Eye Ahem Da Guvner; Chapter Four

Chapter Four:

 

     Earle Edgar approached the front door of the two-story house with trepidation. He had made an arrangement with Hacker to be dropped off in town, and then to be picked up at 4.30, at a pre-arranged place, as all he had to drive was Jimmy’s camper. He had opened the sack of the zebra meat he was supposed to use to make a sell, and he’d gagged at the horrible rancid smell emanating from it.

     Howely sheit! he thought.

     How was he supposed to sell crap if the crap smell like crap? But maybe it just smelled bad to him. He’d been fighing a bad cold.

     The doorbell chimed, and Earle Edgar waited a couple of seconds and then the door was answered by a friendly-looking woman,

     “Yes?”

     “Yeyas, gud mornen maym, mi naams Browek Slaytar, an tudayy, Eye em prowed ta bee sellin an neww kynd ov delacasy; kann Eye showa yew mi meet?”

     The woman looked him up and down and answered, “Pervert!” Then she wheeled and slammed the door in his face.

     “Ples mam, lett mi showa yew mi meet!” he shouted through the closed door. He always got this reaction; he just couldn’t understand it. He was going to try one more house for today. If he got the kind of unfriendly response he expected, he’d try a different approach tomorrow, if he even went out tomorrow. He knocked on the door, bone-tired from lugging the sample bag of meat all over town. He was fully expecting the usual reaction once he started his sales spiel, but was surprised when the lady who’d answered the door replied,

     “Yay, Ied liek two se yor meate, wud ya lyke ta com iwn?”

     “Okaye, tanks fer yer tyme aniwayy,” and he started to leave dejectedy. He had taken a couple of steps, for he was so used to rejection, before he realized she’d said yes, and had asked him if he would like to come in. He turned to face her saying,

     “Yaya, Eyed lik dat vari mutch.” He looked at her more closely. Dis chik iz dummer dan an bryk sheithowse!   Then he looked at her closer, she was beautiful; her long blond hair hung down, framing a perfect body. As he watched her walk ahead of him towards the house, his eyes took in the gorgeous rear that it seemed he could just reach out and touch. He was transfixed. Then she spoke again,

     “Iyam lokken forwrd to cheken owt yor meet.”

     Owe wel, a gui cayent hav evaryting!

 

 

     Meanwile, Ed Hacker was trying to figure out a way to get Jimmy Reno out and away from the camper. Part one of his plan to hide the stolen gems in the camper was accomplished; getting Brock Slater out of the way. He’d dropped Slater off, and now he was out trying to sell rotten hamburger as “zebra meat”. What a moron! Now he was confronted with this challenge. As he was puzzling over this, he slowly was coming up with a plan in his head. Jimmy Reno heard Mr. Hacker calling him from outside. He put down the book he was reading; “100 Hundred Ways to Make a Boatload of Cash, Easily and Almost-Legally”. Quickly, he went to the camper’s door and opened it.

     “Thank god I caught you.”

     Am I going somewhere I’m not aware of? thought Jimmy.

     “Brock just called me, and I’m supposed to tell you, something’s come up, and he wants you to walk down and meet him at Jumpstart Expresso in town. You can’t take your camper because somebody carelessly parked behind you and blocked you in.”

     In reality, he’d parked his friend’s car behind the camper while Jimmy was busy. “I complained to the police, and they promised to have it towed away, but said it could take a couple of hours, and I’d loan you my car, but I’m meeting someone in 15 minutes, and it’s completely in the other direction. I’ll be meeting Brock at 4.30, when his selling day is over, so I can bring you both back here.”

     Reno got a funny look on his face, and for a moment, Hacker thought he was actually going to think it through and question why Brock would need his help for on anything, but he said at last,

     “Gee, thanks Mr Hacker, I wonder what Brock’s problem is?”

     “I’ve often wondered the same thing.”

     “What?”

     “Nothing; you’d better get a move on; it’s 3 miles into Roswell.”

     “Yeah, is The Jumpstart the place straight down the road with the guy with his head ringed by electric sparks on the sign?”

     “Yeah, that’s the place.”

