Eye Ahem da Guvner; Chapter Nine

Chapter 9:

 

     Patrolman Dennis Snarf watched helplessly as the car with the 2 suspects and the hostage rolled by. The captain was just going to let these punks drive away. Snarf wouldn’t have done this. As he watched with disgust the suspect’s vehicle roll by on its way to freedom, something in his mind just snapped. Before anyone could stop him, he took three quick steps forward and had raised his gun and fired at the windsheild. He saw the rainbow-colored spray of fragments fly high into the air as the window shattered. One of the suspects started screaming,

     “Ahhhh!” and started pulling the trigger of his gun.

     Snarf thought he had left himself wide open for a return shot, but no sound of a shot came to him. Instead, the screaming of the suspect kept going.

     “Ahhhh!” and what looked like a spray of water was blown back onto the suspect, and before his shock wore off and he could fire again, the car flew by him, and the screaming faded away around the corner the street.

 

 

     They were in the open. Earle Edgar yelled, “Flore dis bich!”

 

 

     Jimmy put his foot to the floor, and the car burned out in a blue haze of rubber smoke. Because the windsheild hadn’t been safety glass, the whole thing had been obliterated by the impact of the bullet, and he couldn’t see. The car shot forward and headed straight for a drop-off that was overgrown with blackberry bushes.

     Earle Edgar screamed, “Ware da hel are yo---,” and the car went airborn into thin air.

     They hit the bushes, which were so thick they cushioned the car’s impact with the ground. They hit and started rolling, until the car landed right-side up on the roadway below the drop-off. The shaken desperado’s sat in stunned silence for a couple of seconds, and then Earle Edgar squeaked,

     “Whowa, dat wuz harey!”

     Oren added, “It’s a good thing Jimmy insisted we wear our seatbelts, or we’d be hurting like dry toast!”

     Jimmy just gave the other two a look, and since the car was still running, started straight ahead down the road. Something was very wrong with the steering, however, and to keep the car pointed straight, he had to turn the wheel towards the ditch. The wind rushing in made his eyes water, but somehow he stayed on the road, and the car limped painfully forward.

 

 

     Captain Gary Westering watched as the car with the two suspects and their hostage disappeared around the corner; the “Ahhhh!” screams of one of the robbers fading away.

     “Come on; pursuit!” he shouted.

     He had been planning on just letting them go out of concern for the hostage, but after the one suspect had pointed a gun at them after Officer Numb-Nuts had ruined his hands-off plan by acting like a one-man war machine, and firing his gun at the 40-year old escape car, he would now have to pursue them.

 

 

     The officer known by the captain as Officer Numb-Nuts, Dennis Snarf, was the first officer to react when the captain had yelled,

     “Come on; pursuit!”

     His patrol car was only steps away, and he ran to it and burned out down the road; narrowly missing another police car that was trying to heed the captain’s call. He floored the gas and barely made the corner. He spotted the suspects’ car just in time to see it fly off the road and down the steep hillside.

 

 

     He reached the spot where the car had gone airborn off the road, and slid to a stop. Fully expecting to see a mangled hunk of junk, he saw instead smashed sticker bushes where the car had landed, and a huge cloud of dust out of which roared the suspects’ car.

     “Son of a b***h!” he screamed, and in a hopeless attempt to stop them, withdrew his gun and squeezed off several rounds.

     The car seemed to be taunting him as it squeeled by below him and sped rapidly away.

 

 

     Gunshots from above hit the roof of the car and one narrowly missed Oren, who was sitting in the back seat. “Man, that was closer than a hair on the head of a pygmy goat!” he exclaimed.

 

     As he drove, Jimmy was fighting to keep the crippled car on the road. One tire had been bent in the crash, and was scraping the wheel well. Mud that had lodged under it was flying towards the sky in great gobs. Apparantely, the radiator had been pierced, because the engine temperature was all the way into the red. Steam was boiling out behind them in billowing clouds of grey. As far as he could tell, Jimmy didn’t think they were being pursued, but he couldn’t really tell with all the steam.

     “This car’s about had it!” he told Earle Edgar.

     “Weel juss driiv da bich inta da dert, kepe moovin!”

     Oren spoke up, “It looks like we’re trailing our own weather; like a streamer on a bullet train!”

     They both glanced at him with questioning looks, and then Earle Edgar remarked,

     “Eyeva gott an grate ideea; wi donut wi puwl ovar an dich dis dum baste---”

     “I won’t listen to you guys fight every second of every day,” cut in Jimmy, “now I’m sorry, Earle Edgar, that you don’t like Oren; and...,”

     “Nott haaf a*s sory as Eyem!” interjected Earle Edgar.

     “I’m sorry, Oren, that you don’t like Earle Edgar, but...,”

     “That’s the understatement of the year!"

     “we’ve got to work together to get us out of this mess; now Earle Edgar; Jimmy; I want you to shake hands!”

     “Noww wi in da hel wood Eye evun wawent two tuch that moor onic inbreedo...”

     “Earle Edgar!”

     “Owa, oakay!” said Earle Edgar, and reluctantly reached out his hand towards Oren.

     I’d just as soon stick dynamite down my pants, Oren thought, but reached out his hand, and the two men shook.

     Dare, ar ya hapy, yew friken whoper basterd?  Earle Edgar thought to himself while shooting daggers at Jimmy.

     No matter that we shook hands; that has about the same meaning as a promise you make while standing on your head, Oren thought.

 

 

     Just then, the tortured car gave up the ghost. It shuddered, and the radiator cap shot off and banged against the closed hood. Then it died, and slowly coasted to a stop.

     “Greyat, noww wat da hel ar wi suposed ta dew?” said Earle Edgar.

