monday night freestyle

seeing what happens

when i saw the old lady at walmart
with the heaving breasts
swaying in time with each lumbering step,
i remembered the poems and stories
from the before times
in the not so long long ago.
when things that happened sort of meant something,
and there were either lessons or beauty
to be found each day
and all my great deeds
were known by only one other
if she would even take notice.
and i ain't about to tell you
that i don't deserve to die
yeah, there was a time
when i spoke of hatred in jest,
but now it's just there.
one more part of me.
maybe hate is too strong,
but if anything's worth it,
it's worth going all in.
somehow, i touched a smile
before my spindly fingers
could only claw flesh from skulls.
maybe there only can be one love
and once it's spent it's spent,
and everything else is just imitation.
ah, that first cigarette puff
and lofty nicotine rush.
all the money thrown into the darkness
to touch a small fragment 
of what passed before i realized
what i was either missing out on
or just not noticing.
my memories never happened;
i'm sure of that much.
even the bad ones i want back.
i just want to go back--
damn the horrors!
this is no world for me.
yesterday failed and i will tomorrow,
but since the womb and before the grave
there was something called happiness
even if i never knew his name
or her face it was there
close enough to kiss my lips.
perhaps, there is a ship
waiting for me in some golden harbor,
and once my feet cross her creaking planks
we'll set sail for the land
i've been told my entire life
where all my dreams will come true...