 

 

     Finally, Hacker’s recently-thought-up plan had suceeded. The hot gems from the jewelery store robbery were hidden in Slater and Reno’s camper. The police suspected him, and so were watching all roads out of town for his car, but wouldn’t bat an eyelash at seeing an out-of-state camper driving out of town. All he’d have to do was locate the 2 idiots, and get the jewels back; then take care of the witless---err---witnesses! The cops had had a search warrant to search his property, but had found nothing. That was because he’d hidden the gems way out in the woods, and had snuck back out there late last night; retrieved them, and this morning had hidden them in a hole in Slater’s matress after Reno had left.

 

     Earle Edgar had arrived at the pre-arranged spot to be picked up precicely at 4.28 pm. He knew that because he’d kept looking at his watch. He had fallen into the habit because he’d kept glancing at it while visiting the moron lady; willing the time to move faster. He’d been anxious to get to know his pretty client better, after she’d invited him in so he could show her his meat, but after a couple of minutes, he was regretting his choice, for she was, without a doubt, the single most ignorant moron he’d ever met. He should have been tipped off when she’d first opened her mouth, but he was so enamured of her looks, he chose to ignore the warning bells that were ringing in his head,

     Dis laydee iz an moor owen! he thought.

 

 

     When he thought back to their conversation, he winced: “Sew yew wood lik tew cee mi meet? Whell, heer itt iz.”

     She’d replied, “Wayet; beefor wee git dowen too biznus, shuldnt wee git too knoww eech uthar a bitt betor? Wud yoo lik a glas ofe wyne?”

     He thought, Wat inn da hel iz shee tawken aboutt?   “Kno tank yew. Eyea donut tutch da stuf sinc Eye uppchuked onn itt wen Eye wuz a teinagerr.”

     Ife tats hiss ideea ofe a pikup lyne, thates aboute tha lameist Iva evar herd!, she thought. “Maybee wee culd juss talke awile.”

     Wel kno sheit! he thought, what the hell else was she expecting from a door-to-door meat salesmen? “Yeya, Eyed lyke ta beegin by telen yew ubout da wunders ov zeebra meet.”

     And it went downhill from there, until at last it was 4.20, and he could take his leave to meet Hacker at the pre-arranged pick-up spot. He thought she’d actually looked relieved when he’d said he had to get going, but then, he’d been so glad to get away from her, maybe he’d read the situation wrong. At any rate, he said a quick goodbye, without showing her the sample of the zebra meat he was trying to sell her. She was such a ditz; he didn’t want her to order some, just so he’d have to come back. He was glad to be rid of the total moron.

 

 

     Hacker had picked up Jimmy at The Jumpstart, and told him there must have been some misunderstanding on his part, when Jimmy had asked him why Brock hadn’t been there.

 

 

     At 4.32, Hacker arrived at the place he’d agreed to meet Earle Edgar.

     “Hello, Brock, how did the selling go?”

     “Helo, Mistar Hyaker, nottt tew wel. Eyeya dident maak an singal saal! Sayy, Eyema surpriesed ta cee yew heer, Jimy!”

     “I was tol---”

     Hacker quickly interrupted, “Oh, that’s too bad. Well, maybe you’ll have better luck tomorrow.”

     “Eyea ned tew tawk tew yew ubout tumorrow.”

 

     Earle Egar had had enough. As much as he would have liked to prove to Hacker he was a natural salesman with the gift of gab, nothing was worth putting up with customers as dumb as the one today. As they drove back to where their camper was parked, Earle Edgar said,

     “Sew yew cee Mistar Hyaker, Eyev gott tew quitt. Eye wand tew tank yew fer trine ta hep mi git muny, butt Eye juss tink dares sumpen owt dare, an itts calen mi.”

     Hacker would be glad to see them leave town, but replied, “Oh no, that’s bad news for us, but I understand. We at Condensed Meats will try to carry on without someone with your sales ability, although I wish you’d reconsider.”

     “Wel Eye shirly dew apreeceat yer kindd ov werds butt Eyeva mayad mi desison. Eyema giten roed fevar.”

     Jimmy thought silently, you don’t appreciate it, and don’t call me Shirley!

