Learning to Craw!

Learning to Craw!

An Awesome Possum Tale

     Randy Craw took out his frustration on the pop-up clown who was stupid enough to keep coming back for more, even though Randy was a red-faced b*****d, a very angry red-faced b*****d. You don’t mess with the Ranster! he thought. He wished it was the face of his neighbor, Chancy Wellspring, instead of a defenseless hunk of rubber, who’s leering Bozoid face kept going to the floor, and popping right back in his face for more pummelage. Chancy Wellspring lived in the same apartment complex, The Mindton Abbey Apartments, across the hall in 5-C. Randy’s apartment was 12-X; Randy had no fricking idea why. He hated Chancy Wellspring because ever since day one, whenever he left his apartment, he had no choice but to see the symbol of Wellspring’s wealth, the sports car; new and impossibly expensive; that sat parked right next to his bondoed, 4 different bald tires, loser-mobile. Why did that b*****d get off on rubbing Randy’s face in it, like he was a kitten being trained to use the litter box? So, he was struggling a little; he should try dressing up in a ridiculous, degrading rodent-costume; the rich b*****d!

     “Hidee hi ho, kids, it’s me, your awesome buddy, Awesome Possum!” S**t, look at them, sitting there like the little drooling sawed-off little pecker-children they were! Randy was starting to tape another ‘Awesome Possum Show’.

     “Yeah!” they screamed. Yeah, ha, ha, we’re just about the stupidest bunch of moron kids ever assembled! “Kids, today,”today, we’re going to learn how to pull your head out of your a**; yeah! “today we’re going to be learning how to count!”

     “Yeah,” the sawed-off little pecker-children shouted.

     Yeah; first, extend your middle finger and point it at your face, yeah! “Okay, here we go, kids!”

     “Yeah,” they shouted. S**t!, shut your little sawed-off pecker-faces!

     They were done with taping, and Randy couldn’t wait to lose this moronic outfit. He was heading quickly to his dressing room, when Ferret Girl, or Pauline DeHaven, called out to him,

     “Hey, Randy; what’s up?”

     “Ah, not me!” he answered. Pauline not only played a ferret, she looked the part.

     “Oh, you!” The poor girl thought he was kidding!

     “Yeah, ha, ha! No, I’m on my way out.”

     “I can see that; I was wondering where?”

     S**t; away from you! “Oh, just out.”

     “Oh, well, we should do something, sometime Randy.”

     Double s**t! “Yeah, Pauline.”

     “Well maybe we could go to The Rowley Street Fair this weekend?

     Triple s**t; boy, that was a lot of s**t! “Oh, that sounds like fun, Pauline,” think! “But I’ve got to, ah, ah, I’ve got to, ah,...” Before he could think of a good lie, his boss, Farley Skiptoid, called to him,

     “Randy, can I see you in my office, please?”

     Saved by the bell! “Sure, Farley; Pauline, another time, perhaps?”

     She looked downcast, and replied, “Sure, Randy, another time,” and she turned and waked away.

     Thank goodness! Ordinarily, the sound of Farley’s voice grated on him like some sort of People-Grader, but this time it saved him from a date with Ferret-Girl. He followed Skiptoid to his office, shut the door behind him, and said,

     “What’s up, Far?”

     “First off, please don’t call me Far, and secondly, we’d like you to go out and make personal appearances with Ferret Girl, as you two are far and away our two most popular characters. The way kids relate to you two, especially you, Randy; we need to start taking advantage of that.”

     Far’s not the proper F word I’m thinking of you as right now, “Gee, Farley, I don’t know; you know I love entertaining the kids, but...”

     “Great, I’ve taken the liberty of setting up a show today at the Scabbery Mall; then it’s all settled; I’ll go talk to Pauline, and you two can head right on down to the show; it starts at 3.00pm.”

     F***! It was 2 pm now. “Ah, I can’t today, I've got to, got to...”

     “Well, whatever it is, I hope it’s worth losing your job over, because if you refuse, we’ll get someone else to play possum!

     Randy looked out at the sawed off little pecker-children’s smiling faces, and dread filled his pants; shirt, his whole costume. How did I get roped into this? he thought. He stole a glance at Pauline, who also didn’t appear to be very happy about this arrangement. She didn’t look too bad, today. In fact, she looked pretty good. Maybe he’d been a little hasty in dismissing her.

     “Hey Pauline, what would you say to getting something to eat after the show?” There, she’d been after him, and now she’d get him.

     “Oh, thanks anyway, Randy, but me and Neptunis are going out to dinner already; sorry!”

     Neptunis? Talk about bottom fishing!  Neptunis should have a flea collar; he was a dog! Before he could respond, the curtain rose, and they were staring out at a couple hundred kids; sawed-off little pecker-children!

     “Hidee hi-do, kids!”

     An ungodly wail arose from the mass of sawed-off little pecker-children. To Randy Craw, it sounded like the screeching of the siren, luring unwary rodents to their doom upon sharp children-rocks! “Look who I brought with me, your friend, but apparently not mine, Ferret Girl!”

     Pauline looked shocked, and answered, “Hello, children; today, Awesome Possum’s not treating Ferret Girl very nice!”

     Randy felt red-hot anger swarm him. “You know what kids? I’ll let you in on a little secret; Ferret Girl’s kind of a p*****-tease!”

     Pauline glared at him, and replied, “You know what, kids, I’ve tried to be nice, but my lesson is how you get rid of a loser, who you did like, but who treated you like s**t, and now can’t understand how any girl could resist his bulls**t!”

     “Kids, Ferret Girl is nothing but a bit...”

     “Kids, a loser looks just like this lump of s**t wearing the Awesome Possum outfit; but there’s nothing awesome about this loser-b*****d, now is there?” interrupted a red-faced Pauline.

     Parents hurried their wide-eyed children towards the exits, and soon, Awesome Possum and Ferret Girl found themselves trading insults in the empty mall theater. Then Randy found himself a lonely possum when Pauline told him to go screw himself and stormed off also.

     “What the hell happened today?” Farley Skiptoid fairly yelled.

     “Ferret Girl turned and sank her teeth into my a**!” replied Randy.

     “Well, I’m sinking my size 11 boots, right up there too; you’re fired!

     “Hold on, boss; I know you’re...”

     “You’re damn right I’m upset, but you know what? Now that I’ve fired your a**, I feel the stress level dropping fast!”

     “Come on, boss, be reas...”

     “Get out, and leave the possum costume here!”

     Randy Craw rolled over in bed, and felt the hopeless feeling swarm into his just-waking brain. Now what was he going to do?

Reviews

[Colt 45 & 9/16]

alright more possum! i was a little confused between what I assume Randy was just thinking (swear words and what not) and what he actually spoke outloud.
Is his spat with Pauline due to Randy being a scoundrel or her being angry that he turned her down. I felt that was a comical aproach, yet still it seemed like a very abrupt change from politely turning down a date to cussing eachother out in front of children. Or is Pauline just a little nuts her self?

[Michael Stevens]

I tried to put what Randy was just thinking in italics, but I'm not sure it really stood out enough. As for the polite turning down to out-and-out fighting, I myself thought it might be too abrupt of a change, and I added some dialog, but not enough, I guess. I probably shouldn't have posted it yet, as I don't do well when I'm getting tired, and I was getting tired, until I was satisfied that it worked more smoothly. To me, I think his spat with Pauline is due to both being a jerk, and being turned down. Thanks for the read!