Summer Nostalgia

Thoughts 
Tumble like kittens on the hard wood floor 
As lyrics from those 
Songs we would listen to 
when the sun was hot and the sand was 
hotter 
Would float through my headphones... 

We frolicked at night. 
Like monsters 
With our nocturnal eyes. 
And the energy 
As we ran, 
Like the wind rolling over the waves 
Under the moonlight. 

Legs tangled 
In the back seat 
And clothes

Knotted on the floor

Creating sparks

Like the light

from a firework that

blinds its audience.

And our tongues 

And touch 
And passion 
Were as hot as that sun 
And that sand,
So I was branded by the memories 
For times like tonight 

When the wind is cold 
And the people colder. 
Those lyrics help the thoughts flow 
Like vocal remedies into 
My aching head. 

Reviews

[TLK]

I like the hot / hotter and cold /colder parallel. This is a real burst of personal sunshine, and speaks of those bubbles of better times that we all carry within us, when we want to breath the fresh scent of something other than the endless monotony of now.

[jkhatz]

"Breath the fresh scent..." Is that like chewing up copious amounts of Altoids and breathing on fogged car windows?

[TLK]

Both yes, and also, no.

[Sethnicity]

and oh how cold the people can be, Thank God for memory.
You drew a very brilliant connection between the senses on this poem; The Sand on feet the wide eyes of creatures of the night, tumbling kittens! thats a great line almost wished you'd saved the Kittens for the end or something. It's cute and fun and warm and then you froze the air with that last stanza! Chiller Killer. Good Write!

[Ufi Auttorri ~ Amy C. T..]

I remember seeing little kittens playing on a polished hardwood floor. They're always slipping and sliding around, bouncing into things as their savanna genes overtake common sense during a charge-and-pounce. Thoughts can be like that so you have a good simile in that first word and line. The segue from that into "thoughts ...as lyrics" is, however, a struggle for me. It seems a harsh disconnect between conceptual environments. The tactile imagery offends the sensibilities; not greatly mind you but there is a certain degree of discontinuity when the reader must jump from a general to a writer-specific experiential moment.

As writers, we tend to make assumptions about our readership and their ability to generate a shared context. Without this there can be little in the way of communication. For example, I do not have the experience, personally, of frolicking like a monster at night but I do have enough experience with banging about in the night that I can imagine this. But, what embellishment to this does the wind over waves in moonlight confer upon the action? Now, I'm seeing monsters on the beach in the moonlight and then... legs, tangled in the backseat (of a car perhaps?). Is this a setup for a Sci-Fi thriller? I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be a mood setup (cue music) where the camera (mind's eye) draws back from the monters-beach scene to zoom-in on the activity in the back seat but... it's yet another conceptual disconnect. For me at least.

The stanza of tongues-touch-passion-hot-sun-sand-memories and the branding that prepared the writer (the voice) for those hard times, when the wind is cold and people are distant and aloof (colder); these things still seem to be in aural mode - the lyric sensibility that utters its complaint in the last line - all conspire to muddy both the picture and the heartfelt message.

I've no doubt there was something to be said here. It was said but the picture seems undeveloped. A few more seconds in the processing vat would likely bring out a more favorable contrast so that we may better see the beautiful outlines and contours of shading, the subtle nuance of emotion that it yearns so desperately to portray.

P.S. From your profile, I see you write only to capture moments of your life and what you experience. The comments above are only about the poem, not your life or reasons for writing.

[AmandaTheOdd]

I loved this very much it flowed very well and has great imagery. Good job!

[TLK]

I don't mean to be offensive, but this isn't a very useful review. Think to yourself: will this help the author move forward? As Molly is new to the 'site, I think that this kind of approach is both respectful and important.

Thanks for listening.

[TLK]

If writers just needed to hear 'good job!', they'd only ask their mother to read their writing.

[jkhatz]

You're. It's a contraction for you are.

[AmandaTheOdd]

He's blocked I don't need someone being rude and I know what you're means don't do the same as he did please. What type of reviewers are you people? It say on the site by members you're all nice and welcoming NOT and show me other wise.

[TLK]

Molly: please feel free to ask reviewers for more details if they just say "good job!" I am often worried that people who say this to me haven't even read my work.

I apologise (not that I can) that this whole situation has got out of hand. Next time I'll send a PM to the writer rather than make a comment publicly on their review. I know this is a bit belated, but WELCOME TO THE SITE! (It ain't perfect ;) )

[jkhatz]

I haven't left any reviews on this piece, so I don't think you can make a general statement regarding my behavior. I simply wanted to point out a very common mistake in the hopes that it would help you later on.