     Thank you, whoever’s making these idiots leave, thought Hacker. “We here at Condensed Meats are going to miss you both. I wish I could change your minds, but I wish you luck, in whatever the future may hold for you. I’d like for you guys to keep the meat sample, and, because you’ve been a great employee, here’s a $100 bonus. By the way, have you given any thought as to where you’re headed?”

     “Wel, Eye thot wee mite hed fer Wawashinton Stayet, juss cuz Eye hav awl wayss wantid tew cee Mownt Rayneer; owe, an tank yew fer da meet.”

     “You are quite welcome; it seems like the least we can do.” The very least! replied Hacker; “And as for Mt. Raineer, I’ve heard it’s quite a sight.” 'Well, at least I have an idea where they may be heading, although I’ll get those gems back well before then, so they’ll never get that far. It was well worth the hundred bucks!' he thought.

 

 

     He’d given Slater a bonus, so any suspicions he might have had would be forgotten. They had pulled into the house who’s driveway they were borrowing and Hacker’s little boy came running out, yelling,

     “Daddy, daddy, you’ve got a phone call!”

     S***! His son was supposed to stay out of sight. He had to make these two morons think this was an employees’ place. He was parking at a place through the woods, and sneaking up to the back door.

     “Ah, why don’t you go bother somebody else kid; did you forget to take your medication again?”

     “What?” replied his son.

     “That’s just the neighbor boy. He’s got some disease where he thinks everyone’s his father.”

     “No I don’t daddy, you’re really wanted on the phone.”

     “Eh, ha, ha, he’ll shut up if you just ignore him.”

     “Daddy!”

     “Ow, for christ’s sake, how many times do I have to put up with this crap? For the last time; Luke, I am not your father!”

     The boy took off running, crying, and went in the front door of the mobile home. Hacker quickly said,

     “Oh, I must have left the door unlocked when I went inside to check on the place last time. The boy sneaks in and pretends he actually lives here, the poor b*****d!”

     S***; ever since his mother had taken off with that biker musician, he’d had Luke to care for. He was getting himself in deeper; no one, no matter how dense, would buy this load of crap.

     “Reali? Thatz teribal; wel wee beyast bee leeven noww. Sew longe an tanks agane, Mistar Hyaker.”

     Then again!

 

 

     The camper rolled out of Roswell, passing several police cars by the side of the road, and Earle Edgar remarked, “Eyeva nevur ceen sew mani copp karrs. Da kopps muss bee luken fer an bayd-as kryminel, butt dat donut censern uss.”

 

 

     In the dark brown and lime-green pickup, Ronny Rowlandtree took out his binoculars and peered at the camper in front of them. They’d been hired by Ed Hacker to follow the camper and notify Hacker where they stopped for the night. Hacker hadn’t told them why, but had told them there was $10,000 bucks in it for them, so they didn’t ask too many questions. His partner, Henry Livengood, said,

     “It looks like they’re pulling over down that old logging road; maybe we should call Hacker; it’s getting dark.”

     Ronny was about to agree, when he suddenly had a better idea. If Hacker wanted to know where the camper parked for the evening, whoever those two were must be carrying something mighty valuable.

     “Henry, we’re not going to be calling Hacker.”

     “We’re not?”

     “No, because we’re going to find whatever Hacker wants so bad, and keep it for ourselves.”

 

 

     They had found an old logging road, and were driving along it. There must be some place ahead where they could park for the night. Jimmy wasn’t paying any attention; he was distracted. He was worried about money; his was gone, and he knew Earle Edgar didn’t have any.

     “Say Earle?”

     “Eral.”

     “Eh, ha, ha, I told you it was funny! Speaking of funny, how about me looking for a gig; we’re out of money, and we should put my comedy skills to work for us so we can earn some.”

     Earle Edgar thought, graat, dars awl Eye nead, trine ta keepe yew frum maken aayes owt ov yersef!  “Owe, Eye kno wee ar hurten, butt Eyeva gott anudder idiah.” 'Tink, tink!' “Awa, mi granmutter livs in Sawaletlayk Cyti, an Eye aint ceen hur inn an longe tym. Eye wuz tinken dat wee shud payy hera viset. Shee wuz loded wen Eye wuz an kidd, an shee mite hep uss owet.”

