Elephants

Trigger Warning: Abortion.

5^th November 2016

Dear Unknown,

Elephants have always been my favourite animal. I don’t know if you’d have shared this love of the creatures or if you’d have thought I was silly. I sometimes imagine trips to the zoo, just the two of us, you wrapped up in wellies and a rain mac, running around and being embarrassed at the way I marvelled at them. I imagine things a lot, actually. Everyone has regrets, but not many people’s regrets involve ending a life that wasn’t theirs to end. I know that it was probably the right thing to do, your dad isn’t a person I would have wanted to subject you to, I wouldn’t have wanted him to hurt you as well, but maybe I should have given you the choice.

I don’t know if I believe in heaven or hell or an afterlife of any kind, but hopefully if there is one you can understand this, and understand why I did what I did. Understand that I am sorry.

All my love,

Mum

 

10^th November 2016

Dear Unknown,

Not many people know this; but elephants can die of a broken heart.

When people observe herds of elephants, in the wild or in captivity, they say that you can feel their emotions. If you walk beside a herd who are happy, full of life and excitement, the joy fills you up and you feel as though you could sing. On the other hand, if you walk beside a herd who have been recently bereaved, the grief consumes you. Like a cloud of freezing air, it wraps you in its clutches and steals your breath. You find yourself walking slower, head drooping, filled with a heavy sadness that cannot be explained. After all, you didn’t lose anyone, you simply observed the creatures after they did.

-

When I found out I was pregnant I cried. It felt like exactly what I had needed at the time. I wasn’t in the most stable of relationships, but I had a decent job, a nice flat and a family I knew would be supportive. It felt like it was the right thing and the right time, and I was ecstatic. Taking a pregnancy test is underwhelming to say the least, but the result is indescribable. Every time I shut my eyes I see the little green plus. I danced around my bathroom listening to Wham! And feeling like nothing in the world could pull me down from the cloud I was on. Who knew a stick covered in urine could bring someone this much joy.

I spent that night in bed drinking green tea and Google searching antenatal care and why eating prawns while pregnant is bad (Raw shellfish can be contaminated and cause illness, not that it matters now). I browsed the Mothercare webpage for prams and cots, smiling to myself about how perfectly my life was coming together. I planned the way I would decorate my spare room until me and Jack, my boyfriend �" your dad, could find somewhere more permanent to move together. I sent him a quick text, inviting him round the following evening for what I said was a pizza night, but realistically would be the start of the rest of our lives.

I spent the next day trying to think of a cute and creative way to reveal to him that I was pregnant. We’d never explicitly talked about us having a baby. I was on the pill but admittedly wasn’t great at taking it on time. He had never shown any aversion to having a child that I knew of. I couldn’t think of any logical reason that he would say no. The thought didn’t even cross my mind.

When the long-awaited knock on the door came I felt like flying. We had always been straight forward with each other, so I’d left out any gimmicks or dramatic announcements and decided to just tell him. We sat down on the sofa, I could already picture the scene in a few months’ time: a baby shower, a gender reveal with balloons, congratulatory cards decorating the mantlepiece and window sills. I felt like you had started a fire inside me and it was consuming me. It was the most incredible feeling. I knew that parenthood started at different times for everyone, and for me it started as soon as I saw that little green plus. I expected it to take a while to sink in for Jack. I expected laughter, tears or maybe even angry shock that would later turn to joy. What I didn’t expect was silence. I didn’t expect him to get up and leave. But he did.

That’s enough for today.

All my love,

Mum

 

17^TH November 2016

Dear Unknown,

Sorry that it’s been a while. I just went back to work after the operation. Not many people get complications after an abortion, but I was an exception �" just my luck. No-one really knows what happened. I told them I was having my appendix removed. It was an easy lie. It’s less easy to go about my day knowing the truth. Sometimes I wish I could wipe my memory, pretend it never happened, pretend I never made the choice. The more time that passes the more I become convinced that it was a huge mistake. But, I can’t change it now, so I chat with Jan at the coffee machine, like I did today, about insignificant things like who will be on Strictly this year. I didn’t even care about Strictly before, let alone now.

-

There have been observations made and studies done on elephants who are in the process of losing a loved one. While their companion loses strength and the life starts to drain from them, the other elephant will do anything in its power to pick them up. To breathe life back into them as it leaves their being. I’d go as far to say that elephants would, if they could, give up their lives to save their friends.

