The American In Breeders Dictionary--Simpleton Addition

This isn't really a story, but I had to put it somewhere! A handy dictionary for those people who live in their car, have less than 10 of their teeth left and hunt squirrels for dinner!

The American In-Breeders Dictionary, Simpleton Edition

(The Meaning of Several Words or Phrases)

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'-denotes which syllable (A part of the word) should be emphasized

 

 

Now available at convenience stores who sell corn nuts and alcohol

  

Airbag--‘air-bag--pet name for a person’s stomach

 

Air freshener--‘air-fresh-en-er--a nice-smelling tree-shaped deal that you hang up to cover the stench of the air in your single wide

 

Angst--angst--what working on this damn dictionary causes

 

Another time--‘an-oth-er-time--when you buy a second clock

 

“Are you my dad?--are-‘you-my-dad?--question asked by people who just aren’t sure; used to identify possible relatives

 

Article--‘art-i-cle--those things in your newspaper with a lot of words that you skip over till you get to the comics

 

Au-gratin--au-‘gratin--an expression of disgust--IE “Oh, these crab cakes au gratin!”

 

Bad luck--‘bad-luck--the only kind of luck known to you

 

Bad news--‘bad-news--when your Uncle Fester calls to say he’s staying with you for an undetermined length of time

 

Baked--baked--we did know this definition, but we forgot

 

Baker’s dozen--‘bak-er’s-doz-en--about 9 higher than you can count

 

Bald--bald--what you are when you remove the “It’s 9 inches” trout fishing baseball cap

 

Ball bearing--ball-bear-ing--men’s underwear

 

Ballistic--ball-ist-ic--a guy with gigantic testicles

 

Bar stool-‘bar-stool--going to the bathroom at the tavern

 

Bartender--‘bar-ten-der--the unfortunate person who is subjected to your slurred, unfunny ramblings

 

Baseball hat--‘base-ball-hat--hat with a picture of you, with writing below it that proclaims, “Single and Available!”

 

Battle axe--‘bat-tle-ax--another name for your mother-in-law

 

Beer belly--‘beer-belly--opposite sex attractor; also used as a floatation device while swimming

 

Best friend--‘best-friend--person who bails you out after your arrest

 

Bite me--‘bite-me--what you say to the cop who pulls you over for driving 30 mph in a 65 mph zone, and weaving all over

 

Black--black--if you want to understand what the color black looks like, look at your teeth in the mirror

 

Blarney--'blar-ney--the way you pronounce your friend Barney’s name after hoovering beer all night at a tavern

 

Blended-‘blend-ed--the result of sweeping up your tobacco after spilling it on the floor, and using it

 

Bloody--‘blood-y--what your face will be once your angry wife catches you and uses her weapon of choice

 

Blow-by--‘blow-by--when your partner wants recognition for an act performed

 

Blue balls--‘blue-balls--what you get when a can of blue spray paint explodes in your pants

 

Bobby--‘bob-by--the  pet name you give your Johnson one night when using a funnel to down several malt liquors at once

 

Bottom feeder--‘bot-tom-feed-er--what your friends call you behind your back

 

Botulism--‘bot-u-lism--an other name for you aunt’s cooking

 

Boulder--‘boul-der--an increasing sense of confidence--IE--“The more I’ve had to drink, the boulder I get!”

 

Bratwurst--‘brat-wurst--the opposite of brautbest

 

Brew ha-ha--‘brew-ha-ha--when you laugh so hard, the beer you’re drinking comes out your nose

 

Broom--broom--the weapon of choice for your angry wife

 

Brush--brush--something your hair will never see

 

Buck toothed--‘buck-toothed-dentures that cost a dollar

 

Buttocks--‘but-tocks--when your a** says it looks hot

 

Cahoots--ca’hoots--an entire family of ca birds

 

Cake--cake--what dirt does on your skin if you miss either of your monthly showers

 

Calendar--‘cal-an-dar--a handy item for when you drink so much, you forget what day it is

 

Call girl--‘call-girl--a woman who spends all her time on the phone

 