 

 

     Ronny Rowlandtree and his partner, Henry Livengood, pulled up to where they could see the camper go around a corner. They crept cautiously around the corner to follow, and saw the camper turn down a dirt road running into a field.

     “Now we’ve got the b******s trapped,” said Rowlandtree, and pulled their pickup into the entrance to the dirt road.

 

 

     Jimmy Reno saw the saw the dark brown and lime-green pickup pulling onto the road behind them, and remarked, “There’s a pickup behind us, Earle Edgar, and, if it wasn’t so threatening, that color-scheme would be comical. Dark brown and lime green?”

     Earle Edgar looked in his passenger-side mirror, and said, “Sayy, doze guis ar probly upp tew kno gud.”

     “Okay, those guys are probably up to no good.”

     “Wood yew bee sirious fer wonce?”

 

 

    They stopped when the road petered out to nothing more than a tiny trail, and Earle Edgar said, “Eyema gowin bak dar an cee wat deese basterds wante.”

 

 

     They were following the camper, when it slowed and came to a stop. “You got your gun?” Rowlandtree asked Livengood.

     “Yeah,” replied Livengood.

     “Good, come on, let’s go find out what these guys are carrying that’s worth so much to Hacker.”

     They got out and started walking towards the hemmed-in camper. Suddenly, the passenger door flew open and an angry-looking guy came stomping towards them, shouting,

     “Wat da hel dew yew guis wante?”

     Rowlandtree raised his gun, and snarled, “Shut up, man. What we want is a look inside your camper.”

     The angry-looking guy stopped in surprise, and said, “Wi? Dares nutten in dare.”

     “If you don’t mind, we’d like to see for ourselves.”

     Meanwhile, Henry Livengood had continued up to the driver’s window and tapped the glass with his gun. Jimmy Reno rolled it down and asked,

     “Is there something I can help you with?”

     “Yeah, would you happen to know the fastest way to die? It’s to not do exactly what I tell you!”

     “Okay, keep your skivvies on!” answered Jimmy.

     “Come on, out!” yelled Livengood, and he jerked Jimmy by his arm and sent him sprawling onto the knee-high grass. He then grabbed Jimmy’s collar and yanked him to his feet, then shoved him towards where Earle Edgar sat between the two rigs; and while Ronny went to search the camper, he kept an eye on the two prisoners. Ronny Rowlandtree went up to the rear door of the camper, and tried to open it. It was locked. He whirled around and shouted back to Jimmy,

     “Okay, give me the keys!”

     “And if I refuse?”

     Rowlandtree quickly bent down and picked up a large rock, and slammed it down onto the door handle. The handle broke off and the door swung wide open.

     “Oh,” said Jimmy, as Rowlandtree gave Jimmy a withering glance and heaved himself up into the camper.

 

 

     A very angry-looking Ronnie Rowlandtree stormed from the camper’s open door,

“Okay, where is it?”

     “Wares whate?” answered Earle Edgar.

     “Don’t play dumb with me!”

     “Eyem nott playin dum!”

     How very true! Rowlandtree thought. “Whatever it is that’s worth enough to make Ed Hacker want you guy’s followed.”

     “Eyema sory, Eye hav absolutily kno idia wat yer talken aboute.”

     “Look, don’t try to get cute with m---”

     His comment faded away as a strange glowing sphere appeared out of nowhere and hovered over them. Then a glowing beam of white light descended, and some creatures with tiny, alien-looking heads on reptile-like bodies started to descend, apparently held aloft by the white light.

     “Wwwaatt dddaaa hhheeelll aaarrr dddooozzeee tttiiinnngggsss?” cried a frightened-out-of-his-gourde Earle Edgar Nekk.

     “Aliens,” answered Jimmy Reno.

     “Wwweeelll nnnooo ssshhheeeiiittt!”

     Ronny Rowlandtree and Henry Livengood gaped up at the hovering sphere and crapped their drawers in utter fright.

     “Run!” yelled Rowlandtree.

     Livengood replied, “You don’t have to ask me twice!”