     Jimmy cranked on the starter until the battery wouldn’t turn it over any longer, and Oren said,

     “Well, she’s gone, like the bean dip at a flatulence rodeo!”

 

 

     Jimmy got out and opened the hood. As he was staring at the quiet lump of red-hot metal that comprised the engine, a policeman rolled up.

     “Having car trouble?”

     Jimmy saw the speaker and panicked. Why did he have to show up? “Oh she’s a little tempermental is all,” he said, as hot water was running onto the ground, formed a small river that ran across the pavement and disappeared down the storm drain, and waves of steam boiled around his head.

     “Well, it looks bad; can I give you three gentlemen a lift somewhere?”

     “Owa, kno tanks, oficur. Wi, ah, wi, dat iz Eye, nede da excarcyse!”

     “Yeah, look at him; he’s exercises about as often as I dance on one leg!” Oren piped in.

     “Oh, why don’t you let me give you a lift? I can’t let you guys walk along the highway. It’s not safe, to you or the other drivers.”

     S**t! Jimmy thought. “Well, if you really think we’d be a distraction.”

     “Wat inn da hel ar yew dewing?” whispered Earle Edgar.

     “Yeah, I think you’d be definite road hazards,” added the policeman.

 

     Jimmy felt trapped. If they refused the ride, they’d likely be arrested and the truth of their situation found out. If they accepted the ride, the cop was bound to become suspicious at some point, like as soon as Earle Edgar opened his mouth! But they had no choice but to accept his offer.

     “Okay officer, please give us a ride to the next town up the road; thank you.”

 

 

     Jimmy was sitting up front in the passanger’s seat, while Earle Edgar and Oren shared an uncomfortable back seat. The policeman was behind the wheel and the police car pulled back onto the highway.

     “My name’s Dave Saxon, and who might I be talking to?”

     “Yer talkin ta us; iz dare sumwon inn da carr date Eyema nott a wayar ov?” replied Earle Edgar, as he looked around the interior of the police car.

     “Ah, I think he means our names, Jack.”

     “Woos dat?”

     “Why, that’s you, Jack!”

     “Owa, rite; Jayak, dats mi!"

     Saxon gave him a strange look, and then added, looking at Jimmy, “Okay, what are your names?”

     “Jimmy replied, “I’m Cal Frost and this is my brother Jack,” nodding towards Earle Edgar. Then the absurdity of Jack Frost hit him. He’d just blurted out the first name that popped into his head, and he couldn’t have picked a dumber name, for it was such an obviously-made-up name, that unless the cop was as dumb as Earle Edgar, he was bound to question.

      Quickly, he added, “And this guy,” nodding towards Oren, “is our cousin, Hal Dew.”

     “Pleased to meet you gentlemen.”

     Well, he now knew the answer to that one! Just then, the radio came to life.

     “This is police dispatch to all officers; be on the lookout for 3 suspects, last seen leaving the area of Fred’s Liquor, where they attempted an armed robbery. Suspects’ description: A male suspect with a slim build; roughly 6-4 or 6-5; dark hair; and wearing blue shorts and a black tee-shirt that only covers about 1/2 his torso, a male suspect in terrible shape; roughly 5-6; reddish-brown-colored thinning hair; and wearing a stained jumpsuit with the words 'Devil Dan's Love Machine' printed on it, and one male suspect; initially thought to be a hostage, but confirmed by witnesses as a suspect; desription: medium build; roughly 5-10; brown hair; wearing black slacks with a white dress shirt”

     Great, now it was all over, thought Jimmy.

     The jig is up, like a tipped-off warden, thought Oren.

     Eye howep da wethar howleds, thought a totally-unaware Earle Edgar.

     Officer Saxon keyed his microphone and responded, “Roger; be on the lookout for 3 suspects,” repeated their descriptions, then said, “Officer Saxon, over and out.”

     Jimmy looked stricken, and was about give up, when Saxon continued.

     “Sorry about all the chatter; we’re on the lookout for these dangerous suspects and as soon as I drop you guys off at the next town, I’m going back to resume the search.”

 

 

     The police had tracked the homing device to here. Just up the road the suspects’ vehicle sat, very much abandoned and looking forlorn; a puddle of anti freeze shimmering in the morning sun.

 

 

     “What now, Earle Edgar?” asked Jimmy.

     “Wel, yer plays iz owet two. Dea miyat bee serchin fer yew moww,” Earle Edgar said, nodding to Oren,

     “Wel, weel fynde an howtell oar an mowtell an reyant an ruum.”

     “Yeah, we need a place to crash,” added Oren, who was disappointed about leaving all his stuff behind at his apartment. But, he knew that Earle Edgar was right. Who knew what the police would find out? There was no point in taking a chance.

     Owa, wi donut yew shuet yer pi whole, yer paret ov wi weer almows skrewd! thought Earle Edgar.

 

 

     They walked into The Sleep Inn after they had been dropped off at the city limits of the city of Prong by Officer Saxon. Jimmy and Oren knew how close they had come to being apprehended. Earle Edgar had no clue.

     “Leyat mi dew da tawkin,” he said.

     S**t!  thought Jimmy.

 

 

     They walked up the the check-in counter of The Sleep Inn and the hostile-looking desk clerk sneered at them, and said,

     “Well, what can I do for you?”

     “Yeya, mi an mie frends wud lyk tew reyant an ruum, but wi aiyant gowet ani muny. Mite yew haav ani awed jowbs wi cud dew inn exchayange fer an ruum?”

     “Why don’t you freaks take your disgusting act somewhere else?”

     “Wats dat aposed tew meen?” shouted a red-in-the-face Earle Edgar.

