," as one's self is.
I love the use of random thoughts. Like, "I want my necklace back!" I on those sleepless nights sometimes find my thought tracing and retracing random thoughts of what life would be or could be, which sometimes drives me insane and at others keeps me sane, and drives me to try and move forward in life.
I also agree that we are our own cure. It is, "Coming to grips," with this, which is the hard part.
Great work, I genuinely enjoyed reading this!
RLG,
Tommy

[deeps]

I like this and that quote you have in here. This says alot. I found it quite cute as well. A statement very well done and said.

[Forest Green]

Loquacious in a good way. Your soul searching path takes some switchback turns, cavern leaps, vertical climbs and hair-raising dropoffs, but no dead-ends are to be found. Keep navigating your heart, soul, and spirit with a compass that maintains a true heading. Hopefully, the truly frightening parts are all behind you.

[Fabian G. Franklin]

I'd rather have a bottle in front o me than a frontal labotomy. lol Great self pep talk Amber; I'd say you won this round with the voices in your head by a knock-out. Keep swinging champ!