     They took off running, the glowing light expanded to encircle them, and suddenly Ronny and Henry were sucked up into the alien craft on the beam of light; along with the aliens who’d descended. The last alien seemed to nod his tiny head towards Earle Edgar and Jimmy Reno, and then it too was sucked up into the hovering space craft, followed by the beam of light; the craft signalled a left turn, and shot left and up into the clear New Mexico skies.

     A stunned Earle Edgar said, “Letts nevur tel aniwone wat wee saww heer tunite, cuz nowon wuld beeleev itt; hel, Eyema nott sur Eye beeleeve itt eethor!”

 

 

     They had driven the robber’s pickup truck off the road into the grass, and backed the camper up onto the logging road and headed back to the highway, and were on the drive towards Salt Lake City. As the road disappeared behind then, both men sat in the silence of their own thoughts. That evening’s events seemed like they’d never happened, but the tied-down camper door said otherwise.

 

 

     They pulled into Salt Lake City at around 3am. Jimmy started to pull off the road so they could wait for a decent hour, but Earle Edgar gave him a look, and said, “Wat ar yew doen? Goe tew mi granmuthers howes.”

     “But don’t you think it’s kind of early?” answered Jimmy.

     “Awe, noe, shee hais all wayys goten upp earaly fore hir jobb ayat da flayek jakit planet; shee shuld bee awak.”

 

 

     They pulled into the address that Earle Edgar thought he remembered and stopped. Earle Edgar and Jimmy got out and strolled up to the front door.

     “This doesn’t look right; there’s several cars in the driveway, and there’s no lights on inside,” said Jimmy.

     “Eyma telen ya, dis iz da playce.”

     “Okay.”

     Earle Edgar knocked on the door. After a few seconds, a male voice asked hashly,

     “Who’s there?”

     Earle Egar answered, “Eyes Asstrids gransun; iz shee dare?”

     There was no answer, then whispers from beyond the door; then bullets splintered the wood door, and a shocked Earle Edgar yelled from the grass where he and Jimmy had dove, luckily without any bullet holes,

     “Eyel tayk dat a*s an noe!”

 

 

     When they had safely crawled away and got swiftly into their camper, Earle Edgar looked up the street as they were fleeing the gunfire, and pointed to another house. “Mayebee dats da howes. Eye aiyent binn heer fer sew longe dat Eye mite hav binn misikan.”

     Jimmy shot him a dirty look and replied, “Either your grandma is shacking up with Machine Gun Kelly, or you probably had the wrong house. Eh, ha, ha!” He was just glad to be alive.

     Earle Edgar replied, seriously, “Eye dowet vari mutch dat granmaws shaken upp wid dis Machene Gunn Kellie, oar anywon els fer dat matar, cowes shee luvd mi grampa tew mutch.”

     Kidding! thought Jimmy.

 

 

     He drove the camper towards the house Earle Edgar had pointed to. Jimmy doubted this was the right house either, when he spotted a behemouth 4-wheel drive pickup with a gun rack in the rear window, and the doors must have been 5 feet in the air. As they pulled up to the curb and sat staring at the house, trying to determine whether this was it, a white-haired lady came out of the front door and got a step ladder that was propped up nearby and climbed in the 4-wheel drive.

     “Grammaw!” shouted Earle Edgar, and quickly jumped out the door and ran towards the 4x4.

     Jimmy saw the door to the 4X4 fly open, and there stood grandma, holding something in her hand. As Earle Edgar got right up close to her, she flung up her arm and let loose a jet of mace, which caught the unsuspecting Earle Edgar right in the face.

     “Awo, awo, awo!” he screamed, and began clawing at his eyes like a blinded animal. “Ahhhhh,” he screamed. “Eyema bliynd!” then he fell to the ground.

     Then his grandma yelled, “That’s what you get for trying to mug an old lady!”

     “Grammaw, itts mi, Earal Edger!”

     “Don’t try that, 'It’s me, Earle Edgar' stuff on me, you young punk!”

     “Kno, itts reeli mee!”

     She started to angrily reply and then stopped. “Earle Edgar, is that you?”

     You’re just a bit too late! Jimmy thought.

     Grandma Nekk threw down the mace, and cried, “Earle Edgar, land sakes, child, I didn’t reconize you. I’ve missed you!”