-

He was radio silent for a few days. Texts went ignored. Phone calls went to voicemail. I almost went to his flat but talked myself out of it. He would get back to me when he was ready. This was life changing news, I could understand that it would take a while to process. I didn’t ever consider the idea that he wouldn’t want to be involved. Even less the idea that he would want me to end the pregnancy.

The conversation was not easy. All of my confidence was stripped away. He said that really, we weren’t financially stable enough, we were too busy with work, his family would not support this, it wasn’t part of his five-year plan. He wore me down. I’m not proud of it. In hindsight, I could probably have tried harder to avoid the cyclic conversation and argued my case a bit more. The only point I made was about my fear of the surgery.

“You can take a pill and it’ll be like a period. Over in a few days, y’know? We can forget it ever happened.” He was so nonchalant about the whole thing, thinking back, it sickens me.

“I can’t take a pill. It’s too late. I found out too late. I’d have to have an operation. That is terrifying.”

“It’d be fine, babe, they just cut it out, don’t they?” I rolled my eyes, and sighed.

“That’s how they deliver a healthy baby.”

“What’s the difference?”

“If you’re aborting it they don’t particularly care when it dies do they.”

“You’ve been drinking for weeks, it’s probably dead anyway!”

I stared at him open mouthed. I rolled my tongue over my teeth, a horrible habit that I had. I wondered if you would pick that up. Would have picked it up.

“It isn’t dead.” I whispered.

“How do you know?” He asked, scornfully.

“Don’t you think I’d be aware if the child that’d been growing in me suddenly f*****g died, Jack?”

He stepped back and exhaled sharply. “Guess it’s true what they say, pregnant women are moody.”

It was one of those situations that I could have dealt with better. But that’s easy to say afterwards. I just left the room, got into bed and cried. I heard the door slam a few minutes later, and knew that I would have to apologise. When I say it wasn’t the most stable of relationships I really mean that. He would get angry and walk out, or get angry and do worse. I think that was what made me make the choice I did. I didn’t want you to grow up without a dad. Or worse: with a dad who hurt you. Someone who made you feel unwanted and not valued, someone who really harmed you. At the same time, I didn’t think I could do it alone.

Before I got pregnant, I didn’t think it would be a particularly big deal to have a baby and to look after it alone. When I was faced with the responsibility, however, I realised how big a thing it was to take on. The ‘it’ isn’t you. No, you would have been the reward for all the hardship. The ‘it’ here is �" without sounding pretentious �" the societal pressure. People love to pretend that their attitudes to young, single mothers have changed but they haven’t. I see people turn their noses up and teenaged girls pushing prams in the street, I’m not stupid. I’ve always been one of those people who cares so much about what other people think, and I’m afraid this time it got the better of me.

All my love,

Mum

 

30^th November 2016

Dear Unknown,

-

When the companion eventually does die, the elephant will call out in distress. As if begging for help, begging for someone to come and save their friend. Then they stop eating. Standing by their piles of leaves and sugarcane too heartbroken to lift any of it to their lips.

-

Again, I’m sorry it’s been so long. I wasn’t sure if I should write this one. Wasn’t convinced that you’d want to hear about the way you died, if you can even understand me. If there is any point to these letters.

I put them on your grave. You have a grave, by the way, I couldn’t deal with the idea of you being dumped somewhere. I don’t know what they do with the corpses of the other dead children, and even though I try not to think about it I can’t help but imagine a tiny baby graveyard behind the clinic. Miniature gravestones with numbers written on them. But not for you. It’s white marble. I don’t know if you’d care. I’ve never considered that you might be angry at me for not giving you a chance and I am so sorry. I feel like that’s the theme of these letters. Me apologising and begging you for forgiveness.

Before they perform the procedure, you have a scan. Mine was about a week before. Jack didn’t show up. We were pretty much over by then, but my heart still dropped a little when he texted me saying something had come up. I went in anyway, filled in a questionnaire about my general health and about if I was sure about this. I wasn’t, but I ticked all the boxes anyway. Then I was taken into a midwifes office. I lay down on the bed and she made awkward small talk as she smothered ultrasound gel over my belly.

“Sorry.” I interrupted before she pressed the scanner to my abdomen. “Could you turn the screen away from me?” I pressed my lips together.

