hurt

A Story by aspen

"I was..I don't know how to put it, I don't really want to sa-" my eyes darted to the floor. I could feel my head swelling under pressure from trying to explain how I used to feel for them.
"You were in love!" She gushed, her smile so wide and eyes so sure of what she just claimed. My head jerked towards her, I almost looked offended. I shoved my hands in my pockets, I could feel my cheeks burning. I wasn't blushing, I was so frustrated.
"Yeah I guess so." I mumbled as I impatiently fidgeted in my chair. It made me so angry because I couldn't say she was wrong, I used to wear that title on my sleeve.
I spent so many nights being overwhelmed with dopamine, touching them was electric, talking to them was reassuring.
I f*****g hate that part of my life now, the true root of abandonment was born the day they disappeared.
Some part of me still loves them but I bury it so deep within me that all I can do is react aggressively to anything that reminds me of them in the slightest. Seeing them in pictures on the media makes my heart feel like I held a match to it and refused to let it be blown out.
I've tried to seek out their love in others in the darkest parts of the night in cars and bars and my bed while my head wasn't present for any of it.
please get out of my head
please get out of my head
please get out of my f*****g head
I don't want to remember
I don't want to remember them
I don't want to remember what I've done
I don't want to remember
I don't want to remember

She softened, "I bet you two were so adorable together". She searched for sympathy in my face, traced my cheekbones for an answer.
This caught me off guard, I looked her in the eye and quietly laughed.

I never gave it much thought until everyone started saying we were 'so cute!' once my heart got broken. This only made my insides twist until I felt completely dissociated.
Every time I look back on our memories, it's just hazy grey and painful.

"You are so wrong." I felt my stomach drop and distanced myself from the subject. I didn't even know if I was wrong this time.