     Earle Edgar stood with tears running down his face, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve, and replied, “Noe grammaw, ya hitt yer intendad targit!”

     “I’m sorry about the mace, but a girl can never be too careful.”

     “Yaya, shur, shur. Sew, uthur dan sprain shi---err---mayce inta mi fayc, howw hav yew bin?” As he said this, he rubbed his beet-red eyes once again.

     “Oh, I can’t complain, but I do anyway!”

     “Eh, ha, ha, ha!” chimed in Jimmy, who’d stepped out of the truck, and now stood beside them.

     “So, this is a pleasant surprise; to what do I owe the privilage?” Grandma Astrid tried hard to hide her dismay at seeing her grandson. The boy had to be the stupidest, most dishonest moron anywhere. The last time she’d seen him, she’d gone to check her spending money, which she kept in a cookie jar on her kitchen counter, and it was gone. When she’d tried to think of who might have done it, she flashed on a rememberance of her grandson Earle Edgar asking her,

     “Grammaw, du yew half ani cukys?”

     She’d told him yes, that she kept them in a cookie jar, which just so happened that she kept right next to her cash jar. He had told her not to get up; he would get them himself. When he’d returned from the kitchen, he had cookie crumbs all over his face, and he blurted,

     “Wel grammaw, Eyeva gott tew git goen. Eye juss amembored sumpen impotent Eye gotta dew.”

     “But Earle Edgar, we were going to go Christmas shopping.”

     “Owe yaya, Eyema sory abowet dat, butt Eye reeli half ta du dis otter ting.”

     “Oh, all right. What’s this important thing, anyway?”

     “Aha, Eye nead ta, aha; wel, itts kinda harde to sayy wat itt iz, butt Eye juss gotta dew itt.”

     “Oh, okay, but your grandma is very disappointed. I was so looking forward to us spending time together.”

     “Yaya; gudby grammaw.”

     And just like that, he was gone. Astrid thought he’d acted kind of funny. When she’d opened the jar that held her cash, it was gone. At first, she’d refused to believe her own grandson had done it, but gradually, the inescapable truth hit her with an undeniable fact; Earle Edgar had stolen her money; it all made sense; his looking for the cookies and his being in a rush to leave. Now he had shown up at her door out of the blue. He must need money!

     “And aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend?”

     “Owa, grammaw, dis hears Jimy Reeno.”

     “Nice to meet you Jimmy; It’s always nice to meet a friend of Earle Edgar’s.”

     “Oh, do you know any? Eh, ha, ha!” Jimmy answered.

     S***, he’s a wanna-be comedian. “Eh, ha, ha, very funny! Where on earth do you find such funny friends, Earle Edgar?” She thought, I want to hurl in a bucket!

     Earle Edgar thought, da wuman haz goen an rownd da bende!   “Isent hee hillairius?”

     “Yes, extremely funny; tell me, Earle Edgar, what brings you out this way?”

     “Wel, Eye juss wantid tew see yew.”

     “What a nice surprise.”  Like finding your garbage spread all over the floor by your dog!

     “Yaya, iznt itt?”

     “Well, you boys come right in. Are you guys hungry?”

     Yaya, hungery fer muney! thought Earle Edgar. “Owe, dats owkay grammaw, donut putt yersef owat.”

     The sooner I get rid of them, the better, she thought. “Oh, believe me, I’m happy to give you boys something, and since the big savings bank scandal, food is about all I can offer you guys,” she deftly lied.

     “Savin bayank skandal?  Eye gess Eye dident here ubout dat won. Wat exactely hapined?”

     “Oh, didn’t you hear? I won’t go into details, but suffice it to say I’m completely wiped out.”

     “Wat dew yu meen bi 'wipedd owat'?”

     “I mean I’m broke; I lost it all.”

     Earle Edgar stared at her for a moment, then seemed to sag visibly as he said, “Boye grammaw, itt wuz reel niec ceein yew agane, butt Eye tink wee shud be movin onn. Weave gott tew git upp northe fastely.

     “Oh, that’s too bad. And here I was so looking forward to getting reaquainted with you, and getting to know your friend.”

