'Forgotten!'--fake ad

Forgotten stuff, and probably for a good reason!

The Power Head Corporation

Proudly Presents:

“The Forgotten Stuff Book”

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“Now you can remember stuff you wished you could just forget--err-- everything forgotten by people over the years; “The Forgotten Stuff” book.  This handsome book is way overpriced--err--essential for anal-reten--err--inquisitive people who don’t give a crap about--err--want to know, and remember.  We’ve included a few ‘forgotten’ dealos to suck you in--err--let people know the many useless--err--important facts you can do without--err--just have to remember!  Here are just a few of the Forgotten things. ”

 

“Forgotten U.S. Presidential

Candidates”

 

Many men and women made unsuccessful campaigns for president.  Some, we all remember. Some of the almost-forgotten and obscure people include:

 

Larry (Red) Face: Ran for president in 1972, candidate of ‘The Groin Party’: Lost bid to become president when it was revealed he had ordered the bugging of “Wanda’s House of Free Democracy and Love” to get something on Wanda, so she wouldn’t reveal his secret of wearing women’s panties under his pants

 

Craig B. Crimson: Ran for president in 1956, as ‘The Red-Pacification Party’ nominee: Lost bid to become president, when he advocated selling the U.S. down the crapper to the Soviet Union

 

Samuel F. Chickens: Ran for president in 1854, as ‘The Party Party’ nominee for president: Lost bid to become president when he got rip-roaring drunk at his party’s convention and hit on Senator Hal Phobia

 

Jim Puffer: Ran for president in 1980, as ‘The Hemp Party’ nominee for president: Lost bid to become president when he got high and ate all the food prepared for his campaign party before anyone could arrive

 

Robert Hick: Ran for president in 1846, as ‘The Ludicrous Party’s’ nominee for president: Lost bid to become president when he gave a rambling, incoherent speech which had something to do with his plate of nachos telling him to succeed the U.S. from the world

 

Jenna Hose: Ran for president in 1968, as the ‘Page 68 Party’s’ nominee for president: Lost bid to become president when press uncovered nude photographs of her taken when she needed money and posed nude for “Lustylator Magazine”

 

Carl Gourde: Ran for president in 1940 as ‘The Paranoid Party’s’ nominee for president: Lost bid to become president, when, during a magazine interview, he revealed his belief that the planet Earth was almost certain to be taken over by aliens from outer space and humans made their slaves

 

Wellington B. Case: Ran for president in 1928, as ‘The Half-Baked Party’s’ nominee for president: Lost bid to become president when it was revealed he would make critical policy decisions based on the movements of his pet ferret

 

“Forgotten Animals”

 

Many creatures that used to inhabit the Earth became extinct and where lost in the mists of time.  These are only a few of the forgotten species:

 

Bean-Eater Loafer Monkey: A primate where the male of the species ate nachos with bean dip, watched sports on T.V., and lay on the couch all day:  Became extinct due to female of the species becoming grossed out and refused to have sex with the male

 

Accordion-Necked Sloth: A slower-than-s*** animal that eluded predators by hiding its head in tree branches: Became extinct due to other animals revealing its location to large carnivorous predators by trying to play tunes on its neck

 

Feeter: A striped feline that eluded predators by burrowing into a pile of used gym socks: Became extinct due to being overcome by putrid fumes

 

Wanger Bird: Colorful bird with no wings, but gigantic genitals: Became extinct due to male of the species going blind and being devoured by predators

 

Ballooned-T** Beaver: Rodent who lives in water: Became extinct due to females being slapped to death while running

 

Hairy-A***d Lion: Big cat with no hair, except for their a**: Became extinct due to choking to death attempting to bathe

 

Missionary Giraffe: Tall, leggy animal that used to mate while facing each other: Became extinct due to suffering severe neck and back injuries

 

Hinge-Jawed Panda: Gentle-looking little bear that got it’s food from acting harmless, and when other animals grew to think the little gentle-looking bear was harmless, pinning the unfortunate victim between a stump, or something, and it’s powerful jaws: Became extinct due to it’s hinge breaking, and it’s lower jaw flying off

 

Crooked-Toothed Alligator: A ferocious, killing machine reptile: Would attack a couch if it thought it was edible: Became extinct due to attacking rubber car tires, and chewing itself to death

 

“Forgotten Dances”

 

Your sweet, innocent grandparents used to dance in some slightly-illegal, almost pornographic ways, now forgotten.  You may think twice about having ‘sweet, lovable’ grandpa or grandma hug you

 

‘The Gonna Score Polka’"Man would ask woman to dance, and once on the dance floor, would grab her a** with both hands

 

‘The Hayloft Swing’"Couple wound flop around awkwardly, and then retire to the hayloft, to flop around awkwardly some more

 

‘The Too-Tanked Twist’ (also known as ‘The Elusive Neon Donkey Dance’)", people start off dancing normally, then stagger around in circles because they’ve had way too much alcohol

 

‘The Sever Stomp’"People with no arms bump and grind their bellies together

 

‘The Doggy Disco Dance’"Woman faces away from man, and wiggles her a** around like a helicopter blade

 

‘The Big Rack Attack Dance’"Couple starts to dance and woman heaves her big rack, all over the damned place

 

‘The Funnel Flop’"Couple flops around awkwardly on the dance floor, then retires to their car to guzzle beer, using a funnel

 

“Forgotten Holidays”

 

Lost in the mists of time, here are some of the holiday’s we used to celebrate:

 

‘National Knee-Pad Day’: workers were encouraged to bring knee-pads to work, and kiss their boss’s a**: reason for discontinuation: Boss’s got confused, and faced the wrong direction

 