     “I mean you guys are 'special' friends!”

     “Wel noe sheit; luuk, awl wi wawat iz an ruum fer dis evenin; kan wi werk sumpin owet oar nott? Ifn da answars 'noe' weel juss goe sumware ware day arnot sew uwptite abowet guis lyke uss!”

     “Ahh, that would be a definite no!”

     “Tanks fer nuten, yew friken basterd!”

 

 

     They went into the city for the day; with an idea to come back to The Sleep Inn after dark to watch which of the rooms remained unrented by seeing which of them stayed dark. Earle Edgar had thought up the plan; a plan which Jimmy knew was assinine, but was too hungry and tired to argue with.

     “Weer juss gonta half tew wayat untyl nite, an cowem bak tew wach witch ruums staa vaycent; den brek inn,” he had said. “Eye kno howw tew pyke loweks, sew itt shud bee relativeli eesy.”

 

 

     They were all bored of people watching by the time the sun went down. They had spent most of the day dodging police throughout the city. It seemed that every time they got settled and comfortable, they’d have to dart down an alley to escape the gaze of a cop. Anyway, at last it had grown dark and they were hiding behind a dumpster in the parking lot of The Sleep Inn. Earle Edgar was keeping a close watch on the apparently-vacant rooms. Finally, around midnight, he glanced at the other two and said,

     “Eyeva gott mi eyas owen an ruum owen da secund flore. Letts goe!”

     Jimmy knew that Earle Edgar’s idea was assinine, but he also knew how useless it was to try and make him change his mind, so he went ahead. They snuck up the stairway and Earle Edgar said,

     “Howeld itt, evuriting luuks difersnt frum heer. Eyema nott suur witch ruum iz---awa, dis iz da won.”

     And he produced the coat hanger he’d found in the dumpster, unbent it, and jammed the end into the key hole. He jabbed and twisted it, waiting for the tell-tale click that would tell him he had unlocked the door, but heard nothing. He tried again, but still the door remained locked. It had been years since he had tried this, so maybe he was just a little rusty. He was starting to get frustrated, but once again he tried. After a few fruitless minutes of trying, the door remained locked.

     “Cowem onn, ya morphadight sum ov an bich!” he whispered at the unyielding lock. It was eerily silent, as he tried again.

     “Sheit!” he hissed, and just sat back to contemplate the situation.

     After a few minutes of listening to the faraway sound of the sleeping city, Jimmy asked,

     “Can you think of another way, Earle Edgar?”

     “Yeyap,” Earle Edgar replied, bent down to pick up a large rock from the nearby small garden area, and smashed it down on the doorknob, which immediately sheered off and bounced across the walkway; arcing out into the night on its way to the ground floor. They heard it strike the sidewalk below, and then it flew out into the grass. Almost immediately, the heard the angry voice of the motel clerk,

     “What in the hell’s going on out there?”

     The chagrined trio exchanged glances, and were all set to run, when from the ground floor they heard a male voice shout,

     “I can’t take it anymore, ma!”, followed by several gunshots that boomed and echoed into the night air.

     They thought the shooter must have shot his mom, but then heard,

     “Baby, did you forget to take your anti-phycotic medication again? You know how you get when you don’t take it!”

     Soon they heard the wail of siren becoming louder, and realized they were trapped on the 2nd floor.

 

     Below them, several police officers rushed to the open door of a room, and one of them yelled,

     “Alright, we have your room surrounded; throw the gun out and come out with your hands behind your head!”

     A gun came flying out of the room and landed in the courtyard grass, followed by,

     “Don’t shoot; I’m coming out. I give up!”

     That was immediately followed by his mother, pleading, “Please don’t shoot my baby; he didn’t take his medication!”

     “As long as he give up peacefully, you’ve got no reason to worry!”

     The trio could see everything from over the edge of the second floor walkway, and fully expected a teenager to come out the door. They were amazed when a middle-aged man came out of the door with his hands behind his head.

     “Face down on the ground, now!” yelled one of the police officers.

     The middle-aged man did what they asked, and one of the officers ran up to him and put his knee behind his neck. Immediately, a hysterical older woman ran out of the room, screaming,

     “Don’t hurt my baby; you said you wouldn’t hurt my baby!”

 

 

     The commotion below had apparently distracted attention from all the horrible noise Earle Edgar had made smashing the doorknob off with the rock. The shooter and his hysterical mom had been hauled away, and once again silence descended and the night was quiet. The three desperados were sitting in their newly-opened motel room and turned their attention to finding some food.

     “Layats chek owet awal da cupboreds tew cee ifn sumwone leyaft sumpin to chowadown onn,” Earle Edgar said.

     Jimmy checked the cupboard door nearest him, while Oren and Earle Edgar checked the others. He found a box of pop tarts, and held them up.

     “Look what I found!”

     Oren said, “Divide them up so we all get some.”

 

 

     Earle Edgar goggily awoke to laughter. He lay awake and listened to Jimmy talking on the phone.

     “Hello? Yes, do you have Prince Albert in a can?” After a couple of minutes, he said, “You do? Well you’d better let him out before he suffocates; eh, ha, ha, ha!” and he slammed the phone down. “Eh, ha, ha, ha, that bit never fails!”

     Earle Edgar spoke up, “Wat inn da hel ar yew duen?”

     “Oh, good morning Earle Edgar; I hope my laughter didn’t wake you, but I got bored after I woke up and used the phone to call local stores and made some hilarious prank calls!”

     “Owa, fer Krists sayak; qwet waisten yer tyme wiyath dat juvaniyal buwelsheit!”

     “No, it’s really fun; here, you try one; I’ll dial the number. When they answer, just say whatever comes into your mind.”