     “Yaya, maybee nex tyme. Shal wee hit da rode?” he answered, and nodded towards Jimmy.

     “We need to be mighty careful when we hit the road; that asphault is mighty hard stuff; eh, ha, ha!”

     Why me? thought Grandma Astrid.

 

 

     Astrid figured if she let them know she was broke, the thieving sons of b*****s would leave faster. She’d been proven correct. Her blood-sucking nephew and his leach of a friend had left faster than a blind man who magically regains the use of his other leg! She was going to call in sick. Later this morning, she would visit to her bank; then shopping.

 

 

     As they left Grandma Astrid’s place, Earle Edgar and Jimmy Reno were both worried. According to Jimmy, he was completely out of money, and so was Earle Edgar. They both racked their brains trying to think of a way they could get more. Jimmy was drawing a blank, and so was Earle Edgar, until,

     “Saye, Eye juss haid a idia,---”

     “All right, I just had an idea.”

     Shuet Upp! Earle Edgar thought. “Surly weed git alott ov muny ifn wee rowebed an banc?”

     “Tell me you’re not serious, and don’t call me Shirley; eh, ha, ha!”

     Okaya, ifn Eye heer dat layem friken jowk won moor tyme, Eyema goen tew thumpp yer asse!, thought Earle Edgar.

     Jimmy went on, “No, what do we know about robbing a bank? We’re just as likely to shoot our own d***s off than get any loot.”

     “Noe, Eyem talken a boute muny, an Eye tink Eyeva ceen enuf copp showes ta kno wat tew dew. Eye meen, howw hared kan itt reeli bee?”

 

 

     They had wasted some time, and then had stopped at a toy store and shoplifted a couple of squirt guns that looked like the real thing, just to scare the bank teller, and were now approaching the bank they had chosen. They also ripped a couple of Halloween masks to disguise their identities. Jimmy had severe misgivings and spoke up,

     “I don’t see why we just couldn’t have found an amateur comedy competition, and I could have won that instead of this robbery.”

     Beecuz wee nead muny, an wyth yer layam joks, weed bee half bin moor browek aftar wee payed fer everibuddys drinkes tew ceep dem frum leeven!  Earle Edgar thought. “Dis wood bee moor ov an suer ting!”

 

 

     The bank was full of customers in line to do their banking, and they barely looked up when the two guys with smiles permanently plastered on their faces walked through the front door, waving guns. Then one of them yelled,

     “Oaka, dis iz a stik up; nobuddy muv oar yull bee sew fuwel ov hols, ayand ahh... ahh... yewl feal da wynd blo yew---err---blo thru yew!”

     Everyone screamed and looked at the two guys with scary-looking masks on their faces; both holding guns. Then one guy spoke up,

     “You guys are pretty stupid, aren’t you?”

     “Shuet Upp!” yelled Earle Edgar.

     “Yeah, shut up!” mimicked Jimmy Reno.

     “Oh, such scary talk! Let me give you some advice: the next time you rob a bank, you might want to take the price tag off the toy guns!”

     “Whayat?” replied Earle Edgar, and he glanced down at the gun. Sure enough, there was the price tag of $4.99, along with a picture of a clown on it. “Sheit!” mumbled Earle Edgar under his breath.

     Jimmy then said, “I told you this was a bad idea, but did you listen to me? Hell no! Now what are we going to do, Earle Edgar?”

     “Shuet yer mowth! Donut uase mi reel nam!”

     “Earle Edgar, is that you?”

     Both men whipped their heads around and looked at the woman who’d spoke.

     “Sheit!” said Earle Edgar, for they were gazing upon the face of Grandma Astrid.

     “Ruwen!” shouted Earle Edgar, and both he and Jimmy Reno ran out of the bank.

 

 

     “Now what do we do, Earle Edgar?”

     “Shuet up an lett mi thynk.”

     “We don’t have all day. Eh, ha, ha!”

     Yew tink yer funy, butt yer juss an fatt-hed, Earle Edgar thought. “Da waye Eye cee itt, da furst ting weeva gott tew dew iz git riyed ofe dis campar. Da copps miyat bee luken fer itt.”