‘National Vandalism Day’: people were encouraged to spray paint self-portraits instead of swear words on the walls of freeway overpasses: Reason for discontinuation: spray paint shortage, and once people got a good look at themselves, low self-esteem

 

‘National Let Your Pet Drive Day’: people were encouraged to let their pets drive: Reason for discontinuation: pets wouldn’t pay attention and veer off the road, causing insurance rates to sky-rocket

 

‘National Eat Liver Day’: adults were encouraged to eat liver, so their children would eat it: reason for discontinuation: all the children were learning was how to hit a bucket when they heaved

 

‘National Shoplifting Day’: people were encouraged to stuff merchandise down their pants and walk out of stores without paying: reason for discontinuation: People were stealing chocolate bars, which melted, and ruined too many expensive pants: Also, the melted chocolate led to genital smores, which led to addiction

 

‘National Rocky Mountain Oyster Day’: people were encouraged to eat as many of the delicacies as they could: reason for discontinuation: people couldn’t scream obscenities like they usually did, with their mouth full of cow nuts

 

“Forgotten Home Remedies”

 

“Hangover?  Flu? Genital Warts?  The following are just some of the home remedies for whatever ailed you in days of old.  They didn’t run to doctors like we do today.  No, they couldn’t afford them with the average wage being 15 cents-a-day.  They came up with their own cures.  Often, the remedies they came up with contained powerful narcotics, which made the victim feel much better, but often left the victim a rambling, mumbling lunatic.

 

Complaint: Migraine headache: remedy: Aunt Uncle’s Migraine-Be-Gone

 

Ingredients:

 

4-5 barbiturates

1 bottle 151-proof alcohol

3 teaspoons cough syrup, with codeine

1 glass seltzer water

 

Mix ingredients in blender, and serve over ice

 

Complaint: Bleeding, pus-filled open wound: remedy: Aunt Janet’s Bleeding, Pus-Filled Open-Wound Be-Gone

 

Ingredients:

 

4-5 barbiturates

1 bottle 151-proof alcohol

1 sheet, 90-grit sandpaper

1 high-speed disc sander

 

Mix liquid ingredients in blender, drink mixture, attach sandpaper to sander, run sander over affected area

 

Complaint: Genital warts: remedy: Grandma Eunice’s Genital Warts Be-Gone

 

Ingredients:

 

Same as Aunt Janet’s Open-

Wound Be-Gone

 

Same directions as Aunt Janet’s Open-

Wound-Be Gone

 

Complaint: Deep laceration on forehead: remedy: Grandpa Jim’s Deep Laceration Be-Gone

 

Ingredients:

 

4-5 barbiturates

1 bottle, 151-proof alcohol

3 teaspoons cough syrup with codeine

1 shoelace

1 railroad spike, ground to a fine point

 

Mix liquid ingredients and barbiturates in blender, drink mixture, attach shoelace to sharp part of railroad spike, and suture wound closed

 

Complaint: Heavy chest pressure: remedy: Cousin Vinnie’s Heavy Chest Pressure Be-Gone

 

Ingredients:

 

4-5 barbiturates

1 bottle 151-proof alcohol

1 whole bottle of cough syrup with codeine

1 heavy-duty cable

1 heavy-duty pulley/w anchor attachment

1 three-ton boulder/w eye-bolt attached

 

Mix liquid ingredients in blender, drink mixture, attach cable to automobile engine sitting on your chest, attach pulley to boulder with eye-bolt, run cable through pulley, and pull, hard

 

Forgotten Alcoholic Drinks

 

The alcoholic drinks people used to drink were radically different.  Here’s just a few:

 

 

‘Brain Shaker’: 1 shot tequila, 3 shots Dark Rum

1 shot lamp oil

1 tablespoon water

Ice

 

Preparation: mix ingredients in blender; pour resulting mixture into an asbestos-lined glass, and light on fire

 

Result: having enough light to see when the alcohol blinds you

 

‘Back Breaker’: 6 shots 151-proof alcohol

1 tablespoon water

Ice

 

Preparation: mix alcohol and ice in glass, and guzzle

 

Result: people in horrible pain from an injury will still have the injury, but will no longer be able to feel it, or care

 

‘Lamp Shade Blaster’:

1 shot Kentucky whiskey

1 shot cheap wine

5 shots tequila

Ice

 

Preparation: mix ingredients in blender, insert straw directly into blender, and suck, hard

 

Result: consumer of this drink will strip naked, don a lampshade, and tell off-color jokes

 

‘Dog Desperation Demon’:

1 shot catnip

1 shot any liquid aphrodisiac

8 shots tequila

Ice

 

Preparation: mix ingredients in glass and drain

 

Result: extreme loss of judgment, resulting in the consumer of drink having wild sex with even the worst double-bagger

 

“Theme Songs from

Forgotten Children’s Shows”

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By paying today, you can lose yourself in yesterday!  See how many of the following songs you can remember: remember, these are only a few Forgotten Theme Songs:

 

“Hank the Clown, is a Level 3 Sex Offender”--Theme song of the show  “Hank the Clown”

 

“I’m a Lumberjack; You got a Problem with That?”--Theme song from the show “Clear-Cut Johnny!”

 

“Guess Where my Hand Is?”--Theme song from the show “Puppeteer Perv”

 

“Going to Get my Ashes Hauled”--Theme song from “Mortuary Monty”

 

“Blend in with the Furniture”--Theme song from “Convict, or Couch?”

 

“I Lost my Lower ½, Trying to Beat the Train”--Theme song from the show “Brakeman Stumpy”

 

“What Double-Yellow Line?”--Theme song from the show “Straight-Shot Sam”