     “Noe, Jimy, dis iz---hello? Awa, Dew yew haav Prynes Alburt inn an kan? Yew dew? Wel, dat muss bee won gygantec frikin ka---helo?”

     Jimmy lost it. “Eh, ha, ha, ha; see? I told you it’s a blast to yank someone’s chain!”

     “Wat ayem Eye, a frikin baythtubb? Eyewuznt yayanken aniwones chayan. Cowem owen, letts git owet ov heer.”

     “Just a minute; one more.”

     “Noe, weeve gowet ta git goen!”

     “Come on, just one more!”

     “Sheit, oakay, butt diss iz da layast won.”

     Jimmy dialed another store and it rang a couple of times, and then a voice said,

     “Dawson’s Market.”

     “Yes, I’m trying to locate a customer. I believe he’d shopping there.”

     “Oh? If you give me his name I’ll ask him over the intercom to come up to my register.”

     “Sure, thanks much. His name is Oral Chaff.”

     “Sir, I’m not falling for that; the name is obviously phony!”

     “No, this is life and death; his medicine perscription for his angina has been changed, and I’ve got to let him know!”

     “Well, if it’s really life and death.”

     Then he heard, “Beep. Is there an Oral Chaff in the store? I’m looking for Oral Chaff!”

     After a few seconds Jimmy heard, “I’m sorry sir, there doesn’t appear to be anyone by that name in the store.”

     “Oh; now that makes me mad; he told me he’d be there. The lies out of his mouth really rub me the wrong way; eh, ha, ha, ha!”, and with that, he slammed the phone down and lost it. “Eh, ha, ha, ha; the lies out---”

     “Eya, yawe yawe; ar yew dun? Noww kan wi goe?”

 

 

     They had succesfully robbed several more stores in the city of Prong, and were living in an upscale hotel. Jimmy had argued against hanging around town, but Earle Edgar had insisted.

     “Owa, donut bee a pansi! Tynk ov awal da otter playses ta rowb. Da pykens heer ar two guud ta payass uwep!”

     So Jimmy had just kept his mouth shut.

 

 

     They had each bought new clothes, and no one was happier about that fact than Jimmy. They had also bought a low-key vehicle to drive. Earle Edgar had argued they should buy a sleek little bright-red roadster with fancy chrome wheels, but Jimmy had nixed that idea.

     “Sure, we should buy that one; if we want to guaranty being caught; it would be like driving a blinking neon sign that said, “Thieves Here!”

     “Too tings rong wit wat yew juss sayad. Firss, yew donut driiv an neeowen sine; an sekend, awa, awa...awa hewl, Eye donut ammembor da sekend!”

 

 

     They had decided one evening they were tired of cheap take-out, or rather Earle Edgar had decided, and would go down to the expensive hotel restaurant, “La Exresseso Steakoso”. Before going down to dinner, they were all having cocktails poured out of the gallon of whiskey they had purchased after their latest success; holding up a video store. Earle Edgar sarcastically said, from outside the closed door to Jimmy’s bedroom,

     “Watevur culd yew bee duin inn dare, Jimy? Eyema coemin inn ta cee fer miself!”

     “No; ah, I’m all done watching the educational video that I stole from the video store today.”

     They each had stolen a movie to watch on the built-in V.C.R.’s in their rooms, but no one had seen the title of Jimmy’s selection. He came out of his room and shut the door behind him. Earle Edgar asked,

     “Watcha wachen?”

     Jimmy quickly replied, “Ah, The Solar System: A-Z”

     “Sowends vari intraresten; Eyea wil tak an luuk-cee!”

     “No---err---what titles did you guys get? I might want to take a look,” Jimmy said, desperate to change the subject.

     “Eyl tel yew wat. Eyl traad yew mi taep, “Metel Fatige: Da Stori of Harrd Rok inn Amerika” fer yer tital. Wat iz itt agane?”

     “The Solar System: A-Z, and ahh, no thanks, I’m not interested too much in hard rock.”

     “Wel, Eye wawent tew kno awl abowet dat plawnet sheit!” and he pushed Jimmy aside and walked up to his V.C.R. and picked up the empty tape container.

     “Bowense an Qwiver: An Stori ov Won Yung Gyrls’ Entri Inta Adulethud.”

     He read the name while Jimmy made a vain attempt to wrest the cover from Earle Edgar’s hand.

     “Saya, dat wuud bee egikationel!” said Earle Edgar.

     By that time, Oren had wandered up to stand in the doorway.

     “What Jimmy wack�"err�"watches is none of our business; like wearing a thong under your pants; it should stay well-hidden!”

     Earle Edgar looked incredulously at him. “Yew meen ta tel mi dat yew lyk waren dayni tings undar yer jeens?”

     “Ahh, not me; I’m just saying that it’s none of our business; it’s like trying to herd cats; the marks don’t show.”

     What? thought Jimmy.

     Wat?  thought Earle Edgar.

 

 

     The dining room was crowded, as Earle Edgar, Jimmy, and Oren made their way to a table near the fireplace. Several diners looked at the three with suspicion. Earle Edgar was about to ask them what the hell they were looking at, when Jimmy gave him a warning look, and said quietly,

     “Now, don’t say anything you’ll regret, Chuck.”

     Earle Edgar looked at Jimmy like he was crazy, and asked, “Woo inn da hel ar ya takin two noww?”

     Jimmy whispered, “You, Earle Edgar; you need to change your name to Chuck Dill while we keep lie low.”

     “Howw dew yew kno ar bedds ar goenta bee clowst ta da grownd?”

     What a moron!, Jimmy thought. “Just a figure of speech, again; what I’m trying to say is we shouldn’t use our real names while we’re hiding from the police,” he answered quietly.

