Expectations

14 December 1988

How can one be expected

To live and love

When all people do

Is try to destroy you

 

Mother says

Be the best

Make no mistakes

But have fun

 

Daddy says

I love you

No matter what

But don’t mess up

 

Others say

Be like me

Don’t be like me

Learn from my mistakes

Not your own

There are times

I want to quit

Then I think of

…him

 

How can I let him down

How can I let myself down

 

I feel the need

To live for both of us

At times it’s a burden

I wish I could share

 

I loved him and

I’m going to prove

That what remains of

His love is strong enough

For me to survive

 

What I fear the most

Is being alone

Lost and unloved

It really scares me

 

Though I’m a caring person

I’m not easy to love

I expect a lot

Especially complete honesty

 

I realize

Not everyone is trying

To destroy me

It just feels like so

 

It’s hard to know

That someone loves you

But isn’t supposed to

 

There are others

Who don’t know

What they want

Who are unsure

Of themselves too

 

Which leaves me

In the lurch

With no idea of

Where to go

 

There’s mother again

I told you so

Look at how perfect

Your brother is

Why can’t you be

More like him

 

Daddy

I love you

Something’s wrong

Talk to me

 

Others

I told you

Not to make that mistake

You should’ve learned from me

It would’ve been easier

 

Life isn’t supposed to

Sail you by

You’re supposed to

Meet the storms

And enjoy the calm

Even make a few waves

Of your own

 

Growing up

Is so confusing

One second

You know where

You’re heading

The next

You’re terrified

And lost

Then found again

 

I must remember

Who I can

Trust to return

My love

Honestly and faithfully

Author's Note

- I spent years dealing with the suicide of a friend in my junior year...much of what you'll read is trying to come to terms with the conflicting messages I kept receiving...and the pain and missing him.