What a Nightmare

Cassidy’s life couldn’t have been better. A good phone, rich parents, a recently developed Samsung TV in her bedroom, and a forthcoming vacation to the Bahamas. Yep, life was good. Cassidy had had her bags packed for months for the Bahamas, and they were leaving tomorrow. She couldn’t imagine why she shouldn't feel the way she did. She went to bed early in order to look her best for the next day.

The morning was chaotic. Cassidy’s brothers, Herbert and Robert, weren’t packed yet, and were racing around the house searching for anything they wanted to bring on the trip. The fifth time Robert almost ran her over, Cassidy threatened to grind him in the blender if he didn't quit.

This, as those of you with older brothers may have guessed, did not end well. Robert’s face turned red and swollen.

“Are you threatening me?!” He yelled.

Cassidy was scared, because Robert was a wrestler and knew his stuff about fighting.

“N-no, I’m just asking you to move,” Cassidy said in a rather small voice.

“Too bad,” he said. He then grabbed a vacuum, swung it over his head, and then everything went blank.

Cassidy woke up in a completely white room, on a completely white bed. The bed was neither warm, nor cold, it was simply there. The room had no windows, which Cassidy found suspicious. Was she in a mental hospital? Or maybe an asylum?

“You aren’t in either,” a voice said. Cassidy whirled around to find a man with white-blonde hair, glowing pale skin, and white robes.

“My name is Grant. I am here to, ah, break the news.”

“Cassidy, your life has been very monotone and ended in a boring way. You haven’t done any good or bad deeds, so you know we can’t place you anywhere. Therefore, we have to send you back to earth.”

“What, you mean like a ghost?” Cassidy said offhandedly.

“Exactly,” Grant answered.

“No, wait, I meant that as a joke. You don’t seriously mean I have to go back, do you?” Cassidy asked. She guessed that her brothers pulled this guy off the street and were playing a prank on her.

“Yep. I’m sorry, but we can’t put you anywhere. Goodbye Cassidy,” Grant replied as the Cassidy’s world once again faded into darkness.

Cassidy woke up in her old bedroom, except everything was either orange or black. She turned slowly to find a humanoid ccfeature, except it had not skin, popping eyes hanging off its face, and claws instead of nails.

“Hello Cassidy Reyes. We managed to pull you from the loop Grant tried to put you through. See you soon,” the creature rasped.

Suddenly, everything ignited and an evil-looking goat rose from the flames. Cassidy screamed and tried to get out of the bed, but she couldn’t move. Things stated swirling from her memory" her mom waking her up for school, her best friend's new car, her new stilettos" until everything went black.

Cassidy woke up sweating from her recent nightmare.

“Come on, Cassidy, let’s go! We’re leaving soon!” her brother Robert yelled in her face. Cassidy woke up, got dressed, and went to the kitchen for breakfast when Robert dashed in front of her. Just as she opened her mouth to scold him, she remembered her dream from last night and decided to just let him go. She’d better not risk it.

Reviews

[Ashley]

I think its a great story!

[Bobbob]

First of all:
“Are you threatening me?!” He yelled.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-VUb_6-XJWQ

Now the review.

"Cassidy’s life couldn’t have been better."
So your hook, the first sentence that usually determines if someone buy a book or not, is the most possibly bland and generic thing someone can say in small talk? Even this s**t done ironically is still well, kinda s**t.

How about an overview of the paragraph rather than actually going through this line per line. You mention alot of detail that I'm sure doesn't need to be mentioned for this chapter or the book in general. Adj's are typically only used when they have to convey something about a noun in the plot, or some symbolic meaning integral to the core theme. Mentioning this character has a tv, or a samsung tv for that matter, doesn't effect the plot, or theme, in any way as of now. And even if you wanted to emphasize a characters wealth, you are displaying a trait in tell not show; you're displaying a quality in the blandest way possible. Why not have the main character simply fan herself with 100 dollar bills on the to the airport? Something that not only shows wealth but a personality trait? You also repeated a statement here or there. With saying the protags life was good in the beginning and then saying that a bit later. "Yep, life was good." I'm pretty confident you were trying to repeat said statement to enforce the idea of how well off our character is. However, this is typically a tool of rhetoric primarily used in speeches only. "We will fight them on the beeches! etc, etc." In fiction writing for emphasizing a state or drama usually appears awkward at best.

I would get more mileage out of showing how distressed a character of mine is not by them saying.
"This character was freaked out." But more appropriately by active voice, and displaying a character trait.
"His hands cradles his head while his fingernails dug into his skull. His mouth was opened as if to scream, but only an occasional sob escaped."

On to some more.

"Cassidy was scared, because Robert was a wrestler and knew his stuff about fighting."
Telling not showing feeling here. Why not show our protag shaking, holding an arm, or stuttering? And then a character bio... Why not just make an observation like this through dialogue? Cassidy notices the other character washing his wrestling shoes?

“N-no, I’m just asking you to move,” Cassidy said in a rather small voice.
Do you really have to put, "in a small voice" at the end? We already know she is terrified by her stuttering at this point and the narration saying she is outright scared.

“Too bad,” he said. He then grabbed a vacuum, swung it over his head, and then everything went blank.
So, this is the house of a rich family who allows their teenage boy to commit armed battery against, I guess, their younger daughter? Also, the cause of which was one offhand comment?

"Cassidy woke up in a completely white room, on a completely white bed. The bed was neither warm, nor cold, it was simply there. The room had no windows, which Cassidy found suspicious. Was she in a mental hospital? Or maybe an asylum? "
Because the first thing you think of when bashed over the head with a vacuum cleaner is that you've been committed to an insane asylum.

Now this is a dream, I understand. However, decent writing foresahdows themes or plot elements. If you are mentioning foreshadowing of themes, then the phenomenon is not linked to any emotion. The switching of planes and fear could be mankinds innate powerlessness in the face of death. However, themes are best foreshadowed in the plot to save time. Therefore, your foreshadowing of theme is not the most effective way. If for plot, well, then we can assume inter-dimensional shenanigans in the future. Assuming this is real, we have to ask: was this the best way? A way that allows for the tonality of several characters, realms, and concepts to be focused and digested by audience? I have no idea wth just happened, so I assume no.

So, we have foreshadowing of a list of elements that allow no understanding of their personality, tone, or motivations. All we know is that things happened.

Since no characterization, no foreshadowing and no foreshadowing of the plot in a comprehensible way (that allows characterization, tone, and displays a theme of some sort) I find this is not very orderly.

[Bobbob]

I would like to add, that I understand that the brother bashing the protags head was in a dream like state, and is up to conjecture.

[Ashley]

I'm glad you gave the writer some advice, but at least say something nice or encouraging.