     “Owa, Eye gowetya!”

     Did he?

 

 

     As Jimmy pulled out his chair, he thought, this going out was a bad idea!   When they we all seated at the table, Jimmy passed out the menues and they all opened them. He asked,

     “What looks good to everyone else? I’m thinking of having the house specialty.”

     “Wats dat?” Earle Edgar said.

     Jimmy glanced at the name on the menu, La Steakoso Expresso and said, “Fish and Chips; eh ha ha! No, I’m going to have the steak; and I’m going to have a piece of mince-meat pie.”

     “Miyance-meet pye? Wat kynd ov regergitaytad sheit iz dat?”

     “Keep your voice down, Earle Edgar!” he hissed.

     “Awa, skrew dem; daye luuk lyke an buyunch ov friken moor ons aniwayy!” he shouted.

     Jimmy saw all the hostile looks from the other diners, and quickly said, “What are you going to order, Oren?”

     He answered, “Oh, I think I’l---”

     “Wat in da hel ar yew luuken att, laydee? Ya mite wawent ta luuk att yer cousemedics miror innsted; wyth an fayac dat mesed uwp, yer goen ta bee playasterin owen da maykuwp; an evun den, itt probly wowent hep!” interrupted Earle Edgar, addressing a woman diner.

     “Just a damn minute; you can’t talk to my wife like that!” replied her husband.

     “Owa, exguews mi; leyat mi stayand owen mi hed an tawlk ta herer!”

     “Screw you, you dumb b*****d!” the husband yelled and charged Earle Edgar, smashing into him and sending them both into a nearby table, upending it, and sending the dishes flying to the floor; where they shattered. Everyone started screaming; and jumping out of the way. Earle Edgar and the enraged husband kept exchanging punches while they rolled around the restaurant floor,

     “Eyema goen ta kil yew, yew sun ov an bich!” screamed Earle Edgar.

     “Bring it on, you inbred moro---”

     Earle Edgar connected solidly on the guy’s jaw, turning out his lights immediately.

     “Hawa, haw; thayatll teech ya ta meswid Earal Edger Nek!”

     Jimmy quickly grabbed him, pulling him towards the door. “Come on, we’ve got to get out of here; the police will be here any second!”

     Earle Edgar looked at the unconscious husband, then looked up at the watching crowd and said, “Anibuddy eles wawant an peece ov mi?” When nobody stepped forward, he exclaimed to the waiter as they headed for the door, “Weedun chayanged ar miyands; yer pryces ar wayy two friken hi!”

 

 

      Once again, thanks to dip-s**t Earle Edgar, we’re on the run, Jimmy thought. They had risked returning to their hotel room to grab their belongings, and as they were crossing the parking lot, slowly so as not to attract any unwanted attention, several police cars whipped past them and screeched to a halt by the front door of the hotel. Once again, they had narrowly avoided being caught. Unfortunately, when they ran to their vehicle, it turned out that Earle Edgar would be driving. Jimmy would’ve insisted they switch, so he could drive, but Earle Edgar had already headed for the driver’s door, and everyone was in a big hurry to get out of there, so he piled into the passenger’s seat, just in front of Oren, and Earle Edgar slid behind the wheel.

     “Howeled owen to sumpin, an beyand ovar an kis yer awes guudb---err---maybee dats nott sutch an guud won; hayang owen!”

     And Jimmy and Oren had luckily just fastened their seat belts before Earle Edgar floored the gas pedal, and their heads were snapped back.

     “Take it easy, Earle Edgar!” yelled Jimmy, just before their car went flying across the parking lot; and slid out right in front of an arriving police car.

     As their car accelerated rapidly away from the hotel, flashing lights and a siren followed them.

     “Way to go Earle Edgar; guess who’s right on our tail?” Oren said.

     “Wat ar wi awl ov an sudin, an buncha friken fiyash? Noe tym fer yer bulsheit storys, Oran; inn cayas yew haavnt notised, dars an friken powlyse carr rite beehynd uss!”

     “This is flirting with disaster!” Oren said.

     “Sheut yer pye-whole!”

     They went screaming through town, and onto a rural highway; the police car in hot pursuit. Jimmy was hanging on to his door handle, thinking, 'This car isn’t designed for this kind of abuse!'

     Oren was thinking, we’re going way, way too fast!'

     Earle Edgar was thinking, 'Cowem onn, ya werthliss peece ov sheit, muuv!

 

 

      They went screaming through a neighborhood where children and animals had to scammper out of the roadway.

     “Slow down, Earle Edgar, can’t you see the children playing?” said an alarmed Jimmy Reno.

     “Yeya, Eye cee dem, an thay haddam wel betor git owet ov da friken wayy, oar weer goen ta haav an neew hud oarnemint!” replied Earle Edgar, as the car took a hair-pin curve up on two wheels.

     “Jimmy’s right, you’d better slow this thing down!” agreed Oren Trough.

     “Eyea sayad, shuet uwep; ifn ya donut lyke da wayy Eyema drieven, yew tayk itt!”, responded Earle Edgar, and he let go of the wheel.

      “No!” both Jimmy and Oren shouted.

      “Den shueut da hel up!” Earle Edgar admonished, and grabbed the steering wheel and cranked it to the right, just in time for the car to barely miss a concrete post along side the road. The car went swerving back onto the asphault; barely making a hair-pin turn, before a drop-off down to the nearby lake, the tortured tires leaving a trail of burned rubber behind. In the rearview mirror, Earle Edgar watched as the police car following them failed to make the last corner and went sailing out into the lake.