Camp stove--‘camp-stove--a stove you take camping; the drawback being they weigh a ton, and require a miles-long extension chord

 

Cannon fodder--can-non-fod-der--what the hell’s a fodder?  Whatever it is, it has something to do with a hollow, long tube, out of which comes a projectile

 

Can’t catch a break--‘can’t-catch-a-break--having no luck when you go break fishing

 

Cardboard--‘card-board--what your frozen pizza tastes like after you attempt to cook it while hammered

 

Carton--‘car-ton--the handy container your cigarettes come in

 

 

Cartwheel-‘cart-wheel-what you accidently do when you try to pass the sobriety test

 

Castle--‘cas-tle--a triple wide mobile home

 

Cattle call--‘catt-le-call--what you do when looking for lost livestock

 

Cauliflower--‘cal-i-flow-er--what do you?

 

Caviar--‘cav-i-ar--gross-tasting fish embryos

 

Cell burgers--what they serve you to eat in jail

 

Chain link fence--‘chain-link-fence--an impenetrable barrier for keeping creditors off your back; a perfect improvised bottle opener.  Simply insert bottle anywhere along fence, and twist.  Twisting will sheer (bust) off top of that 64 ounce bad boy that you bought to bring home, but you just can’t wait; you’re thirsty now

 

Cheeks--cheeks--face protrusions that hold in all the chewing tobacco you stuff into your mouth

 

Cheese Puffs--‘cheese-puffs--makes for good “I’m bombed, and hungry” snack food

 

Chewing tobacco--‘chew-ing-tob-bacc-o--tobacco product where it is essential user stuffs as much in their face as possible, (maybe more).  Also considered an aphrodisiac in many countries

 

Chow time--‘chow-time--what takes up you time between beer binges

 

Classy--‘cl-as-sy--has absolutely nothing to do with you

 

Clean--clean--the opposite of what your single wide is

 

Clean and jerk--‘clean-and-jerk--showering before masturbating

 

Cletus--‘Cle-tus--popular name for relatives (cousins, uncles, etc.)

 

Clock-clock--a device used for figuring out how much drinking time you have left before closing

 

Close shave--‘close-shave--the shave you get when you drunkenly stagger face-first into an oscillating fan

 

Clown--clown--you

 

Coat hanger--‘coat-hang-er--a device used to unlock your 4x4 truck when you get wasted and accidently lock your keys inside

 

Code red--‘code-red--the code of the fire department when the respond to your house to douse the flames when you slightly misjudged how long it would take for dinner to cook

 

Coffee--‘cof-fee--nectar o’ the gods

 

Cold medicine--‘cold-medicine--what you take several of, and mix with a bunch of dark beers; the result is one hell of a buzz

 

College--‘col-lege--A big group of building that people like you pass by on your way to work the graveyard shift at “The Happy Reefer Shack”

 

Convenience store--con-‘ven-i-ence store--big building where a person can purchase staples of every day living (beer, chewing tobacco, corn dogs, hats with tractors on them, frozen burritos, etc;  often open 24 hours

 

Couch--couch--a place to sleep after your wife decides she’s had enough

 

Cousin--‘cous-in--eligible marriage material, or to date if you just want some fun

 

Cranium--‘cran-i-um--when your ium is way off the ground

 

Crime tape--‘crime-tape--what the police use to seal the doors of your 4X4

 

Crimson--‘crim-son--your face after the disappointment when you realize that the comment from the guy standing next to you, “nice a**!” was meant for the girl beside you

 

Crinkle cut--‘crin-kle-cut--the kind of frozen fries you stupidly buy after getting hammered and going shopping, You wanted the other kind

 

Cross action--‘cross -act-ion--looking to score off of a transvestite

 

Customized--‘cus-tom-ized--what your ordinary 4X4 will become when it’s turned into a monster truck, with flames painted on the side

Danger--‘dan-ger--what you’re in because you stuck a high-voltage power line down your pants, for some reason

 

Daydream--‘day-dream--that you are any different than the other 6.94 billion people

