In the Tent of the Samurai--Charles Placard 2

Charles Placard tries again!

                  In the Tent of the Samurai

                                     By Mike Stevens

                                A Charles Placard Tale

 

                   “The bronzed, supple woman walked seductively towards the writhing samurai, who was already naked.  

              She disrobed by the flickering light of a single candle; he could feel his anticipation growing.  She held in her 

              hand something he couldn’t quite make out.  He thought to himself, it must be a sexual device of some sort.  His 

              anticipation was already stretched to the breaking point, but somehow it managed to grow even more.  She 

              leaned closer and whispered,

                   “Close your eyes and you’ll get a big surprise!”

                   Licking his dry lips, he complied.  “What is it, baby?”

                   The woman smiled, as a knife blade flashed in the dim light of a candle.  Suddenly, the tent in the desert was 

              filled with screams, as the samurai tried in vain to pull the quivering knife out of his belly.”

    

       

                   Charles Placard’s hand cramped at that point, so he decided to give the typewriter a rest.  He had typed and 

              retyped the resumption of the story which he was telling in his latest novel, but none of it lived up to his lofty 

              standards.  He had to face it, he was stuck.  “In the Tent of the Samurai” was proving difficult.  Despite his first 

              attempt at dramatic writing, “The Fast-Talking Lumber-King”, being mistaken for a comedy book, and Behemoth 

              Press publishing it as such, it had sold unbelievably well, and he now had a deal for another with Behemoth he 

              had to fulfill.  He would make sure; with this one, there would be no more thinking it was a comedy!

 

                   Charles had taken a break from his writing, and was watching an old movie on television.  It had to do with a 

              group of foreign travelers taken prisoner by an evil king.  That gave him a great idea.  He rushed back to his 

              typewriter, and the words flew from his mind onto the page. 

                   “The men struggled in vain to escape from the dungeon, and the evil clutches of the demented samurai 

              warrior.  Judging from the skeletons which littered the cold gray stones of the dungeon’s floor, they wouldn’t be 

              the first of his unlucky victims.”

                  

                   Perfect!  It was a great place to continue the story.  So far, his novel had it all; sex, madness, war, a villain, and 

              several would-be heroes.  All he had to do was the tying it all together, and tell the story.

 

    

                   He was once again sitting in the offices of Behemoth Press, nervous but determined to tell Calamine this book 

              was as good as he could do in writing a dramatic novel.  He was just about finished with it.  When he had resumed 

              writing, the ideas had flowed almost non-stop.  He was grateful his first book had done well, but as a comedy book. 

              He hadn’t meant for it to be a comedy, but what the hell, he’d gotten his foot in the door, and now that he had some 

              clout, he was going to use it to market the new novel as a straight dramatic book, not as a comedy, like Behemoth 

              wanted.  Daisy the receptionist called his name, and told him to go into Mr. Calamine’s office.  Calamine was the 

              person in charge of his book deal. 

    

                   “Very good stuff, this is outstanding!” said a clearly-excited Calamine.  He then read a part of Charles’s novel 

              out loud.

                   “Danny had to escape, but there was one small problem; between him and the door to freedom were 12 

              ninjas with automatic weapons.  He tried the oldest trick in the book; he called out,

                   “Excuse me, guys, but I’ve got to go to the bathroom, could one of you kindly untie my hands?”

                   He thought they’ll never fall for this; you’d have to be pretty stupid.  Much to his surprise, one of them came up 

              to him and untied his hands, saying,

                   “Okay, you’ve got 2 minutes.  If you’re not back out here in that time, we’ll be coming in looking for you, and 

              you wouldn’t like that at all.  In other words, it would behoove you to be standing back here in 2 minutes.”

                   He entered the bathroom and looked for a way out.  He saw a small window, and the sun was shining 

              through a frosted window at the top of the opposite bathroom wall.  Danny let out an almost-silent laugh.  The 

              idiots had fallen for it!  He quickly stood on a nearby chair and unlatched the window.  Just as easy as that, he 

              was outside, and free.  He had only taken a couple of steps when from behind him he heard a voice,

                   “And what do we have here?  Why, I do believe I should stop you!”

                   The person who had spoken those words was a hot-looking female ninja.  She wore a skin-tight ninja outfit, 

              which Danny would have admired, if he wasn’t getting pounded, pounded until he felt himself losing 

              consciousness.”

                   “Hot damn, that’s some hilarious stuff!” said Calamine.

                   Charles was crushed.  Calamine still thought he was trying to be funny; “Eh, ha, ha, yeah, isn’t it?”  He felt like 

              screaming, “The hell with you, and the hell with this place,” but knew if he did that, he could kiss the outstanding 

              money he was making goodbye, so he managed,

                   “The new book is almost finished, I just have a couple more jokes to fit in, and I’ll be done.”

    

                                           The End             

 

 

                                          

Reviews

[Colt 45 & 9/16]

Very interesting. I am curious to know why Charles writing is always cosidered funny. The cliche of the asian samurai collage that we american image in a sort of an erotic/action/adventure fantasy that is blurred together with Chinese, Japanese, South east asain, ancient and modern culture mixed with an episode of teenage mutant ninja tutles. That in itself is humorus I feel.
I suppose the part where Charles says to himself
"So far, his novel had it all; sex, madness, war, a villain, and several would-be heroes. All he had to do was the tying it all together, and tell the story."
Could interpreted as funny. When I try to itemize all the checks in the boxes
of what makes a good story it seems to could across as "trying to hard" or cheesy. Kinda like now as I am writing this Eh. Is this what Charles is doing, or does he just have a unique unintentional talent?
I'm I anywhere close?

[Michael Stevens]

Not sure where my first reply to your comment ended up, so if you've seen this already, sorry! I was just trying to get across how utterly clueless Charles is; I thought it would be humorous, and I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone. I've often been drawn to people who just don't get it, and fail quite often!

[Colt 45 & 9/16]

Oh no nothing offensive at all. I was just commenting on the american concept of ninjas and samurai. perhaps I was overspeckulating. Thank you I understand now!