 

 

     Officer Freddy Callahan pushed the accelerator to the floor. 'Dirty Freddy' as was his nickname, was in hot pursuit of the suspects, and he stayed right on their bumper. The suspect driving had to be stopped; he was driving like a madman, flying ba***-out through a neighborhood filled with both children and pets. Apparentely, the crazy b*****d didn’t care who might get hurt, as long as he got away. Look at that crazy son of a b***h; the car almost up on two wheels an---

     “Holy s***!” he managed before the pavement ended and the lake began; the lake he was now soaring high above. He had failed to see the corner until it was too late to turn. His screams of terror filled the car as he plunged towards the water. Then he hit the water, and his airbag deployed. He was thrown violently forward, and felt the soft embrace of the airbag instead of the hard kiss of metal. Suddenly the police car was floating, and water was rapidly filling the compartment. He had to get out! He unbuckled his seatbelt and pulled fratically at the door handle. It wouldn’t budge. The water level was up to his chest and rising fast. The car was going under.

     Come on, you b*****d, open! he thought. The water level rose till it started to cover the windows. Then in a panic, and driven by fear, he grabbed his long-handled metal flashlight and swung it at the window. Immediately, ice-cold lake water sprayed in through cracks in the window. It was about to let go; again, he smashed the metal flashlight against the window. This time, the window broke completely, ice-cold lake water poured in. He pushed out what little was left of the glass, then swam away as the police car rose up; its rear bumper high out of the water, and then rapidly sank to the bottom, where it landed, right side up; the red and blue flashing lights still turning; and still clearly visible through the clear lake water. Freddy Callahan took a deep breath of sweet air, and swam gratefully for the shore.

 

 

     The highway stretched out before them; they didn’t know where they were heading; just out of town. Earle Edgar switched on the radio, and tuned it to a news station, just in time to hear,

     “...should be considered armed and dangerous! Last seen driving a green 1975 Battleaxe, with several spots of primer. Suspects have been identified as Earle Edgar Nekk; height approximately 5-6; weight; approximately 225 pounds; hair; reddish-brown and balding, wearing a jeans and a blue tee-shirt. Nekk is the ex-Governor of Alabama: last seen in the company of two as-of-yet unidentified persons. Unidentified Suspect 1: Height; approximately 6-5; weight approximately 130 pounds; hair: black, wearing jeans, and a green shirt. Suspect is probably a failed comic, with the annoying habit of not realizing he’s not funny, and laughing at his own jokes: Unknown Suspect 2: height; approximately 6’; weight; approximately 180 pounds; hair; brown, wearing black slacks and a white dress shirt. This suspect makes little to no sense when speaking. Here’s a photograph of the three suspects, taken by the security camara of La Steakoso Expresso Restaurant, located in the lobby of The Hotel Fabiloso here in the city of Prong. If seen, please contact the Prong Police, or the FBI. The identified suspect, Earl Edgar Nekk, was identified by the use of his name. In other news, Hard-Hitting Action News has learned that the overpowering stench here in Prong is due to the garbage stri---”

     Earle Edgar switched off the radio, and glared at Jimmy Reno. “Woos da dum-ayas dat yewsed mi reel nayam?”

     “Why, you did; at the restaurant.”

     “Owa yeya.”

     “It wouldn’t have made much difference; they still would have eventually identified you from the surveillance video at the restaurant. The way I see it, the first thing we need to do is to get rid of this car; like a sore thumb on your left hand, it sticks out!” Oren said.

     “Wy donut yew juss sheut yer friken moweth; wat yew juss sayad iss peyre bulsheit, butt won ting iss acurete; wee nede ta git ridd ov dis basterd!”, Earle Edgar said, hitting the dashboard, and they all agreed, so he pulled the car into a parking lot for a bowling alley.

     “Weel juss steel won,” he then said.

 

      They were perusing the parking lot under cover of the night, and once again, Jimmy and Earle Edgar were having a slight disagreement over the type of vehicle they should boost.

      “I think we should be as low-key as possible; this small generic hatchback would be perfect,” Jimmy said.

    “Eyema nott goen ta driiv dat but-ugily pyle ov excremant; Eye wanna swyep sumthin kool-lukin; wat abowet dis fore-weel driyav monstor truk?”

     “Are you kidding? Tell me you’re not serious; if we stole that thing, we’d be surrounded by police within seconds; it stand out too much!”

     “Awa, yer juss an chikin-sheit; yer probly juss afrade two ryde inn iyet, cawas itt wuud hawel ays!”

     “Okay, we might as well just turn ourselves in, because driving that behemouth; we’d be in jail within 10 minutes!”

     “Owakay, Eyll sayy da jowk ifn yew wowent, 'Tern arseffs inta wat?' eh, ha ha! Noe, weer goen ta steel sumpin kool; Eyeva decydid, an dats da wayy itl bee. Beecides, haav Eye evar steerid ya rong beefour?

     “Yes!”

     “Shuet uwp!”

     “Well, you asked!”

     “Yeya, Eye gess Eye wawaked rite inta dat won; howw wud Oran sayy itt? Owa, yeya, lyk an cheep suut!”

     “Hey, shut up!” cut in Oren.

     “Noe, yew shuyet upp!” replied Earle Edgar.

     “Hey, I’ve got a great idea; why don’t you both shut up?” asked Jimmy. Ordinarily, a tired saying like that would crack him up, but Jimmy was hacked; both at the juvenile exchange between Earle Edgar and Oren; and also at the news report he’d seen earlier on television. So, he was a 'failed' comedien, was he? Those dumb reporters; they wouldn’t know funny if it took a dump in their shoe. Like hell he wasn’t funny!