 

Daylight--‘day-light--what comes out of that fiery orb in the sky and blinds your eyes when you come to with a splitting headache after hoovering countless beers at a rundown dump of a tavern last night

 

Delight--‘de-light--what you say when you find the lamp

 

Democrat--‘dem-o-crat-- reprehensible bottom feeder; automatic no vote

 

Detour--‘de-tour--when you pay $5 to be shown around

 

Dewsy--‘dew-sy--what you get when you’re so drunk, you do a face-plant into a field on a chilly December morning

 

Dial--‘di-al--the knob on your AM radio that you turn until you’re listening to country music

 

Diarrhea--‘di-arh-rea--what comes out of your mouth when you say something stupid

 

Double yellow--‘dou-ble-yell-ow--the magnetic line on the highway that seems to attract your car tires when coming home from the tavern

 

Downspout--‘down-spout--a spout that’s seeing a psychiatrist

 

Dreadlocks--‘dread-locks--a crippling fear of being unable to find your keys

Dresser--‘dres-ser--a cabinet, usually made of wood, that holds your country music tee-shirts, your single pair of jeans that you hook your wallet on a chain to, your weekly supply of 2 pair of underwear (your vest hangs in the closet), and your pack of condoms, just in case you meet a girl at the tavern tonight who isn’t aware of your reputation (well deserved) as an absolute sex-crazed freak-a**, and you get lucky

 

 

Dung heap--‘dung-heap--a description of your house after hosting a Super Bowl party for relatives

 

Electrolytes--el-‘ec-tro-lytes--lighter than heavy electo's

 

Elevator--‘el-e-vat-or--We don’t know what it means, but there is no way yours goes to the top

 

End over end--‘end-ov-er-end--describes what your body does after you lose control of the motocross bike

 

Erosion--e-ros-ion--what happens to you judgment after

snorkling beer all evening

 

Excrement--‘ex-cre-ment--what your hopes and dreams turn into

 

Expiration date--‘ex-pir-a-tion-date--we’re not sure, but we think it has something to do with a date printed on food labels

 

Eye candy--‘eye-can-dy--when you’re such a pig, you miss your mouth

 

Fabric--‘fab-ric--what you snag on the wire fence of your neighbor’s, when you try sneaking in when it’s dark so you can spy on their hot daughter as she’s changing for cheerleader practice

 

Fanny pack--‘fanny-pack--when your girlfriend Fanny carries stuff

 

Feelings--‘feel-ings-what the male of the species don’t have a clue about

 

Fierce--fierce--word you use to describe an especially-tasty bowl of chili at “Sawed-Off Mama’s Bar and Grill”; IE, “That was one good bowl of chili; fierce!”

 

Firebrand--‘fire-brand--denotes which company marketed it

 

Fire extinguisher--‘fire-ex-ting-uish-er--the effect of alcohol on your love life

 

Fire goo--‘fire-goo--what you get any time you try to cook, anything

 

Fishing lure--‘fish-ing-lure--sticks of dynamite

 

Flaming surprise--‘flam-ing-sur-prise--what’s for dinner

 

Flimsy--‘flim-sy--describes the cardboard box that serves as your living quarters

 

Fog horn--‘fog-horn--horn you attach to your 4X4 and is activated by depressing a button on your key chain when you’re too blotto to remember where you parked

 

Force feed--‘force-feed--when food is thrown at you with incredible velocity

 

Forest--‘for-est--the thing that prevents you from seeing the trees

 

Four-by-four--‘four-by-four--a manly vehicle for men, as well as women who chew, that allows for plenty of drunken mistakes.  Also serves as a handy place to pass out, when you just can’t make it home

 

Four door--‘four-door--a more comfortable car for living in than a 2-door

Frown--frown--what others do when they see you

 

Frozen Burrito--‘fro-zen burr-it-o--a good stand-by to eat for the person who gets so drunk, they shouldn’t be anywhere around something that glows orange and heats things up (stove)

 

Funnel-‘funn-el--a device used to drink beer faster

 