She nodded. “Makes it all real, doesn’t it? The idea of seeing the little one.”

“Yeah. I’m not sure I want it to be real.” She turned the screen away and pushed on my stomach �" a lot harder than I’d expected.

“Oh!” She gasped. “I forgot to ask. Do you want to know if you’re having twins?”

I hadn’t even considered that. I shook my head.

“And do you want to know the sex?” I considered it. To be honest, this is my biggest regret �" aside from you know, actually doing it. I didn’t want that personal connection but now I crave it. I wish there was a way I could phone that midwife and beg her to remember. Because I said no.

“Well, I think you probably already know that it will have to be a surgical procedure, don’t you?”

“I did think so.”

“Does anyone know about the baby? It can be a trying day, you might want company.”

I shook my head.

“Not even the father? You should tell him.”

“He’s unavailable.”

“Most of them are, sweetheart, you still have to tell him.” She wiped the gel off me, and beckoned me to her desk where she began to explain the procedure.

It was apparently simple. They call it a vacuum aspiration. I would love to say that it isn’t what it sounds like, but unfortunately that isn’t true. It is exactly what you’d think it would be. They stick rods inside you to dilate your cervix, and a few hours later they stick a suction tube in your vagina and suck it out. ‘It’ being the baby you’ve grown for weeks inside you. The child you’ve connected with. Sucked out in a matter of minutes and then disposed of.

I am so sorry.

All my love,

Mum

 

24^th December 2016

Baby,

Merry Christmas. I don’t know how it works where you are and if you have celebrations like this, I don’t particularly feel like I have anything to celebrate this year but writing to you lifts a bit of the weight from my shoulders, so I will carry on.

I don’t remember much of the operation day itself. I was alone, I remember that. I remember that it f*****g hurt. I felt like my body was being ripped from the inside out. I felt like I could feel you slipping away. This whole thing sounds so overdramatic and rehearsed, but I cannot ever explain the way it feels to hold onto those last moments with the child you’ve never met. I know it makes so little sense, but I love you, and I don’t know if you can forgive me or if you even get the letters that I lay on your grave but if you do please know that I regret this. I know I keep saying it, but I really do.

-

As time goes on the signs of malnourishment become more and more prominent. Their skin is draped over their bones, cheeks hollowed. Their steps become heavier, and seem to become more of a chore than a pleasure. It seems that in some cases, elephants are determined to die after the death of a friend. In a lot of cases, they do.

-

31^st December 2016

Hey baby,

It’s New Years Eve. My favourite holiday. I’m going out. Not to a club or party, just to see some friends. I haven’t gone out socially in a long time. I know it’s cliché to say, but I need to let go of this year, and that means letting go of you. But, I haven’t finished my story yet. Know that this is my last letter, I am going to go out and take part in the world and pack enough memories for two lives into the remainder of my one: for you.

I woke up after the operation bleeding. I won’t go into the gruesome details mainly because the memories are too vile and fragmented for me to remember accurately, especially if I want to keep the contents of my stomach down. I went home about an hour after surgery, alone again. It was so strange, the feeling of companionship that I’d never really noticed until it was gone. I’d been talking to you, like you could understand and answer me �" I suppose like I am now. Now that I didn’t have you physically there anymore I felt empty. I was empty if you think about it. I cried for a long time that night, I cried so much that I assumed the excruciating pains in my stomach were strained muscles. They weren’t.

I went to the doctors about a week later when I was still bleeding profusely and in so much pain I could barely stand. He called an ambulance to the surgery. I won’t go into details, because �" again �" it is disgusting. But, I got an infection. It’s not exactly common for this to happen, even less common for complications to arise.

Just my luck.

I won’t be able to have any other children of my own. You, my love, are the first and the last. It’s bittersweet, because after all this I wasn’t sure if I wanted another child. At least now that decision has been made for me. I suppose it’s one less thing to worry about.

But, in six hours it will be a new year, a fresh start �" excuse the cliché. I’m not leaving you in the past or forgetting, don’t think that at all. But, I need to come to terms with my mistake and move on. A new year is the perfect opportunity for that.

-

Even less people know that when an elephant does die of a broken heart, it is not the break that kills them. The feeling of loneliness creeps up inside them, preventing them from functioning normally. They starve themselves.

A broken heart may be the advertised cause of death, but the elephants kill themselves.

-

All my love, forever.

Mum.