 

 

     Detective Roger Girder sat with his feet up on his cluttered desk. He’s seen and heard it all in his 26 years as a member of the Prong Police. He’d risen from his early days as a fresh-faced Prong High School student who volunteered his time making coffee, cleaning the floors, and scrubbing the toilets; to now being the senior detective on the force. It hardly seemed possible that it had been 26 years! The phone on his desk rang; maybe it was a case. So far this morning, he’d read and reread the one-page sports section of The Prong Daily. The headline had screamed,

     “Prong 5 Stick it to Frail City!”

     Wow, high school badmitten; he couldn’t wait for football to start. He answered the ringing telephone.

     “Prong Police Department, Detective Girder speaking.”

     Suddenly a nails-on-a-chalkboard voice came flying out of the reciever to assault his ears.

     “You forgot to take the garbage out before you left for work this morning!”

     Wonderful: It was his sea-hag of a wife! He’d been shackled to Amy for 25 of his 26 years on the force. Oh well, at least he’d had one good year!

     “Yes, dear; I’m sorry and I’ll take it out the first thing I get home.”

     “You always 'forget' to do something. Well, why am I even surprised? Oh, and if you’d be so kind,” she added sarcatically; “swing by the Prong Market and bring home a half-gallon of milk; that is if you’re not too busy!”

     Suddenly, he became deperate for a case. “Yes, dear; anything else?”

     “Oh, no, I wouldn’t want to overtax your brain!”

     S***, “Okay dear, I’ll see you tonight.”

     “Oh boy, I can hardly wait!” she replied, and slammed the reciever down. Girder sat listening to the dial tone for a while; it was so much more relaxing!

     Then he slipped the receiver back on the hook; and sat there numb. 'Why me?' he thought.

 

 

     Jimmy and Oren sat 6 feet above the roadway, in the cab of the huge 4-wheel-drive truck which Earle Edgar had hot-wired. They had left their car behind, and now where riding in the stolen monster-truck. Earle Edgar was driving, as Jimmy hadn't been thinking about anything, except how stupid it was to steal something so attenton-grabbing.

     This is ludicrist, Jimmy thought.  Calling all cars; calling all cars; be on the lookout for a bright blue 4-wheel-drive massive truck with 3 suspects riding at least 10 feet above the ground, almost with their heads above the cloud ceiling!

     And now, Earle Edgar was purposing they return to Prong and resume their theiving ways.

     “...sew lyke Eyewas sayyin, wi shud sliyap quyetely bak inta Proweng an stiyek uwp an joynt. Iyat wood bee da lass ting de athoritys wood bee expeckten uss two dew.”

     “Yeah, sort of like an extra birthday party!” added Oren.

     What? Jimmy thought.

     Wat? Earle Edgar thought. “Eyeya tink Eye saww sum graate an eesi playces fer robben.”

     This was madness, “Well I think we should just put as many miles behind us as we can,” responded Jimmy.

     “Wel Eyea nevur thawt Eyed cee da dayy wen Jimy Reeno wuz two a frade two roweb an playac!”

 

 

     The streetlights of Prong were casting light on objects, distorting their shadows until they looked like some sort of lurking demons, as the three criminal masterminds made their way through Prong’s deserted streets. The unbelievably-loud sound of the truck’s engine echoed from the walls of nearby-buildings and bounced back to them.

     “Yeah, really quiet; we shouldn’t be noticed at all!” Jimmy snidely said.

     “Wel sheit; Eyea nevur expectid dis!”

 

 

     Detective Roger Girder of the Prong Police grabbed up the ringing phone. He thought, 'Please be something; anything, to do to take my mind off that witch I’m married too!' “Prong Police; Detective Girder speaking.”

     “Roger, this is Captain Over; I’m at the hospital. Officer Callahan is suffering from hypothermia. His squad car is at the bottom of Landfill Lake; where it landed after flying off the roadway as he was in hot pursuit of a trio of armed suspects. The suspects are also wanted for questioning in a series of armed robberies all around Prong. They fled the city, but a huge 4X4 truck was seen driving through the downtown area of Prong, with persons matching the suspects’ descriptions inside. I want you to investigate.”

     Hallaluaha, “Yes sir, I’m on it; you can rest assured that I won’t rest or even go home until the suspects’ are safely behind bars!”

 

 

     They had pulled up to the Lucky Stiff Motel and the behemouth truck lugged it’s way across the parking lot, to where there were two open spots; for that was what it would take to park the thing.

     “Yew goe inn an paya fer an ruum, wile Eyel staya owet heer wid dis bich,” Earl Edgar told Jimmy.

     Oren nodded and added, “Yeah, and I’ll just sit here; like the third wheel on a log.”

 

 

 

 

     Jimmy left to check them in, and Earle Earle Edgar turned to Oren; his face grave. “Luuk, ya sum ov an bich, ya mite bee frens wid Jimy, butt yer noe frend ov myan. Yewve bin nuttin butt an payan inn mi bayaksiid, an Eyed juss lyk ta mayak sumpin abundentaly cleer; ya git inn mi wayy, Eyema goen rite ovar yer ayas! Juss wach yer steyup; dew Eye maak miseff cleer?”

     “Crystal!”

     “Guud; den we haav a agremint!”

 

 

     Oren was super-happy to see Jimmy return. He slid into the truck, and Oren was trapped between him and Earle Edgar, who was all smiles.

     “Hiya, Jimy, howwd itt goe?”

     Jimmy replied, “Fine, and I rented us a room with 3 bedrooms, under false names.”

     Hanging around Prong was absolutely moronic, but then it had been Earle Edgar’s idea, so there you go!

     “Owaya? Dew dayye haav veews ov da pewel?”

     “How in the hell am I supposed to know if they have a pool? What’s the difference?”