Furtive glance--‘fur-tive-glance--when you’re out hunting beaver, and you see movement out of the corner of your eye

 

Garden Hose--‘gar-den-hose--what you cut up to hook to the funnel

 

Gawking--‘gawk-ing--what you do when you notice a hot blond with a nice rack

 

Germinate--‘germ-in-ate--when Nate gets ill

 

Golfing--‘golf-ing--a good excuse to get away from the wife so you can snorkel beer

 

Goof--goof--what others see when they see you

 

Grass--grass--what absorbs most of the impact of your falling drunk body, after arriving home at 2.15 in the morning

 

Grazing--‘graz-ing--what you’ll have to do if you get bombed, fall down face-first into a farmer’s field, and decide you’re hungry for a snack

 

 

Gripe--gripe--what you do every time something doesn’t go your wa--err--every time

 

Gruel--‘gru-el--big bowl of s**t that they serve you for dinner, right before you pass out on the cold, hard, unforgiving concrete of the cell floor

 

Gun-rack--‘gun-rack--a rack for holding your 6 shotguns, as well serving as a coat rack for your sleeveless coat (vest)

 

Hack saw--‘hack-saw--a saw for use when angry

 

Hail--hail--what your friend Jimmy Joe does to you from one of several taverns

 

 

Hairball--‘hair-ball--what the ball in head tennis is made from

 

Hair care products--‘hair-care-prod-ucts--why do you need this definition, cue-ball?

 

Hair raising--‘hair-rai-sing--when you have a crane hooked to your head

 

Half-baked--‘half-baked--like we already admitted, we forget what baked means, but we remember what half means

 

Half rack--‘half-rack--a good fall back position when you can’t scrounge enough spare change from beneath your couch cushions to buy a whole case

 

Hammer--‘ham-mer--what you use on the b*****d’s windshield under cover of night because you’re a quaker

 

Hammer time--‘ham-mer-time--as soon as you get off work

 

Happy--‘hap-py--how you feel when you find a beer behind a jar of mustard

 

Heave--heave--the act of clearing room for more beer

 

Hey baby!--‘Hey-baby!--what you scream at the top of your lungs from across the room, when you see someone you’re attracted to and want their attention

 

Hollow point--‘holl-ow-point--when you point at something, but your heart just isn’t in it

 

Hoodwink--‘hood-wink--when you deceive a criminal

 

Horn dog--‘horn-dog--a dog with a pointed protrusion sticking out of its forehead

 

Hound dawwge--‘hound-dawwge--a term of endearment

 

Inflatable--in-‘flat-able--your new mate

 

Independent--‘in-de-pend-ent--republican who’s all mixed up

 

Intelligence--in-‘tell-i-gence--we have to admit, we have no clue

 

Jail--jail--what your house will become for you after your angry wife catches you and uses her weapon of choice

 

Javelin--‘jav-e-lin--when you give your friend Lin a cup of coffee

 

Jerky--‘jerk-y--description of the way your neighbor drives home after drinking at a tavern until 2am

 

Johnson--what you take out and wave at the cop when you’re pulled over one night after leaving the tavern

 

Jumper cables--‘jum-per-ca-bles--cables, that when properly secured, make it impossible for high school track stars to even get off the ground; often used by opponents

 

Kryptonite--krypt-o-nite--a night when you pass out in the local cemetery

 

Lactose--‘lack-tose--when you’re missing a tose

 

Lampshade--‘lamp-shade--what you wear on your head at parties

 

Laser--‘la-ser--what the revolving lights of that police car look like in your rearview mirror after getting pulled over on your way home from the tavern

 

License--‘li-cense--a totally-unnecessary, frivolous waste of time designed to make lawyers happy

 

Limit--‘lim-it--an imaginary barrier to your having fun

 

Living hell--‘liv-ing-hell--what you life become when Uncle Wally and Aunt Jean come to stay with you, indefinitely

 

Loser-‘Lo-ser--self-description

 