[AmandaTheOdd]

I wasn't trying to be rude I was having problems with TLK plus what did I do wrong in my review I said her poem had a good flow and imagery and she did a good job whats not positive about that what you need me to go into so much detail it loss it's meaning. A few words can say a lot. TLK I don't wont to be on your bad side I am new to the site too and I took my time to do my first review and choose this one, didn't think someone would say isn't up to par sorry.
jkhatz I wasn't trying to say you were doing anything sorry it seamed I was.

[TLK]

"whats not positive about that"

If reviews were just about being positive, we wouldn't read the stuff we were reviewing.

[AmandaTheOdd]

I was just saying I liked her poem and gave a positive review because I liked it not in detail I could of but choice not to.

[TLK]

So, you chose not to give detail because...?

Because my immediate thought is -- and I apologise in advance if I am being uncharitable -- "this reviewer didn't really read the piece and just wants to see if the reviewed author will click back to reciprocate".

As I said above, "Think to yourself: will this help the author move forward?" I hope you understand how important that is.


Again, apologies to Molly, this discussion has nothing to do with you. -_-

[AmandaTheOdd]

No it' has nothing to do with Molly it has to do with your ego not meaning to be rude. I fell sorry for you that you have the need to even be rude to someone you don't know. I will bring is up again you didn't give the review. Get off my back!

[AmandaTheOdd]

Plus I was trying to be nice but you choice to be rude ones again.

[TLK]

Do you know why I'm asking people to give better reviews? Because my girlfriend, who WAS on this site, starting asking her reviewers to explain to her why they liked her work. And do you know what they did? (I'm talking about THREE separate people here). They deleted their reviews and started sending PMs to her saying, amongst other things, that she was being "rude".

And now she isn't posting here anymore because she was left a little upset.

I'm one man trying to ask people to have a better, more supportive culture about reviews. I don't think I'm being rude in the slightest. In fact, I think it's choosing to give reviews that -- in your words -- are "not in detail" that is rude. When you made that choice, you made a judgement that for some reason the author didn't deserve that level of effort from you. To be fair, maybe you were busy. But the ensuing discussion shows that this isn't the case.

Anyway, I'm feeling really bad for taking up Molly's page. I would ask you to please remove your review and our ill-tempered discussion. I would also ask you to consider whether people asking you to abide by certain agreed-upon standards is 'rude'. But I won't be talking about this with you because I'm not sure you're receptive to it.

[AmandaTheOdd]

I'm not your girlfriend and not everyone is like that. Plus maybe those people who deleted her reviews are the one's with the issues not her? I am receptive to your response. But you can be a bet nicer to me about this. I do know what rude means and you were being just that. I am not removing my review I think I did a good review. Thank you for your concern and good luck to you!

[TLK]

Thank you for the well wishes, and the same to you. I look forward to when you take me to task for writing an unfair review and I have to eat my words! ;)

[Sethnicity]

Hey Bug Off TLK! You got a new member on the whipping post because of your poor GF, which whom I have spoken to and reviewed before and even complemented in writing for being a kind soul, can't think you chivalrous because you are trash talking new members about your unwritten expectations. If a write finds reviews of their own work to be insufficient then they can ask that writer for more info... ON THEIR OWN! You and the rest of the minions on here are acting like Lords of Flies! This is this girls first day here. There is no Contract or Rule Amanda, that says your reviews have to be anything other than what you think at the time of reviewing. Sorry you are joining at a troubling time in the WC were some people hold their Egos higher than their Heart. Keep writing and Keep reviewing! BTW you can leave one liner reviews on my writing all you want! :)

[TLK]

I'm sorry, Seth, but what's troubling is the kind of reviews left here:
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/jkhatzioannou/1159076/#comment-2914413

BabyRicochet is a 'top author' at this site and has a slavish hoard of followers. Yet he gets away with this kind of behaviour.

I don't think I'm causing a problem for anybody by setting the expectation that reviews should be USEFUL for the reviewed. They're not called "comments", they are "reviews" and should function as such.

[jkhatz]

I couldn't agree more, TLK.

[jkhatz]

But, wait, that's because we're the same person. I love agreeing with myself.

[TLK]

If we are the same person then the logout button on our accounts is getting a strenuous workout.