Fizzo Jobhernia, Part OneA Story by Michael Stevens The Monitor-Lizard Men Return!
Fizzo Jobhernia slumped down onto the
carpet of the home he had busted his hump to be able to afford. The job he held as a sergeant in The Herkonian
Military paid slightly less than jack s**t, so day-to-day survival wasn't easy;
had never been easy; in fact he was
so broke he couldn't afford even the most basic of furniture, let alone some of
the more fancy creature comforts. He had
just returned home from a mission on Earth, where he oversaw his squad's
eradication of the pathetic vermin who occupied that miserable, insignificant
blue-green sphere. Personally, he
thought it was a waste of time, as there were other, less crowded planets, with
say, zero intelligent beings on it (not that Earth was any different!), but he
had his orders. It had been a suck-a*s
job made all-the-more suck-a*s by a suck-a*s soldier by the name of Fallopian
Quasarski. Apparently, he saw himself as
some sort of Avenging Angel, taking the responsibility of telling every
ordinary Herkonian all the secrets of the state. What a throbbing tool! As Fizzo lay in the middle of his rented
house's floor, he thought, and not for the first time, maybe it was time to
find a new job, although he had absolutely no idea of what. The Herkonian military was all he'd done
since dropping out of school and joining just after 6th grade.
******
Well, he'd done it, resigned from the
military and taken this job; selling used hovercraft. He'd always been good with his tongue (that's
what she said!) so he figured he'd be good at it. Today was his first day and he had his first
potential sale, as a guy had wandered on the lot and was kicking the landing
skies of several models. He popped a
Lizard-Lozenge, a kind of breath mint, straitened his tie, or at least what
passed for a Herkarian tie, and hurried from his office. As he approached the guy, he said,
"Hello there, friend, you look like
you are interested in purchasing one of these fine hovercrafts."
"Well, in truth, I'm just
looking. I really can't afford
them."
"Well, we offer financing, so you'll
be able to fly away in one of these babies today!"
"My credit is terrible."
"Well, why don't you take one for a
test flight, and if you like it, I'll talk to my manager and see what we can
do."
"If you think I even have a chance,
okay."
"Great, why don't you try this
one?" he said, pointing to a two door model that was nearby. He had already sized the guy up and decided
he looked like a typical young Herkonian, attracted to a sporty model.
"Well, personally, I'd love it, but the
missus would kill me if I came home with something like this."
Oh! "How about something like this one over
here?"
"That's more like it, a four door;
with six little mouths to feed on the way, we'll need the extra room."
"Six?
So you're both expecting?"
"Children? Yeah, I guess you could say that, but the
only thing I'm expecting is taking a lot of cold showers, if you know what I
mean!"
No, he didn't know what the guy meant, but
he decided to act as if he did; how clean did a dude have to be that he would
take more than one shower? Maybe the guy
was so cheap, he didn't want to pay for the electricity? "Yeah, and why don't you hop in behind
the controls and see what you think?"
******
After spending most of the morning with the
guy, he'd finally decided he liked it and wanted to try for a loan. Fizzo had all of the guy's credit info, and
told his boss, Dak E (the salesmen called him Slime-Y behind his back; Fizzo
wondered if that was his first, last, or entire name?") to run a credit
check on the guy.
© 2014 Michael Stevens |
StatsAuthor
Michael StevensAboutI write for fun; I write comedy pieces and some dramatic stuff. I have no formal writing education, and I have a fear of being told I suck, and maybe I should give up on writing, and get a job makin.. more..Writing
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