Lucky charm--‘luck-y-charm--baseball hat with a chewing tobacco company on it, that you always wear fishing

 

Lust--lust--something you’ll never feel again, Shrivel-King

 

Meat packing plant--‘meat-pack-ing-plant--a plant sporting a huge wang

 

Melting pot--mel-ting-pot--top-of-the-line marijuana that causes the user to think their face is actually melting

 

Mouth mush--‘mouth-mush--what that 3 pound wad of chewing tobacco becomes after about 3 hours in your face

 

Mulch-mulch--what you eat when you get bombed and fall down face-first into your neighbor’s yard

 

Naked--‘na-ked--describes your state when your friends lock you outside while playing strip poker and drinking at your friend Sven’s house

 

NASCAR--‘NAS-CAR--we’re not sure what it means, but it must be something important because it’s all in capital letters

 

Never--‘nev-er--the day you’re judged to have a clue, about anything!

 

Nice rack!--‘nice-rack!--complementary words when a friend buys a particularly-nice wine rack

 

Nightshade--‘night-shade--what you wear over your eyes because you have a massive hangover

 

No-win situation--‘no-win-sit-u-a-tion--every situation for you

 

Nuclear--‘nu-cle-ar--a nuc you can see through

 

Numb skull--‘numb-skull--the result of being hit over the head with the purse of an attractive woman with no sense of humor

 

Ook--ook--a mythical beast with fangs, sharp talons, and a taste for American beer

 

Pachyderm--‘pack-a-derm--when you decide to take a derm on your camping trip

 

Parachute--‘par-a-chute--what fails  to open, but makes a cool-looking streamer until you hit the ground

 

Parasites--‘par-a-sites--two sites

 

Party Favor--‘par-ty-fav-or--asking your friends to please hold something, in honor of your finally getting a job

 

Pathway--‘path-way--how a path acts

 

Petrified--‘Pet-ri-fied--describes your underwear

 

Phone sex--‘phone-sex--the thing you enjoy, but would enjoy more if the receiver didn’t keep getting snagged in your zipper

 

Pins and needles--‘pins-and-ned-dles--what you’re on after your wife gets mad at you for not reading her mind, and threatening to withhold sex from you

 

Pinwheel--‘pin-wheel--what your hapless body does after you attempt to use a ski jump

 

Piper-‘pip-er--what you call a big-a** dude carrying a pipe

 

Plagiarism--‘plagiar-ism--pagiarism with an L added

 

Poaching--‘poach-ing--a good way to acquire dinner

 

Poleax--‘pole-ax--an axe that crosses into the Arctic

 

Poolside--‘pool-side--when you ralph next to your sleeping bag, where you’re trying to sleep after downing a s**t-load of beer

 

Pork rinds--‘pork-rinds--staple food of your diet, made from the rinds of pigs

 

Possum squares--‘pos-sum-squares--fancy dessert prepared from road-kill

 

Potato--po-‘tat-o--what men stuff in their pants to appear larger; note: should go in the front

 

Potty trained--‘pot-ty-trained--what you should already be when you’re 37

 

Powder--‘pow-der--when you punch someone, and have no memory of having done it

 

Pressure--‘press-ure--trying to make this dictionary somewhat humorous

 

Pretty messed up--‘pretty-messed-up--a very happy mess who’s beautiful

 

Prison--‘pri-son--big building with bars where you spend most of your nights

 

Prissy--‘pris-sy--how you look dancing

 

Produce--‘pro-duce--what you scrounge (hopefully rotten) through the dumpster looking for, so you can heave it off the freeway overpass at vehicles

 

Pronger--‘prong-er--a derogatory slur that you use on that b*****d who cut in front of you at the supermarket check-out register

 

Push comes to shove--‘push-comes-to-shove--what happens every holiday spent with relatives

 

Quaker--‘quak-er--what you turn into when threatened with any kind of physical violence

 

Racing car--‘racing car--used as a sporting device in you and your date (cousin)’s favorite sport

 

Rancid--‘ran-cid--describes most of the items in your refrigerator

 