     “Owa, nuttin; Eyea reeli donut kare.”

     Oren almost spoke up, but then he remembered what Earle Edgar had said to him and kept his thoughts to himself.  Earle Edgar wants to check out the female wildlife.

 

 

     Detective Roger Girder knew his instructions from Captain Over; locate the three suspects and bring them in quietly for a tune-up---err--questioning. The first thing he would do is check out all the motels and hotels in the Prong area, to see if they were stupid enough to hang around the city. He had his doubts; that would be unbelievably stupid. The three would have to be absolute idiots to hang around so the Prong Police could find them. No, he didn’t believe the sighting was of them. They were probably hundreds of miles away by now.

 

 

     “Wrap Yourself in The Restful Arms of Prong!” shouted the advertisement billboard the three wanted fugitives read on their way to a restaurant that had grabbed Earle Edgar’s attention, the drive-through Surfer Jared’s Surf and Turf Restaurant. Jimmy thought it would have been far safer for them to just lie low in their motel room; but Earle Edgar had stuck to his guns.

     “Eyel tel ya wat; Eyll bee damed ifn Eyema goenta siyat heer lyk sum soret ov crimanel!”

     “But Earle Edgar, that’s exactly what we are,” responded Jimmy; “and we have to get used to the idea that we’re no longer going to be able to just do what we please.” 'I used to be a carefree guy, but having to babysit this imbecil here,' looking at Earle Edgar; 'has my humor flight grounded!'

     “Aya, buelsheit; Eyea wanta sumpin gud ta eet, an Eyella bee damed ifn Eye kant hav itt,” Earle Edgar replied.

     Jimmy knew that Earle Edgar had made up his mind and nothing he could say was going to change his mind; so he tried one last tactic. “What do you think, Oren?”

     Oren Trough started to reply, “We’d be stupid if we wen---”.  Abruptly, he saw the threatening look on Earle Edgars’ face, and remembered his threat about crossing him. “Ah, we’d be stupid if we went much longer without a meal. I’m hungry, so I’d vote we find something to eat. Let’s go.”

     “I still think it’s a mistake, but I can see I’m out voted, so let’s go then,” Jimmy dejectedly replied.

 

 

     Earle Edgar peered through the windshield of the big 4X4 truck he was driving down the city street. Guiding would be closer to the truth; for the monster-truck seemed to have a mind of its own, and Earle Edgar, Jimmy Reno, and Oren Trough were only along for the ride. Already, the self-steering truck had been pointed in roughly the right direction by Earle Edgar, and had proceeded to run any vehicle unlucky enough to be driving at the same time right off the road. Now Earle Edgar was turning the steering wheel in the general direction of the drive-thru of Surfer Jared’s Surf and Turf Restaurant. As the truck started down the drive-thru lane, which curved around the restaurant, it plowed over several paper boxes, and crushed them as it lurched a stop in front of the speaker. After a few seconds, the sound of laughter could be heard, and then the voice of a teenager announced,

     “Welcome to Jared’s Surf and Turf; can I take your order?”

     Jimmy immediately thought, where are you going to take it?  But then he thought, This is no time for clowning around; if the cops see us, we’re busted!

     “Yeya, weed lyke, awa, wat wuud yew lyk, Jimy?”

     “I don’t care; just order me something quick.”

     “Aya, wat dew yew haav dat uwest ta bee fayast; beefour ya klubed itt ded?”

     “Pardon me?” answered the voice.

     “No, I meant fast to prepare,” whispered Jimmy.

     “Owa, nevur mynd, juss maak itt an cheezburar. An wat abowet yew, Oran?”

     “I’d like the same as Jimmy.”

     “Owakay, maak itt tew cheezburgar’s, an Eyel haav da Ciklops Basskit”

     “Sir, the Cyclops Basket only comes with 1 piece of fish, and is for children. Might I suggest something a little more substantial?”

     “Ar yew trine ta tel mi ta ordar sumten dat suks evun moor?”

     After a pause to think over what Earle Edgar had just replied, the voice answered, “Not substandard; substantial! Wouldn’t you care to order something with a little more food?”

     “Owa, Eye cee wat ya ment. Inn dat cayas, giiv mi Da Famly ov Ciklopses Meel”

     “Sir, that meal is to feed a family of 4. Are you sure that’s what you want to order?”

     “Wat da hel iz dis; ar yew trine ta sayy Eyeva gowt a eeten problam? Wel Eyema nott goen ta siyat heer an bee caweld a shayplis bloweb bye sum sixeteen-yeer-oweld puyunk woo tinks hees gowet awl da answars. Eyl tel ya wat, yew insultin basterd, yew kan kiyas uss guudbye; wel goe sumware els dat wawants ar muny! An Eye wuz juss bein feecees weyan Eyea saad ya culd kiyas uss guudbye; yew sowend lyk ta mite bee a flayamer!”

     They heard nothing but static from the speaker, and then the voice said, “Ah, I’m sorry, I---”

     “Yew suur ar!” replied Earle Edgar, and throwing the truck into gear, they took off. Unfortunately, the gear he’d thown it into was reverse, and they went flying backwards, jumped the curb, and plowed into the building. The truck at last came to a halt by where the fry cook was cooking. The astonished cook stared in disbelief at the big blue monster that had come through the wall. Earle Edgar, now recovered from the shock, shouted out the window,

     “Eye fourgot ta tel da gie howeld da pikles owen wowen ov da cheezbergars!”

 

     Then the monster machine shot forward, dragging paper boxes, chairs, and several other assorted objects lodged beneath it, out to the drive-thru lane, and out onto the street; where several cars had to swerve to avoid a collision.