Razor wire--‘ra-zor-wire--what you scale in the dark of night, into the local cemetery, so you can have somewhere safe and quiet to guzzle the 6-pack you swiped from your old man

 

Rebel--‘reb-el--what you are when you go to a different mini market to buy your beer and cigarettes

 

Red light district--‘red-light-dis-trict--the district you get when all the regular lights are sold out

 

Republican--re-pub-li-can--the only politician who’s not full of s**t, automatic vote

 

Rocket--‘rock-et--what you do to your front window when you’ve been at the tavern, and forgotten your house key on the kitchen counter

 

Roll--roll--what you come to the end of, so you have to use your shirt

 

Sacrilege--‘sac-ril-ege--how your ledge comes

 

Sailing--‘sai-ling--what you do when you fall overboard

 

 

Sanskrit--‘sand-skrit--mixed with water to make skrit cement

 

Say-la-vie--‘say-la-vie--a fancy way of saying, “Get lost, you sack of s**t!”

 

Scab--scab--what you are constantly picking off your legs, because you get so hammered, you forget how to walk and keep slamming into the coffee table with your shins

 

Scarf--scarf--a piece of cloth that helps you stay warm; or what you do to that plate of Aunt Jane’s brownies

 

Seatbelt--‘seat-belt--a hassle that always seems to catch on your case of beer, so you took yours out

 

Severance pay--sev-er-ance-pay--The cash payment you get when you’re s**t-canned for drag-racing your forklift in The Crystal Glass Factory

 

Shatter--‘shat-ter--what your blackened, rotten teeth do when trying to chew yet-another piece of hard candy

 

Shee!--shee!--an expression of disgust--IE--“What ya mean I can’t borrow the 4x4 tonight?  Shee!”

 

Shell game--‘shell-game--a game you play while filling up your vehicle

 

Sixty seven mustang--‘six-ty-se-ven-mus-tang--the car on the car lot you wish you owned everyday on you way by in your beater car with 3 missing hubcaps, on your way into your job cleaning toilets

Ski jump--‘ski-jump--what you sail off, land hard, and rack your nuts

 

Sleep deprived--‘sleep-de-prived--me, right now

 

Slime ball--‘slime-ball--what you get when you’re playing catch, and your baseball lands in an open sewer

 

 

Slim Jim--‘Slim-Jim--describes your drinking buddy

 

Slop--slop--what happens to that bowl of beef stew that you tried to eat after 12 beers

 

Smile--smile--the length of a very long S

 

Smoldering--‘smold-er-ing--the remains of your house after you torch it for the insurance money

 

Soap--soap--a bar-shaped cleaning product that should be used at least once a week

 

Soap sucker--‘soap-suc-ker--what you become when using coarse language in front of your mother

 

 

 

socks--what stand up by themselves, and you tell visitors that they’re some new-age sculptures you’ve been working on

 

 

Spatula--‘spat-u-la--an argumentative ula

 

Spayed and neutered--spayed-and-neuter-ed--what you should have done to your pets, but it’s so much easier to give the babies away, or dump them far away from your house

 

Spectacles--‘spec-ta-cles--what you and your friend make of yourselves out drinking

 

Spell check--‘spell-check--what you get for winning a writing contest for a piece having to do with good spelling

 

 

Spinning wheel--‘spin-ning-wheel--gymnastics for drunk people

 

 

Spore--spore--what pore becomes when an S is added

 

Sprinkler--‘sprink-ler--the thing that wakes you up after passing out

 

Squash--squash--yellowish runny lump of s**t that you mom makes you eat; sure path to heave-dom

 

Stapler--sta-pl-er--what guys use to hem up their jeans when they’re way too long

 

Stop sign--‘stop-sign--that thing you blow right through while driving your 4X4 truck

 

Sublime--‘sub-lime--a piece of fruit underwater

 

Sunny slope--‘sun-ny-slope--your forehead on a clear day

 

Swing and a miss--‘swing-and-a-miss--what you shout drunkenly to the bartender when an attractive women shoots you down

 

Swing set--‘swing-set--what you swing on and jump off of when the swing’s at its apex, in the dark, because you’re too soused

 

Succotash--‘succ-o-tash--what you hope to happens on your date with Miss Tash

 

Tarter--‘tar-ter--the 3 inch thick crust on your teeth

 

Tattoo--tat-‘too--a marker (often a naked lady) for being super-intelligent that will never come off, even when you’re so old and shriveled that the lady’s breast resemble skin pendulums

 

The north forty--the ‘north-forty--phrase often used by people to describe their back yard

 

Time bomb--‘time-bomb--you heart when you hoover cheeseburger’s every night

 

Time off--‘time-off--a broken clock

 

Tire gauge--‘tire-gauge--when you stare at the tread on your 4x4 truck tires, and decide you’ve still got awhile before you need new ones; you’re good for a few more cases of beer

 

Tire iron--‘tire-i-ron--used to even the odds when you get into an altercation with a big dude at a tavern

 

 

Toasted wheat--‘toast-ed-wheat--the result of getting bombed and playing a game of “Towering Inferno” in his wheat field, using a can of gasoline and matches

 

Tool--tool--what the teenagers in that passing car scream that you are

 

Toothbrush--‘tooth-brush--a hand-held device used for removing grout on the hard-to-reach areas of freshly-poured concrete.  Only-known use for this device

 

 

Tooth decay--‘tooth-de-cay--a way of defining who you are

 

Torch--torch--what the comic at a nightclub will do to your face

 

Tough--tough--just take a look at your limp wrists, and you tell us

 

Trash--trash--what you let pile up in your single wide until there’s no more room for the black and white T.V., and you can’t watch pro wrestling

 

Transom--trans-om--the make of a famous car

 

Treason--‘trea-son--a sapling next to a full-grown tree

 

Tremendous--tre-mend-ous--a much-too-long word for you to use

 

Vest--vest--a sleeveless coat with pockets which allows the wearer to stuff extra beers in the pockets, and serve as his or her own bag

 

Video tape--‘vid-e-o-tape--what the police use against you at your trial for erratically driving home in your 4X4, surrounded by a mountain of beer cans

 

Vomit--‘vom-it--what others do after they see you and frown

 

Wasteland--‘waste-land--whatever county your fat a** is in

 

Watch--watch--the thing on your wrist that you keep glancing at to see if you have enough time to drink one more beer before heading home

 

Waver--‘wav-er--a surfing person

 

Weed wacker--‘weed-wack-er--using a sharp object to harvest your crop

 

What up?--‘what-up--what to say to someone when you’re really no interested, but don’t want to appear rude

 

Why now?--‘why-now?--how it sounds when a person with a speech impediment sees a guy on a park bench askes,“Wino?”

 

Wind--wind--a mysterious force, that when it’s too hot, makes you sweat, and when it’s too cold, is a real nut-shriveller

 

Wing--wing--when produce is thrown off of a highway overpass at vehicles travelling below with great force

Writer’s block--‘writ-er’s-block--what we’re experiencing currently

 

Yall get--yall-‘get--a term used to drive off unwanted visitors

 

Ye-haw!--‘ye-haw!--an expression of joy--IE--“We got us some more cigarettes and beer, ye-haw!”

 

Zodiac--‘zo-di-ac--absolutely-true  prophesies based on the position of the shredded wheat in your cereal bowl

 

Zook-a mythical beast with fangs, sharp talons, a taste for American beer, and who upchucks in a bag

 

 

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Reviews

[Michael Stevens]

I know it's totally a stereotype, but to me, that's what makes it funny; no offence meant!

[Colt 45 & 9/16]

Hey I resemble that remark. Talkin about sleeveless jackets and chewing tabacco! You weren't pulling any punches Eh!! Ouch
I'll have you know that some of us rural folk don't all just hump on family members. Even though I do got this one cuzin that is soooooooo fine! Pheeew!! You should just see her and You'll UNDERSTSAND! But I ain even hugged her. Not once!! I tell you what!